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Bipolar, drinking, rages....


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Too many triggers lately. New job, cut off from family including daughter and grandkids. Snapped yesterday. Threw huge pieces of furniture around like they were nothing. Husband went to motel. Today is my birthday and I'm spending it alone trying to clean up broken potted plants and dirt everywhere. I grew up in this kind of hell, here I go recreating it. At the time it feels so satisfying to throw things. Had spent the whole morning sobbing bc my daughter won't let me see kids even for my bd. She's been doing this for almost 2 yrs. I have had periods of sobriety but she doesn't care. I stopped crying, started drinking, and then several hours later went into the rage. I have a therapist to call tmrw and maybe start seeing. AA is too religious here I'm in the Bible Belt and am agnostic. And they have little understanding of bp. I started Latuda a month ago. It's been helping unless I drink more than 2-3. Trying to plan out my week to go to an exercise class or something after work instead of drinking. But sometimes I hurt so much I just want to be drunk. I can't do these rages anymore. I don't know how to stop all of this. :(

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I'm sorry you are struggling so much.  It sounds like you have a number of stressors happening at the same time.  Talking to a therapist sounds like a good idea.

 

I just wanted to let you know that I am reading and thinking of you on your birthday.

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Think I'm quitting the job.

 

Making big decisions in the middle of a crisis is never really a good thing.  It sounds as if you desperately need to talk this all through face-to-face with a neutral person.  And a big part of what you talk about to that person has to be how to get a grip on your drinking problem.  You said you were going to call a therapist today - have you done that yet?  If not, I strongly encourage you to do so.  You're clearly suffering, a lot, and you don't have to - but what you do have to do is reach out for help.  You deserve better than this.

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