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Hi

 

I am 26 years old and have had depression from the age of 14 and on medication from the age of 18.

No matter how low I have been I have always been able to picture getting better and happy again. But not now, im so

miserable and lonely I don't ever see an end in sight.

 

It's not just my depression, it's everything, I have been in a seven year relationship since I was 19, I have lived with the person for the last  four years. Things are terrible, he's 14 years older and whilst it never used to bother me, it does now.

I have been with this person for 7 years and there is no engagement ring on my finger, even worse we haven't been intimate in a year and a half, the nice hugs and kisses stopped a year ago and all that replaces them is shouting at each other,

and arguing over money. He works a lot, and even when he comes home he is often working most of the evening, despite this he never seems to have any money and the rent is a month and a half late. He spends most of his other free time in the gym and we rarely talk expect to argue. We have broken up several times in the last 2 years but having no where else to go this never actually happens.

 

He is also allergic to cleaning, our apartment Is a real state and I'm to feminist and depressed to do it all myself, the carpets

are cream coloured and filthy, I used to try and keep it nice but it seems there is no point anymore, it always feels like it's my money being spent on the place, we are in desperate need of a new sofa and my bed hurts me so I have to lay a duvet on it just to wake up not in pain, the last straw is our dryer is broken and now our clothes smell, he was suppose to have taken care of it but being so late with the rent has meant he doesn't want to call the landlord.

 

I also live away from family and friends and the only time I leave the apartment is to go grocery shopping and the occasional  trip out. I am unemployed as I have been to ill to work, I survive on very little money, I used to make the effort to apply for jobs and courses but after being turned down so many times don't see the point. I have a university degree

and I had hoped by now to have done a masters in social work but my lack of experience is an issue. I had a lot planned for my life and it feels like im just getting older and nothing will ever happen for me, im very lonely I get up at lunch time and watch movies. I want to be nearer my family but living with them is not an option.

 

I'm on a waiting list for therapy, but I feel like it can only help me a bit as it can't change my living situation, I can't move anywhere without a deposit and as I can barely afford essentials this isn't possible. I don't see things ever changing and

I don't see the point in looking after myself anymore. I'm not currently on anti depressants as the side effects are sometimes scary, I know I can't bare to stay a second longer living the way I do but there is nothing I can do about it.

 

sorry for this long post.

Edited by isthisit?
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It sounds like you need to see a pdoc asap.  I know that med side effects can be scary, but so is the alternative.  I'm glad you're on a waiting list for therapy as I think it can really help with the issues you're facing.  Are you waiting for a particular therapist or just waiting to be assigned one?

 

Perhaps its time to re-evaluate your current relationship.  It doesn't seem to be making you very happy.

 

Is it possible for you to get back into studying for your masters degree?  That would give you a sense of purpose and all allow you to be around people which is always helpful.

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I'm not sure I have a lot of advice as you're stuck in a really tough situation. I agree that while the side effects of meds can be yuck, in some situations the benefits outweigh the side effects and if you feel you can't pull yourself out of a hole you're in it gives you that little bit of a hand up.

Talking to someone is also a good idea. There's so much on your plate it's hard to know what to tackle first. I wish I could give you some advice on moving out but I don't know how things work in other countries. In Australia there are things in place that can help people in your situation.

Just wanted to let you know someone is listening.

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Thanks for your kind words of advice, but I feel overwhelmed by my circumstances to do anything about it. I can't move anywhere as I have no money so im stuck here. studying is  not an option as I have zero money and the ones I can get funding for (teaching and social work) I do not have enough experience, I am defiantly to unwell for work at the moment. I may be able to get on a counselling course but this starts in September and I have become phobic of being In public and I have gained weight.

 

Things have got worse, they now want me to go for an assement, which is unfair as they haven't given me anything near what I should receive,so now I have to get some legal advice and  gather my evidence, in time for the 5th of December. I have £8 in my bank account to feed myself until Friday and then I only have £10 for the following week, I have 2 bills which I seriously will struggle to pay. I might have to swallow the rest of my dignity and go to the food collection at the church. I have to clean my whole apartment on my own, it will take me 2 weeks and still be dirty as the carpets are filthy and the walls have marks on them.

 

Iam very near to self injuring which I haven't in about 3 years, I feel helpless and scared and my anxiety and panic attacks are very bad, I could ring the crisis team but they might want to visit me at home and I can not stand the shame of it all. They don't like to be called about anxiety or depression as they don't view it that seriously.

 

I'm pretty sure people in their twenties are suppose to be having fun. I have this huge battle to face and I just want it all to be over.

