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I don't understand how I'm going to make it to the end of my life naturally. I'm just so sick of life. My mind hates me. I'm tired of living. It's like hell everyday that I wake up to deal with my shifts in mood and just the unpredictability of it all. I can't fucking do this anymore. It makes me want to break shit, and that's not good. I bought a couple guns, one bb and one pellet, that I've been plinking with in the back yard, and it does help relieve stress to empty a clip of 15 bbs into an old empty plastic planter, shredding it. It feels fucking great. I love it. But that is slightly scary, haha.

I don't know what to do. The only thing that makes me even remotely calm are two guns I've already worked out a way to possibly kill myself with.

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Well, I can see posting this was a waste of fucking time, since I've seen 20, give or take, other threads get replied to and not this one. It's like the story of my fucking life. No one cares. Why should I? I have to pay my team to care. My pdoc cares, he gets paid. Same with my tdoc. I like to think they actually care, but I don't think anyone fucking does. It's all a farce. Fuck this world and the people in it. Why live? What's the point?

Don't bother responding. I don't need fucking sympathy. I need a bullet to the brain, a stab in the heart, a hit and run down on me, trip into traffic, be in a car that stalls on train tracks, etc. You get my drift. I need to be OK and I'm not sure I ever will be.

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Exl2398, please call an ambulance. I don't know what pithy philosophical arguments I can offer. But I know you have been on CBs for years, and that has to make me believe there have been better times for you. If you have felt better before, you can feel better again. Don't hurt yourself. Please call an ambulance.

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I'm sorry every day feels so hard.  I really hope you'll consider going to the ER or calling your pdoc to reach out for help. 

 

I'm not responding just to be nice.  I've seen you in chat and around the boards, and I know you've been struggling for a while now.

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You need to go to the ER, or at least get an emergency appointment with your pdoc. You might have slept off one bad day, but it will be back again and again until you get your illness under control. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself.

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yeah, get to the hospital if you can. Sorry no one replied to you when you really needed to hear something. That fucking sucks, but I don't think it's because no one cares about you. I was not online, if I had seen this, I would have at least said "hello" and "You probably need help."

 

So, hello. I care. You probably need help. Please do the best you can to get that help. And jt is correct, I BELIEVE that no matter what you think about you, you deserve to feel better. MI sucks, please try and listen to outside sources (this place helped me when I needed it. Maybe five minutes or hours after I did, but it helped) because it might help.

 

I can see why you were angry. It's nice that you apologized and didn't leave it at that which I think is great because I can tell you knew you were at least being a little irrational with that (I have done that too and keep doing it, hell if that's an easy habit to break.) It's okay.

 

Also if you were rational enough to do that, you may have it in you to realize that you might need a lot of help right now. I hope. I hope you get it.

 

Let us know, please. I will be wondering. And I actually do care because people on the internet aren't bots, they are real people who happen to be anonymous behind a computer screen. So you're a real person to me. And everyone here, we realize that it's WHY we are here. You have a big problem at the moment that is really painful and I would like to know that you are on your way to getting it resolved. You deserve the help.

 

I hate that these illnesses are a living hell. Sorry. I hope you feel better. That sounds trite but it really isn't. I mean it, just don't know how to word it more eloquently.

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Thanks. I already have an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow at 145pm, so there's that. I'm not sure what I'll say to him, with it being as close to thanksgiving as it is. I hate ruining things. God. I hate this shit. I've been like unstable for a month and a half, going up and down, well on my way towards another IP trip. I don't want to be a burden. My dad called me a burden last time, on the way to the hospital. Sigh. Just ugh.

Edited by exl2398
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 I don't want to be a burden. My dad called me a burden last time, on the way to the hospital. Sigh. Just ugh.

 

I am sure that you dad was just exasperated and didn't mean that. Believe me, you would be much more of a burden if you hurt yourself.

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Idk, jt. He never apologized and never said anything about it again.

I can't do IP around the holidays. I just can't. My mother will not understand it because of her brain damage, my dad will be mad.

I should just run the fuck away. Be no ones problem but my own.

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It is sometimes tough to apologize and maybe he ascribes to the school that love means never having to say you're sorry. In any event, that he hasn't said anything more about it is pretty much proof that he didn't mean it.

 

Maybe you can go IP between Thanksgiving and Christmas sometime? That way you wouldn't miss the holidays with your family.

 

I think you need to be honest with your pdoc tomorrow. I am sure that he can make a med adjustment to have you feeling better. Hang in there and don't give up. There is a thread by Butterflykisses that shows how quickly you can be feeling better.

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I think you need to be honest with your pdoc tomorrow. I am sure that he can make a med adjustment to have you feeling better. Hang in there and don't give up.

 

^^THIS.

 

Good luck at your appt today. Let us know how it goes.

Edited by melissaw72
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Thanks. I talked to my tdoc on the phone last night. He had me make a list of things to talk to my pdoc a out today, and told me to be honest with him even if it means going IP. I am going to downplay the suicidal thoughts, because I am NOT ruining thanksgiving for my family by selfishly going IP when I can just pull it together. I will tell him I've been having the thoughts and everything else on my list, just emphasize my strong desire to consider trying ECT. I am afraid of it, though. Afraid.

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Its not selfish to save your own life by going someplace you will be safe and possibly get on some meds that will help you out of this.  I know the timing isn't great, but you have to do what's best for you.  

 

You really need to be honest with your pdoc about the suicidal thoughts.  They are symptoms of your illness that show how serious things have become.  Good luck.

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