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Death... It's not so bad, is it?


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I just joined after reading a thread about feeling like death doesn't matter.

 

Ever since my girlfriend and I broke up, I've been left devastated and severely damaged.  I can't do my regular routine anymore, I don't have any drive for anything other than waiting for the day I end.

I feel as if, I wish to go to sleep and never wake up or that I would leave my house and be struck by a car that would instantly end me.  I don't want to commit suicide or anything, I just don't think it matters or makes sense for me to sit around and make it harder for others around me.

 

She left me because I always blamed her for everything, I always thought of her as a selfish person, and what not.  I took all the bad in me and labeled her with it.  She was also sick of nagging me to do things that should be simple to most people.  I'm young, just turned 18.  She broke up with me on our anniversary, and recently I started taking up smoking to compensate for the hole left in me.  To me, me and her were my world, because we did everything together.  We shared tons of special moments and it doesn't go away.  And needless to say, she was my "first" if you know what I mean.  I don't even have drive to look at another woman and have the urge to want to do things like that.  I'm completely shut down.

 

I've pretty much lost everything since I remember.  My parents divorced when I was 6, my dad tried to commit suicide infront of me when I was 9, my mother almost chopped my arm off with a cleaver at 7, my sister is currently suffering with leukemia, the list goes on.  I thought having a relationship would make me happy, and it did, I felt for once that life was worth living and the depression I suffered then disappeared.

 

But we're at today, and loneliness drives me insane, it makes life not worth living.

 

I just want to hear what everyone's words are on this, harsh, sympathetic or whatever, it'd be nice to know.

Thank you for reading.

Edited by CheeseOfQwah
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I have been suicidal after a bad breakup before. It really sucks. It's really fucking hard when it seems like someone is your entire purpose for existing and then they just decide to leave. I know, I've been there. Especially when the other aspects of your life seem bleak and hopeless, too. The pain is overwhelming and it feels like there's a big gaping hole in your chest. The pain is real, legitimate, and you have to give yourself time to grieve the loss of the person you love and of the future you had imagined together, as if they had died. And sometimes it takes a long time for that process to happen, years maybe. But it will happen. One day you will wake up and the pain will be less, and you'll find you can do some things you did before, and maybe she won't be the first thing you think about when you wake up anymore. And you'll think about her less and less. And gradually the pain will lessen even more until one day it will be gone and you can look back on the relationship and see it as an important learning experience in your life that led you to grow as a person, and nothing more.

 

If you're depressed on top of all that, it will make it much worse. Do you have a psychiatrist or therapist who can help you through this? I would really recommend both.

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Depression is like a storm that passes over. It can cause a lot of damage some times. It can be dark and lonely. One can feel hopeless and worthless and just want to give up. But just like a storm that passes, so does depression. Death however is permanent and final. I lost my first born son when he was only 14. The darkest period of my life. I did not care about any thing. By far the deepest depression period I ever faced. It lasted 6 months straight no breaks. I got divorced and was alone too. Many times I just wanted to give up. That was back in 1987. I thought life was over for me. Eventually I met another woman, my depression slowly started to pass. I got better. I have twins a boy and a girl now, 9 years old. They don't replace my first born, but you see I'm trying to show you life goes on, continues and we get stronger as we go along too. There isn't a day that goes by I do not think of my first born, but I am stronger now. You are still young and I am not in any way trying to down play what you are feeling. Depression hurts no matter what the cause. The point is, it does pass! 

Edited by IndieVisible
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  • 2 weeks later...

It is really hard to focus on the fact that things always change when we feel our worst. We get sucked in like a vacuum and it's hard pulling ourselves out, we rarely can do it on our own. Often we need help. No matter how bad you feel now this moment, understand and remember you will feel better, and one thing I can guarantee, this will make you stronger too! Hang in there!

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I realize that you are doing better and that I am late to the party, but I want to answer the question. The answer is that, yes, death is that bad. It's that bad because it is so final and there is no way to undo it. Any hopes or dreams you might have had or would have had in the future are extinguished. There is no way to get around the finality of death. It is a permanent solution to a temporary state of mind. Meds exist and they do work; it's just a matter of finding the right meds or the right combination of meds. Don't do something that cannot be undone.

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