Edited by isthisit?
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I can understand. Some holes just seem insurmountable. I think you need to concentrate on getting yourself feeling at least a little bit better first, then tackle the house and life (I empathize, I suffered agoraphobia for a year and while I'm better than I was it's still there somewhat, I too hate being out in public often). If the crisis team are the only people who can help, then as much as you hate it it might not be a bad idea. They might even have some suggestions for you on how to get out of the situation you are in.

Also if you can get your mental health feeling a bit better the cleaning might not seem such a huge task as it does now (I empathize with this too, I've been in a bad place the last month and the cleaning I used to do was the first to go, I've been lucky that my husband and kiddies have been helping out a lot or I cannot imagine how my place would look). Of course there'll still be a lot to do, but you might not feel so helpless about it.

Call the companies who you owe the bill money to. Often if you admit that things are really tough at that moment they will let you set up a payment plan or even put the bill on hold for a couple of weeks to give you some time to come up with the money.

I wish I could be of more help, here to listen if you need to talk though.

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Just wanted to note,  the theory that the 20's are fun and happy is bullshit.  Really, I am not exagerating, people put up a good front is all. Your 30s are sooooo much better than your 20s. I know that this isn't therapy, but don't beat yourself up, because many, many 20 somethings are giving you a false impression of how they're lives are going!

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I'm pretty sure people in their twenties are suppose to be having fun. I have this huge battle to face and I just want it all to be over.

 

With the exception of college, which ended right before I was 23, my 20s and 30s really sucked.  So far my 40s have been great ... I'm 41 so I haven't lived through the decade, but so far compared to my 20s and 30s, it has been much better.  Maybe though it was because the MI was dominating my life in so many ways, ie hallucinations and delusions, until about late 30's, when the cocktail of current meds came to be and I stabilized.

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thanks everyone :). I was worried I was going to be judged because of the state of my home, im normally a clean person I have just been slidding further and further into depression.

 

I really enjoyed 19-22, I was in university, had friends and went out a lot. I'm hoping in my 30's I will become less insecure and really go for the things I want. I do not go on Facebook because my peers seem to be getting married, having good jobs etc.

 

In regard to the bills, I can afford to pay one of them and half of the other, I will have to ring them once I have paid the half and ask them to delay it for 2 weeks, im hoping because I have been a loyal customer for 3 years and have always paid them on time they will be reasonable, but I have never had to do it before so I'm nervous.

 

I have been invited to go for an interview for the counselling course and It is only an introduction to counselling one year course, they want me to answer a lot of questions.

 

Today I cleaned my bedroom and bathroom and wiped the walls, I don't know what to do about the carpets, my cleaner is rubbish and I don't have the money to hire one. I still have a lot of cleaning to do and the more I think about it the more overwhelmed I become.

 

I think I will wait until the weekend, if I get any worse I will ring the crisis team, I had no luck trying to get legal advice and help today for my assement, the company say they can delay it until the 10th.

 

I'm not on any anti depressants because I have found the side effects scary recently, so I feel pretty low.

Edited by isthisit?
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Facebook can be tough. What you have to remember though is that everyone only puts out there what they want other people to see. My facebook does not reflect who I am at all nor does it contain anything that really happens to me in everyday life. I have few photo's up and my personal info is mostly left blank. If people want to know they can jolly well message me and ask me.

I wish I could tell you your 30's are completely different to your 20's. I haven't found them to be so. There is less pressure for me to go nightclubbing etc but there's still other pressures to go out to dinner, have a happy marriage (not that I don't but I know what you mean by people expecting things), pressure to be a perfect Mum etc etc. The pressures are different but they are still there. I don't feel any more free to do what I want than I did in my 20's but my anxiety levels are still high (especially right at this moment). I don't think it's so much to do with age as it is where you are at emotionally.

With the bills, if you've never had to ask for an extension before that's even better. They look favourably upon those who have a consistent payment record.

Yay for you cleaning! Congratulate yourself for the achievements, don't look at what you didn't do today. Some days doing anything at all is a win.

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My 40s were tough from the point of view of money problems, and health issues of both mine and my husband. from 2007- 2012 we were really trying kind of desperately to get his seizures under control, ending with a failed surgery that made things worse. From 2009 and still going forward, I have had really bad problems with headache. DH applied for SSDI first, and he got it pretty quickly, tonic-clonic seizures are pretty dramatic. A couple of months later, I applied (my pain Dr. kept saying, "Why aren't you on SSDI yet?). My pdoc also agreed to be interviewed about the BP as an ancillary illness. I assumed I would have to appeal, but I got it in less than a month! With backpay. Thank G-d. So that was in 2012. We realized we couldn't afford the San Jose, and the parts of CA we could afford were meth labs, more or less. Then my friend told me to move out here to Utah, we would have  almost as good a standard of living, and it is totally true.

