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Please can you help me improve my appearance?

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I hate being Black girl…it’s a curse. Black girls are deemed the least desirable and least attractive race. Mixed, White, Asian, Latina and Indian girls are usually prettier than Black girls since they have lighter colored skin, nicer facial features and better more manageable hair. I would have been happy if I was born any other race or was at least mixed so I could have had a better chance at looking decent. Black female features are considered unfeminine many people even say that they look men. I always hear people say that, “It’s hard to find a pretty Black girl…she usually has to be mixed to be pretty”. I am so jealous of those Mixed, White, Asian, Latina and Indian girls cause of their better looks and better hair. But since I have to live in this body I want to make myself look as less Black as possible. I have full lips (that are not huge), medium sized nose, brown skin, and coarse/kinky hair – overall I can only fix 2 out of the 4 problems. I plan to lighten my skin and get a weave. I want to lighten my skin simply because it is too dark…well it’s brown but I consider it dark. Dark skin is considered a masculine trait which is why both dark and light skin guys are desired. I know that White girls like to tan to get darker but their goal is to get nice light brown skin nobody wants dark brown skin. Also I want to get a weave because as you all know being Black my hair is coarse/kinky and a nightmare to look at and deal with. Full Black hair is a big turn off to people they always prefer mixed Black hair.


In this world light skin is prettier than dark skin, delicate facial features are prettier than huge/broad facial features, and straight/curly hair is prettier than coarse/kinky hair – that’s just the way it is. Of course not everybody thinks this way but a vast majority of people do. This is why majority of guys even go for light skinned girls who are White, Asian, Latina, Indian or mixed. Many Black guys also choose these girls over Black girls simply because they are generally better looking. There are only few guys that actually like Black girls and those guys are hard to find. I really wish I was one of those pretty light skinned girls so damn bad. I am horrified and hurt that I was born this way. People have always told me to “love myself as I am” which drives me crazy especially when the person who says it is some other race. Maybe it’s easy for them to love themselves but they have no idea how it feels to live being Black. I was bullied all through elementary, middle and high school because of my hair and skin. Also any guy I liked made it perfectly clear that they only wanted the light skinned girls not me. Because of this I developed depression and anxiety issues. I know I got super unlucky being born just Black but I am going to do all that I can to improve my looks. Do you know any good safe skin lightening creams? Do you know any other ideas on how I can improve my appearance?

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Are you in therapy?  I think a lot of your feelings towards your body and feelings of hurt over the way people have responded to your race/appearance are things worth talking about in therapy.


Please do not bleach your skin.  I am a white man so I can't empathize with what you're going through... but I can imagine it would be very difficult to be a black woman, especially in terms of the pressures placed upon you to conform to certain stereotypes of beauty.  All I can say is that a guy who would turn you down based on the shade of your skin is probably not worth your time.  


A woman can be beautiful no matter what race or skin color she is.  

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Hi Reni and welcome to CB.


I'm sorry that you are feeling very personally the effects of racism and white privilege.


Skin lightening creams and hair straighteners are pretty toxic. Have you seen the relatively recent documentary by Chris Rock called Hair? It's a really really good, though at times humorous, look at Black women and hair.


There are some people who would consider you less desirable for trying to make yourself look less Black.


And as koakua said, anyone who turns you down for looking "too Black" isn't worth your time.


The problems you describe are just traits of who you are. They are not problems. Your hair, skin, lips, and nose are part of who you are.


Plus, we all know what happened to Michael Jackson. That just wasn't pretty. ;)

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I'm biracial.... And in all honesty i think black woman are beautiful. My mother is black and my father is white. And my mother side has very beautiful woman. 


But, the sad thing is...when your biracial... a black man nor a white man usually doesn't want to marry a biracial woman from my experience. I've been dissed and look at with hatred as well as looked at like some kind of alien just cuz i am biracial.


the saying is "there is someone for someone"


Just because 20 guys haven't liked you... doesn't mean out of the next 20 guys there will not be one of them.


You have to have self confidence...and love yourself. That's what draws a man to you. Take good care of your skin, good hygiene, if you feel do a basic natural make up to emphasize the aspects of your face you love, dress well.


I dress like a grudge chick from the 80's rofl. And i don't mean to.. that's just my natural style. Figure out what is your natural style.


And fyi my hair might look manageable but it isn't! I have to keep it very short... any longer i would have to wash it every night, do hair mask, focus on my scalp. I've given up. And I've met a lot of biracial girls and they all have different hair types...some are more course and closer to being black like and others are pin straight looking. And honestly you have an identity.. you can identify your self as black... i can't identify myself as white or black.. without hatred.... and the moment i say i am biracial i get the "disgust look". Even though they are saying i am pretty.


Be happy your black... it's harder to be biracial in my opinion. I wish i was fully black... then i might have more peace and feel i belong somewhere.


WHO GIVES A (beep) WHAT A MAN THINKS.. HONESTLY! Woman are so focus on what a man thinks.. what a man wants... (beep) him... do what you want, follow your heart, be who you want to be. You don't need a damn man's approval to be happy. You'll be more happy at your death bed without regrets... then to be on a death bed regretting not following your heart.. and loving yourself just because of some man.


