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Crisis *triggering*


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Things have been building up lately, I just feel so low. I feel like a mess, worthless and like I just annoy people, upset them or cause them pain.

Last night I had an argument with my SO and went upstairs to cool off. I sat on my bed, started seriously dissociating and feeling really low. I started self-harming, I was aware I was doing it but because I was so dissociated it was like I was on auto-pilot. I felt really suicidal, severely thinking about ODing or cutting something major, I wanted so badly to die.

This went on for several hours, today I'm feeling numb and I've been quiet all day apparently. I went upstairs to call a local mental health centre for a referral & after the call, which just consisted of me giving contact details, I cut my arm twice again.

I'm not sure what to do, I'm still feeling really really low and numb. I just need some advice, things are just overwhelming me :(

*UPDATE*

I went to the crisis team for my area & they've finally referred me to the Home Treatment Team, they'll get in contact soon & hopefully that helps

Edit: removal of specific items & update

Edited by Tea & Sympathy
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Hey Tea, 

 

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Arguments with SOs are never fun, especially when you're already feeling low. 

 

Can you take care of yourself right now? Can you cleanse the cuts and bandage them, if you haven't already? It's important to take care of the cuts so that they don't become infected. 

 

Like I said, I think you should take care of yourself right now. Do something nice for yourself and be compassionate and kind to yourself. I like to take a warm bath and then snuggle up in my blankets. Maybe rub some nice smelling lotion on myself and paint my toenails. Anything that represents caring for yourself.

 

When I was going through a bad time and cutting, and I wanted to avoid cutting, I would remove myself from my "cutting zone." That was my place where I felt safe enough to cut in private. It was my bedroom. So, I would remove myself from my bedroom and sit downstairs in the living room. Can you remove yourself from your "cutting zone" ? 

 

I have to go to a class right away, but I want you to know I saw your post and I'm listening. :)

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Thank you Para, It's comforting to know someone is listening.

I made sure they were clean but I'm really not sure if going to A&E would be a good idea :/

I've made myself go sit downstairs & wrapped up in my duvet, my bedroom isn't good for me either, still feeling really shit but not able to cut here really.

I hate this so much, its too much

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I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I know how hard it is to fight with your SO, no fun at all. 

 

Have you tried any coping skills for when you are dissociating? I'm learning mindfulness techniques from DBT and I have found them to be useful at times. I know there are times when I am so lost in myself that even that doesn't work. But I will try to center myself. I will say things like "I had a fight with SO, I'm feeling angry and sad, that is OK. What I'm feeling is normal and I can cope with it." If that doesn't work I will call a friend or my sister and talk about things that are distracting or let them know how I'm feeling so that they can validate it. And they do, I've never had them say, "you're a crazy bitch Danie, knock it off and get over it." Do you have a friend or family member you can trust to support you? If you do you should let them help, I know it sounds funny, but they will be happy to help. They will be glad that they get to support you instead of standing on the outside looking in, helpless. I worry when I get into that state that I will be a burden on the people who love me, but I've learned that shutting them out and not letting them support me is harder on them then leaning on them when I need it. 

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Are there any crisis lines you can call when you start to feel like you want to cut? Or when you feel you are dissociating? 

 

Damik has some good suggestions. I'm sorry I didn't address the part of your post when you talked about dissociating. Are you able to try some things when you feel yourself dissociating, that might "bring you back"? 

 

Some ideas include, lighting a scented candle or incense, wearing a certain perfume that's scent grounds you (is that proper English? I dunno...), you can put your feet on the floor and imagine roots growing out of your feet and into the floor, to represent grounding you. If you feel like your body needs a shock to bring you back to Earth, you could try splashing cold water in your face, taking a cold shower or holding ice cubes. 

 

How are you doing now, Tea? 

 

I hope you've been able to comfort yourself and I do hope you've been able to talk with your SO about what happened. 

 

And, remember, we do have the thread at the top of the board "Today I wanted to self harm, instead I..." which is full of things to do instead of cutting when you feel the urge to cut. 

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Thank you for replying guys, its helped a lot to know people are listening

I worry when I get into that state that I will be a burden on the people who love me, but I've learned that shutting them out and not letting them support me is harder on them then leaning on them when I need it.

Thats a big issue for me, feeling like a burden with all my problems but I've been speaking to my SO and my friend to try to calm my hectic thoughts, it has helped I just need to force myself not to bottle things up.

I find listening to relaxing piano music helps, i just forget to do things like that when im feeling so bad. I need to remember to look after myself more, its one of my biggest problems really when dealing with MI.

I've been referred to the home treatment team at a hospital nearby, im hoping they get in contact tomorrow & help in some way.

I'm feeling a little fragile after today, it involved two meetings with mental health teams to push for the referral, but im feeling a little better, just really really tired. I'm going to watch a film, distract myself & avoid being triggered.

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