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I think I'm on the bad end of a long and crazy depressed stage and now this feels manic...but a very bad manic. Not a happy one. I'm kind of suicidal. Well, no, that's not true. I'm not suicidal, but I want to die. I'm frustrated with absolutely everything and feel like giving up. And don't know what to do. And I'm tired, and lonely, and afraid, and hateful and every goddamn thing in between.

 

I am not going to hurt myself. But I am so super freaked out and just don't know what to do right now.

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Try taking some deep breaths and focus on your breathing.  Is there a particular smell that you like?  Go get some of that and just breath it in and out.  You could try writing out what you're feeling.  Once its fully morning, you could give your therapist a call, or call your pdoc if you think that would be more helpful.

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Unfortunately, I'm on the hunt for a therapist and p-doc now because I just got approved for Medicaid, so I can find someone better than the psychs at the state-run clinic. I've been off meds for over a year and a half. I've been self-medicating for a while, drinking, smoking weed, etc. But I'm so tired of doing it. It doesn't make me feel better, and being addicted is such a shameful thing.

 

But I'm OK today. Dealing with something that is REALLY tough but I'm a fighter. Thanks to everyone who responded here! I wish I could just sleep for about 48 hours straight...I think I'd feel a whole lot better if the exhaustion was less.

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