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why do some people speak for others instead of speaking only for themselves?


mellifluous
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i am so fucking fed up with people telling me what i think, what i feel, why i think/feel this or that. 

 

why the fuck do so many people pull that shit? it seems like there's no recognition of my ability to speak for myself...no appreciation for the fact that *I* am the one with access to my thoughts and feelings...what is it that motivates a person to NOT actually listen and instead tell me about me? or worse, tell me about me to other people? 

 

things like

 

"you're thinking xyz about ___"

"you're doing/not doing ___ because you feel like...you think that..."

"you're saying this because you think ____, but actually ____"

 

instead of saying 

"what do you think about___?"

"why are/aren't you..."

"how do you feel about?"

 

 

it's dismissive and basically isn't about what *I* think or feel...it's not about what's actually happening with me at all. it's like...instead of actually listening i'm spoken for. and the worst is when what i *actually say* is dismissed as "no...you really think/feel ___"

 

fuck all of that

 

i can't imagine telling someone what they think/feel as if i am better equipped to report their experience 

 

why do people do this? 

 

does anyone here do this and is willing to share how that works? if you do it...are you comfortable with others doing it to you?

 

i promise i won't just attack the shit out of anyone who does it and tries to explain to me the rationale or motivation,etc

 

i really want to understand because i'm so fucking frustrated with it happening and when i push back the response isn't...it's a pattern with some people and i'm sitting here thinking...henceforth when someone does it and persists in doing it after i voice opposition or refuses to acknowledge how fucked up it is...they're done.

 

but then i think...is this something people do that they can't help doing? is this something to be willing to work on? i don't even know but i feel like if i understood how that works for someone who does it...then i could at least not be so fucking offended and maybe even have some compassion for what struggle might produce that in a person.

 

 

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I think they are probably trying to relate to you and "show" you that they understand how you feel.  You're right about a much better way of doing this would be to *ask* you how you feel, but some people are uncomfortable doing that.  Maybe you could say, "I appreciate that you are trying to understand my feelings, but here's how I really feel".  You could also say, "my feelings are pretty complicated, let me explain."

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I hate that, or when they talk about you like you aren't in the room.  She has been doing this or not this "hello, I'm right here."

 

With my family it's a boundaries issue I think.  They are so used to telling me what "my problem" is that it's easy to jump to thinking they know what I feel, think etc.

 

As far as why, I don't know.  

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For me, it depends on how it is presented, I suppose? When someone does that to me. A t-doc who understands a bit more how people's minds work than someone else I have more respect for and may give actual THOUGHT to the suggestion. But also, with a t-doc, it has NEVER been like a statement set in stone whatsoever. It's usually like "Do you think you feel that way because of (insert something vague or specific" or like "Is it possible that there's a connection between your thought process on Y with your experience with X?" you know, that kind of thing. It's easier not to be offended and actually give it some thought if it is NOT presented as a statement, but a question.

 

And t-docs are generally good at doing that. But even that, in my experience, is not as common as a vague "Why do you think that is?" 

 

I think that last part is important because I really have to ask myself that about most any negative reaction I have before I react to anything at all. Not that I always DO this, but I try. And if I think I've figured it out well enough, that thought process will dictate a reaction or non-reaction to certain shit.

 

Now, if this were a person in my every day LIFE posing these questions to me. . . think it depends on the mood I'm in. Because I think that people with experience and a certain amount of grace who have earned my respect through previous actions and KNOW me, it makes more sense than some random person throwing stupid shit in my face like that.

 

I don't like it when people think they know everything about me. Experience or not in figuring shit out for yourself, it's not the same for everyone. At all.

 

But I take feedback as feedback. 

 

As a matter of fact, no matter WHERE it comes from, I actually find that the times I get the most angry are when it's actually the TRUTH and it's not pretty. 

 

But being a know it all is annoying in any form.

 

You're right. You should be the one dictating your thoughts and actions and if this is someone that is really bugging you, or even a group of people or whatever, tell them to knock it off. 

 

It just shows very little respect to people as INDIVIDUALS. In any case.

Have I done this to someone? Yeah, guilty. I have. One friend who I know well, I have done that to. I almost did it to someone I don't know very well the other day, but I stopped. Also, only to that one friend if he seems to be struggling and ASKING for a theory. Usually I get thanked from that individual. If not, I've usually given something to put consideration to.

 

For me, the manner of presentation kinda says it all. 

 

Feedback is feedback. Either way for me and I'm taking the negative feedback well but not the positive. Ha. Still, I just want to learn.

 

No one is a fucking bible on this matter at all. Not me, not a t-doc, no one. 

 

I will probably stop doing that altogether now, after reading this. Unless I'm basically begged for advice and that happens too sometimes, unfortunately. Because if I have something I might feel is helpful and someone asks, it's hard to say "Well, MAYBE this will help but it's not my place." And I do pose the questions instead of stating everything like it's a fact. For the most part and I could be wrong on that, but I think so.

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Someone did this to me today (said "you're really thinking x, so you should do y"), and I immediately thought of your post,  I think that perhaps it is possible that it might on occasion be done with good intentions, but I find it very hard not to read it as condescending and controlling.  It puts a knot of anger in my stomach.

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thank you all for your kind replies and i hope to reply more individually to them when i can

 

i should say that i'm not going to drop my friend or hate the person from group or my case worker

 

it just all got to me yesterday and i think i've just felt like such a vanilla dialtonei just want to squelch inside since some amount of time

and i am trying so hard to be present in the whole consensus reality thing

and i admit it's really fucking horribly adrift feeling to have radio silence

but i'm struggling so much to stay grounded and connect and to the world with others and things in this framework that is so foreign feeling to me inside

and then o it's like when i get assigned a me

it's like what's the point?

what does it mean to "connect" if what's being known or connected to is being dictated to you concurrently?

 

it's not real

how am i supposed to go along with consensus reality and then i don't even get to be the narrator of my internal state or most accurate reporter of thoughts?

it does feel like i'm just beating my head against a brick wall sometimes and i am trying to see who is the good for? where is the truth and actual connection in 

i don't know why it's so crucial participate in this exercise that is basically just making other people, maybe, presumably...it wasn't my idea for sure, feel connected to a me that really

i'm sure i learn to do the dance at some point, i hope so, but it's kinda like...i feel like it's not real and that jstu makes me feel worse for trying so hard for so long 

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  • 2 months later...

I missed this thread when it was posted ... I just wanted to chime in and say I hate when people assume what I am thinking, and then actually say that I am thinking it.

 

Sometimes I have a hard time confronting things like this so I end up giving them the WTF look or something similar, and just subtly roll my eyes and shake my head.

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yes, i can see it being a default of sorts...well intentioned poorly executed, etc

 

i don't tend to do it to others unsolicited

 

that's the key for me: whether it's solicited

 

i'm surely a hypocrite as are all persons really in some fashion prolly

 

but not in this way

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I missed this thread when it was posted ... I just wanted to chime in and say I hate when people assume what I am thinking, and then actually say that I am thinking it.

 

Sometimes I have a hard time confronting things like this so I end up giving them the WTF look or something similar, and just subtly roll my eyes and shake my head.

 

that's as good a response as any really x

they don't take the care to know you or actually ask you

might as well get it over with as quickly as possible 

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