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At a loss...


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I'm at a loss. I just want to give up. That small ounce of hope that this could one day be a distant memory has passed. Life is so unfair. My anxiety is so high it's all I can do to not think about overdosing or hurting myself. You guys who abstain are so inspiring to me. I feel like I take 1 step forward and 100 steps backwards, like my life feels like a constant internal argument, or that my brain is so f***ed up it doesn't want me to be here anymore. I'm so tired of fighting this battle that I feel like I cannot win.

Then more unfair things happen. I did exactly what I was supposed to do and all my life is, is a consistent stream of shitty experiences...one right after the other. I'm scared all the time. I don't get why I deserve so many bad things unless I'm just this terrible person. Or life isn't fair. My aggression is turned inward, not outward. I just don't see why it's always me that has to get hurt.

No matter what it feels like it'll never be okay. I don't want to be scared anymore. Anxious constantly. I don't know how much more I can handle before snapping.

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I'm really sorry you're in such a dark space right now.  I know this is a hard, horrible battle to fight, but it is possible to overcome, it really is.  I'm here as proof that you can get through the tunnel and out into the light.  What helping tools do you have available to you?  Are you seeing a therapist who can give you in-person support?  (I'm not saying don't come here for support - you absolutely can and should, but when things are really bad, we do need the f2f help of a professional.)

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I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now.

 

I can imagine that self harm probably does quite a bit to help manage your anxiety, what with all those endorphins running around. It sounds like even though the self harm causes more problems than it solves that it's actually doing quite a bit to keep you alive at this point.

 

Bad things happen. It is a fact. It doesn't mean you are a shitty person. It doesn't mean anything other than bad things happen.

And it's true that life isn't fair. That also doesn't mean you are a shitty person who deserves bad things. It's just a fact that isn't personally associated with you at all.

 

I know that it's really really hard to hang on to the hope that things can get better.

 

And agreeing with miab that having professional, in person support can help a lot. 

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