 

So we moved here in June. I hardly get out, but what I see is beautiful. I turned 50 in September.

 

So my 40s were tough, but my husband an I really sealed a bond. We joke we have had the "in good times and in bad," and "in sickness" parts of our vows, done and done. Now we are just waiting for the "in health" part. :)

 

Ironically, DH was put in a study of a new med that won't be on the market until 2016 or 2017, and it has given him the best control of any of his meds, and dealt with his post surgical seizures as well. Down from a two or three bad ones every ten days, to a mild one once a month; he is usually conscious!

 

I'm scared and excited about my 50s. On the one hand, it is extremely likely that I have lived more than half my life, and that is daunting. On the other, I have really decided what is important to me, and what is not. Also, to not do things I don't want to do to make me look good. Of course, I am not talking about my friends. But my husband and I are pretty much hermits. And we like it that way. We used to feel guilty about not being more social, but we just aren't, and there is no law against us.

 

And I like Facebook. I keep in touch with all of my friends from high school, college, and law school, who scattered all around the world. If we need help that we don't want to broadcast, we pm or email. My friends in Singapore and Kahzakstan? I'm never going to see them again. But we still hash out concerns, quietly support each other behind the scenes.

 

Blah-di-Blah-di-Blah....

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I'[d definitely encourage you to call the Crisis Team, or maybe visit your GP, because they should be able to refer you on to services that can help with the practical side of things. I've just been referred to a tenancy support service for help with debts and benefits and stuff, and also a reablement team to help me manage my house better and support me to do other stuff. It's hard when you feel overwhelmed by circumstances to see that things can ever get better - but they can, and I'm sure with the right help they will. 

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Can you get out of the relationship..... go and live with family or something?  The relationship doesn't sound healthy for fulfilling for either of you to be honest.  Life is too short to be sticking around with someone you are no longer in love with. 

 

I'm a year older than you and I can say my 20s have been pretty shit overall... (as were my teen years so this is just a continuation).... mental & physical illness, family stress, etc, etc..........  at the moment  I'm studying at university part-time; surrounded by teenagers who seem full of energy and raring to go. Meanwhile it is going to take me the best part of 6 years to do a 3 year course.   Like you I am interested in doing a post-grad in social work......although I would probably be 92 by the time I finish that!  So yeah I have developed on a personal level but nowhere near as much as I'd like and I strongly  resent the notion that your 20s are supposed to be your best years of life..... as they are not for me any many others.   

 

You sound very down as well, can you visit your DR....pdoc... contact crisis team or something? 

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thanks again, we still love each other, it's just things have become so hard financially that things are very hard and complicated, but yes I do need more then a memory of happy times and it really makes me anxious that I have wasted 2-3 years. I had imagined at this age to have an MA, either be settled in a nice home in a nice town, or emigrated, as being a social worker allows you to go to certain countries. The recession hit the year before I left University so it isn't how I planned at all. I also planned to be engaged around this age.

 

I did not know about tenancy support, I will have to look into it as I am a private tenant, I honestly don't think my sainty can handle the stress of a break up, especially one where I will have to be re-housed, moving in with family isn't an option as due to my mental health, I have said some pretty bad things, some warranted, some not. They know I suffer living the way I do but no one has offered to help me. I have a sibling who recently moved in with relatives so that she could save money, she has a job and she basically just wants to be like a teenager and spend all her money on clothes and going out to bars. The more I think about it the more distressed I become, I feel like no one cares apart from doctors and they only  care because they are being paid. I come from a working class family who look down on me because I don't currently have a job.

 

all I want is to leave my apartment near a busy road and live in a quiet area, once I have done that I think I will be then capable of getting employment and moving forward and as I don't have any money this is never going to happen. I may have to go to the food bank this week. I am still waiting to hear from CAB about getting help with my assement and debt. I just feel so lonely and lost

and freighted at the same time. I have had to look after myself my whole life and I can't handle it anymore.

 

Sorry to hear that CRT, it sounds really tough, I hope things are better at the moment.

 

I have got to go somewhere on Friday and then I'm going to contact my doctor to make an appointment on Monday and tell them that i feel like si'ing and suicidal and see if he can get me an urgent pdoc appointment because he doesn't know enough about medication. but it will be embarrassing.

Edited by isthisit?
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