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Self-destructive eating


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I have a problem with food. We have a love-hate relationship.

 

I binge eat when I am lonely, sad, empty, bored, and the list goes on... food is my answer most of the time. It helps in the moment. But afterward I feel ill and gross.

 

I overeat too. I eat way more than an average person should in one sitting and than I feel the need to eat MORE! I feel self-destructive while eating. Like everything around me doesn't matter and I need to keep shoveling in the food (gross, I know) until I feel so crappy about myself after that I am pretty disgusted and maybe even suicidal.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I hate myself so much. I am so fat and disgusting.

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You're not fat and disgusting.  I promise.

 

I binge too, and have poor impulse control with food.  I used to go to OA, but that didn't work because I have no belief in a higher power, and refuse to surrender myself to something like that.  Then I went off Seroquel, and it helped, but lately....lately I have been binging.  Gaining weight again.  I don't know why I can't stop, other than that I guess I'm depressed and this is my coping mechanism.

 

Anyways, blah blah blah me.  I guess I just want to say I understand, and I'm struggling too, so you are not alone. 

 

Are there any positive things you can focus on?  Maybe bit by bit, make those a bigger part of your life?

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Thanks for your reply jarn and I'm sorry you are suffering too. It's so hard.

 

I can't think of anything positive. My life feels pointless. I have no future. I think about suicide every single day. I wish I had the courage to go through with it.


This binge eating episode that sparked this post was brought on by my BF. He suddenly became angry with me because he said I don't pick up after myself. I leave garbage everywhere and dishes aren't done and there's a lot of dirty laundry. I just can't face any of it. I can't even take care of my own needs let alone taking care of household chores. 

 

He left to go to his friends house. I am glad. I felt so triggered by him treating me that way. I didn't do anything to deserve that. I was not even mean to him for him to be mean in return. He just snapped.

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I'm waiting to hear back from my GP's nurse who is finding a pdoc who takes my insurance. I am being referred for psychiatric care by my GP. 

 

It's so bad though. I just feel like ending it all. I hate this life right now. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I don't see it. It's just darkness. I'm drowning in darkness.

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Determine to establish a medication routine and be wholly compliant. Make appointments with Pdoc and Tdoc and keep each and every one even if you must depend on someone else to get you there and escort you.

 

If you have not already done so, begin to keep a journal, an exacting journal that records your thoughts and feelings each day and you immediate and delayed thoughts and actions surrounding those feelings.

 

You, and only you can put your feet on the path to recover and stability. There is no denying the difficulty of the path, but it is doable.

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Thanks Indigo.

 

I'm trying really hard. But all I can do right now is wait for the nurse to find me a pdoc. Unless I go to the ER and hope they'll admit me. But honestly, my anxiety is so high that that doesn't seem like an option right now.

 

I am taking my Buspar as prescribed also despite the side effects. I am trying really hard to be completely compliant.


I am so alone in this world. Not even my own BF understands me. I also have zero friends. Literally. I have no friends at all.

 

I talk to my mom once a week or so. But that's about it. My dad seems like a stranger more than family. 

 

I'm so alone.

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I totally forgot about that option too. I guess I could give them a call just to see what THEY think I should do. It couldn't hurt, right? I just am scared they would decide to send people out here. I don't feel prepared for that if they did that.

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I just want to give you a piece of information......perhaps at some point in the future it will be useful.

 

I have found Weight Watchers to be a very safe and healthy place to work on issues of over eating

and unhealthy eating.  It is affordable, and there is a huge support network online and at meetings.

 

Anyway I over eat, I sometimes eat compulsively.......and I have made a lot of improvement in this area w WW.

Plus I lost 28 lbs even on Seroquel.

 

I know you have a lot on your plate, and this should probably not be the first priority.

Just wanted to give you a piece of information.

 

Indigo has given you very sound advice, I agree with everything she wrote.

You can learn to manage your mental health.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I know that feel.

I have those self-destructive eating patterns too but (TW) I binge or just don't care what I eat, then I go "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING" and restrict and obsess over food. but ever since I've found comfort in religion I've stopped restricting and started eating healthier. of course, this isn't for everybody, but it is for me :)

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