Why are you even focusing on what someone else thinks? I had to learn quickly to not care what someone thought or i would have been dead by now.


Biracial children would have been killed just for being born because it's an abomination if america didn't change its laws. And Biracial woman still get the discussed abomination look. I'm gonna live my life... and if i never meet a man or never have a child i don't give a two cent... because i rather be happy with myself than to conform to what a man wants.

Edited by CherryBlossom
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You are eventually GOING TO HAVE TO accept yourself. This is coming from a woman who can't do that herself, but I'm getting there I guess. Trying. whatever.


And yeah, I changed how I look to help this. Just a few things that can easily be reversed, but I did some shit to make me feel better about myself. I understand wanting to do that. 


I've avoided mirrors for years at a time hating what I saw. Crying over it. Whatever. 


But looks, no matter how important they are to society, cannot be a main focus. It took me years to realize that. 


Because I'm going to get old, and wrinkly and saggy and look like death one day. That's going to happen. 


I can go there being bitter and angry, or get there accepting myself and being better for that. It's not easy, it's fucking difficult as hell. I REALLY hate how I look. But I don't want to painfully compare myself to "better looking" women all the time. That hurts like hell. It's a terrible obsession and it can really take over your life and it sounds like it has yours. I've been there. It is really painful and it is NOT easy to get out of that mindset. AT ALL.


And even having found a boyfriend, nine years later I'm BETTER, but it's not like I ever truly accepted any compliments, believed them, anything like that. Finding a man who claimed to find me desirable hurt WORSE because I just KNEW I was hearing LIES all the time. 


It doesn't come from an outside source, the feeling better about it. It comes from you. I probably did a million different things since I was eleven to be PRETTY. To be THIN to think that guys would eventually want me. Well, then I found one who did. How much better did I feel on a scale of 1-10 confidence wise? 0 to -3. 


Now that's just me. Maybe finding a man will help you feel better. I cannot speak for you. I just know the hell you are going through and it really makes sense to me even though mine was never a racial issue, I simply believed I was born just absolutely hideous. 


I believe my dude's compliments now from time to time. Not as absolute truths, but truths to him. To believe them fully will never happen.


For me, I have to make me feel better or not give a damn MYSELF. Doing these little things to help me feel better about myself didn't do much, honestly. 


And that is right on that any man who would turn you down because you are black is a total fucking dick. Any man who finds you less attractive because of your skin color is not the man you want. You want a man that likes everything under that skin. Then you might be happy.


I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I am another woman who truly does find black women to be very beautiful. There is beauty in any race and under any skin tone.


Please see a therapist. Please. Work on this. You really don't have to live in that hell your entire life.

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You know I've always thought the opposite, that black women tend to be more beautiful than other races. I'm not trying to make you feel better, that is truly my opinion. It saddens me that you feel so bad about yourself. Do you have a therapist? Working through this in therapy could really help.

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Sorry but you're just wrong about black women being unattractive and less feminine. As a pasty faced honkey I can tell you that black women are no less attractive than women of other races. You're not happy with the way you look, many people here probably feel the same and I have a face that even a mother couldn't love.

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I find black women very sexy and attractive.  I have always thought that dark skin is much more attractive than pasty white skin.


It would seem to me that you might benefit from therapy, to learn how to love yourself.  We all have a unique beauty, and you just have to learn what your best features are and play them up. 



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I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you do about yourself. I think it's kind of universal that women never feel they are __________ enough, whatever the ______________ may be. Our culture and media pretty much condition us to feel that way from birth and it sucks balls.


I'm with all the others who say therapy is a good idea in working towards accepting yourself exactly as you are, both inside and out. And believe me, we all know how hard that is, so we're not offering that advice lightly.


Wooster is right in that it is the effects of racism and white privilege that are part of your problem; YOU are correct in saying that society places more value on light skin. It's shitty, it's wrong and it sucks. But it can change, and one way it can change is for individuals to make their own definitions of beauty, and see the beauty within themselves.


This may seem really weird, but I'm going to suggest you make a tumblr account and start following some blogs that may help you see the beauty in black women. Look for hashtags: #naturalhair #intersectionalfeminism #whiteprivilege (<-- this one so you can see how fucking nuts white people are when it comes to race). I can suggest a few specific blogs if you like; just drop me a PM if you are interested.


(I'd actually recommend the tumblr thing for EVERYONE - no matter how you identify ethnically, gender-wise, or sexuality-wise. Very eye opening and makes you think a lot about your own behavior/thoughts/actions.)

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Hi Reni, 

welcome to CB. 

You've been on my mind since I read this post. I'm so sorry you've been exposed to so much bullying and racism and as a result you're feeling so anxious about your appearance. 


Have you ever talked a psychologist about this? It may help for you to talk about your experiences, but I'm also wondering if there is something else going on here. I am NOT diagnosing you, but I'm curious if you have ever heard of body dysphormic disorder?


It's a disorder somewhat similar to OCD, in which people feel very distressed about part of their bodies. It's treatable, but many people don't seek treatment and focus on plastic surgery or other ways to change their appearance - these things have a very poor success rate and people end up just as anxious after changing their appearance.

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