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Sometimes I feel like waking up...sometimes I feel like changing...


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'...But it's oh, so easy to say when your brain is not inside your head...'(Pist.On)

 

 

I made such a big mistake. I don't know where I got the new blade from, and now I'm pissed because I can't remember where I put it. But I wanna use it now because I want his name on me somewhere. They all get that special recognition. The ones that hurt me the most. Or the ones I love the most. Which usually ends up being who I'm hurt the most by.

 

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. 14 years. He said he was too tired to talk about it tonight. But we talked about it some. Wasn't enough for me. It simply wasn't.

 

I want to injure right now because my pain is real and nobody gives a damn and it doesn't seem like they will. Not him, at least. And if he does, there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I hate this so much. If I wasn't such a chicken shit I'd just take the blade to my throat again. If I could find it.

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If you think you are in danger of cutting your throat, please call an ambulance or head to a hospital emergency room. 

 

I'm so sorry you're suffering right now, NeonGhost. Do you want to talk about what's upsetting you? I can't really glean from your post exactly what happened. But maybe that's not important. What I'm hearing from you is that you feel like your pain is real but no one cares. I know I used to feel like that sometimes and I would cut myself to make the pain "look" real and to express the pain. So, you are certainly not alone in these feelings. 

 

Do you want to talk about some alternatives to self harm? There are lots of alternatives posted at the top of the board.

 

I see that you posted this quite a bit earlier in the day. I hope you're feeling better since then. Please update when you can. I'll be thinking of you. 

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I believe you. The pain is real to me. Come back and talk, if you feel able. There are folks here who "get it," from our own experiences.

Perhaps instead of cutting his name on yourself, it would be possible to take a pen or a marker and write your own name. Over and over, if need be. Your feelings are real, and it's you to whom your loyalty is deserved. Perhaps giving yourself the recognition for being in pain, and for all that you've survived til now, would be a non painful alternative.

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Oh my God, Parapluie, I wrote you a response yesterday and thought I posted it, but apparently it did not post. Sucks, because I don't remember what I said now :( But I am not going to kill myself. I feel very strongly about dying, but I have way too much going on now for that to happen, plus I know the idea is just ridiculous and a product of my depression et al yelling at me. When I feel that strongly I do try to get it out somewhere...I have an online journal plus coming here, does help. I really appreciate your commenting back to me. Knowing I'm not alone.

 

Mim, [Edited] I really, REALLY hate my name so there's no way I would write it on myself over and over, but the idea behind it is good. I have been holding off and holding back on this pain in an attempt at self-preservation, but in reality what I've really needed to do is release the pain. Coming here was a good idea. Thanks for writing back to me. Really good to know I'm not alone.

Edited by Parapluie
triggers/methods
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OK, now after getting a message that I didn't see last night, my last post might be removed. I'm sorry if I spoke of things I shouldn't have, i.e. method of destruction and whatnot. I don't have the energy to repost anything so I just hope what I wrote got seen.

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Hi NeonGhost, 

 

What you wrote was hidden because it was discussing specific methods. We prefer not to discuss methods here, as it doesn't serve a purpose in a recovery context. I edited your reply to me, just cause it had specific methods too. Don't take it personally - we just want to focus on recovery here. :)

 

I'm sorry you ended up self harming. But, I'm glad you came here! I hope knowing you aren't alone helps you to feel better. I'm also glad that you know it's your depression telling you to kill yourself, and depression lies. I'm really glad you don't want to kill yourself and know it's depression talking. I hope you know that you deserve kindness and compassion right now. If you do have serious thoughts of killing yourself though, please stay safe and call an ambulance or go to an emergency room at a hospital.  

 

Would you like to talk about ways you can avoid cutting in the future? Mim had the really good suggestion of writing on yourself. It doesn't necessarily have to be your name, it could be just lines or hearts or spirals or something. 

 

If you feel like cutting again, feel free to come here or post in the "I wanted to self-harm today, instead i..." thread. That thread is also full of real ideas that our members have used to stop them from self-harming. 

 

Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist? Someone professional you can talk to about this stuff?

Edited by Parapluie
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I just got approved for Medicaid, so I can seek out a therapist and P-doc and not have to worry about the cost. God knows I need to, because being unmedicated is not helping me at all.

 

I understand about my previous posts, and I'm sorry I didn't know better. I am doing OK now. I got to talk to my mom and some good friends and they helped me. I can't go to the hospital or anything like that because I have kids and a very sick husband. I will visit the thread you speak of when I start to feel that way! It doesn't happen that often anymore, but when it does it's pretty strong.

 

Thanks for replying. I really do appreciate it. I will try to go easier on myself.

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I'm glad you were able to talk to your mom and some good friends. I understand how difficult it is to take care of yourself when you have children and sick family members, and I'm sorry your husband is very sick. 

 

I'm glad you'll try to go easier on yourself. You deserve respect, kindness and compassion. Do try to remember that. :)

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