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Physically: exhausted. I've tried to wash my hair today, but had to take breaks during, because I simply couldn't lift my arms up. And eventually just gave up.

Mentally: finished. If someone would offer a pill, promising a clean and relatively painless death, I wouldn't have to think twice taking it.

Emotionally: drained.

Can't do it, I cannot manage with everything. I have a tdoc appointment in the morning, but I have no idea what to tell him. Trying to resist the urge to SI :/

Sorry about the rant :(

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Be honest with your tdoc. I get that feeling too, just wanting to give up, fuck everything, it's done.

It goes away. It fucking sucks though. keep resisting the urge, as hard as it is. You've already resisted it.

 

No need to apologize for the rant. Come into chat if you need to rant more. Or rant on a blog. Any distraction to get you to not SI, and to get you to your appointment tomorrow. Hopefully your tdoc can help. If you want, call a crisis line.

 

Best wishes.

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Thanks, yep I know I should just be open and honest with the tdoc, but it's not the easiest thing to do... And even when I try, it always seems to come out completely wrong.

I probably should call the crisis line, but even with that, I keep thinking "oh there are people who really need help, my stuff aren't 'important' enough to waste someone's time on"

And besides, I don't have the slightest idea how to even begin to explain. :(

Fck. I'm so sick of feeling this way, and being the way I am.

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" And even when I try, it always seems to come out completely wrong. "

 

Get it written down in advance, to take with you?

If it comes out clearly, you will have got things across with less stress of doing remembering and structuring live.

And if it won't come out on paper in any orderly manner, that's showing up the active confusion and disorientation, at the least.

 

Physically exhausted magnifies all other symptoms and problems, basically.

I can't, not knowing your situation, but I'd lean towards saying that sleep and rest should be top priority, what ever else has to slide.

People make bad decisions when badly tired.

Been there, done that, acquired scars, without deliberate SI.  

Just driving when too tired kills people, never mind trying to steer a life.

 

I'm just going by general principle here: apologies if this doesn't fit your personal situation.

 

Chris.

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Writing everything down has worked for me several times. There were periods when I'd write a little something for all the days between appointments. When I went to my appointment the first thing I'd do is hand over my notes. It worked for me. I didn't have to relive the whole thing and worry about missing something. You might want to give it a try.

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Just came back from the appointment.

 

Thank you Chris, yes the things you mentioned are of course general, but everything you said applies very well. I think a big part of this downward spiral is the fact that I'm again sleeping even worse than "normal" :( I'm afraid to ask any meds for sleeping (well, I really don't have a place where I could even ask, and I doubt that with my history I wouldn't get them even if I'd ask).

What you said about steering a life is very insightful. Thank you for that.

 

sylvan (and Chris you too), indeed.. I have thought about writing things down between the appointments several times (and actually even done it a few times). I don't know why that didn't occur to me this time.. Perhaps I'm afraid that he really doesn't want to (or can't) take on any "new" stuff from me because we're kind of in the "beginning of the end" with him. At some point (pretty soon, I guess) I should find a new tdoc and start some kind of more "intensive" psychotherapy with that person...

 

Anyway.. the appointment didn't go "too bad".. but I don't think he really got the full picture on how messed up things are at the moment and how much I'd want a way out. :(

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nanna, do you see a psychiatrist for your meds?  It's pretty apparent that what you're taking isn't doing the job.  I'm not being critical---just concerned because I am very familiar with black despair.  I think you need to talk to someone about your meds.

 

Print out this thread and take it in.  I think I got a pretty good idea of how you are feeling from what you wrote here.

 

olga

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nanna, do you see a psychiatrist for your meds?  It's pretty apparent that what you're taking isn't doing the job.  I'm not being critical---just concerned because I am very familiar with black despair.  I think you need to talk to someone about your meds.

 

 

I do see a psych (for the moment at least), but that appointment isn't until in three weeks. And the meds I'm on now are relatively new to me, so the dosage is still quite low... I have been thinking for some time, that maybe upping the dose would help a bit. I guess that's something I should bring up in the appointment.

 

 

... print this page or write down what you wrote her and show it to him

 

Yes.. maybe I'll do that.

 

Let's just get through the week / to the weekend / the day / few hours / now. Yup, maybe trying to get through 'now' is enough.

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