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Not again.. (triggers)


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I can't find work. My wife got hurt at her job. We have court dates for several debts we can't pay at the moment. Car died this morning. I'm sitting at the dealership ready to lose it.

I've been searching for something with which to hurt myself. I can't find enduring sharp our hot enough to burn myself. I can't fight this one. Think I've already given up.

I feel so utterly fucking useless. Such a fucking failure.

My psychiatrist just moved too. So I've been going through a lifetime of shit all over. Looking back over the years has made me feel more fucked up.

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Can you take it even just one minute at a time? Sometimes getting from minute to minute is all you can do. 

 

I'm so sorry things are rough all around for you right now, that's incredibly hard. I am so, so sorry. 

 

Hurting yourself won't make all of this better though. I'm sure you know that. You are not a failure or useless. Life happens, cars die, debts pile up, it's all crappy but it happens and we're only human. We make mistakes, we fall on hard times. 

 

But you can get through this without hurting yourself. Can you talk to your wife for support? Do you have a therapist at the moment? Can you call a crisis line? As well, we are available in chat here at CB if you like. But I would really recommend calling a crisis line if you can. They can possibly hook you up with local mental health resources. As well, they may be able to point you to resources to deal with your other issues you're going through. 

 

Again, I'm so sorry things are hard. But we're here to support you. 

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here's something I wrote on vampire freaks about how to make a list of coping skills, I can't post the link, so i'm copy pasting the whole post here:

Identifying coping skills that work for you can be hard for some people, so here are some tips

There are two types of coping skills: mental and sensory. Mental coping skills get your mind off the feeling. Examples would be reading, watching tv, listening to music, or meditating.
sensory coping skills engage your body to prevent you from using negative coping skills such as cutting or purging. Examples would be exercise, breathing, cleaning something, or playing with dogs.
there is also "dealing with it" coping skills, which don't distract you from the feeling, but allow you to vent about it. Examples are writing about it, talking to a friend about the problem, or drawing the feeling.
remember, there is always an alternative to self harm. It doesn't have to be your first resort.

identify the feeling that makes you self harm.
is it anger? Rejection? Hurt? Depression? Anxiety?
all of the above? Make as many lists as you need.
identify coping skills, both mental and physical, that will make you either not want to self harm, or lessen the urge. They have to be specific to YOU. Don't just write down breathing because your therapist recommended it. It doesn't work for everybody! And that's okay! Maybe breathing might not work, but some weird thing might. When I was 14 one of mine was to lay in bed and scratch at my sheets instead of scratching myself. It really worked.
what makes you happy?
what makes you laugh?
if butts make you laugh, then write down "google pictures of funny looking butts" if it will help you not self harm.
basically what I'm trying to say is make it individual. You don't want a list of coping skills if they don't work right????

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My way of coping with self harm is probably listening to music or watching tv or reading, but mostly reading. If I can find a book about some one who's life is even shittier than mine, I realize that the worst has yet to happen and that I haven't hit the bottom yet. And if I really try, I an stay away from it. I'd cut when I felt misunderstood and pointless and hopeless, and I'd often get suicidal. So I was basically cutting every day. But I narrowed it down to about once every two or three weeks and it's slowly getting better...

You just have to find zen mode, or happy place, or whatever you want to call it. Something that No matter what can make you feel great. For me it's definitely music, rock/punk to be exact. The lyrics of the songs, the really sad or angry ones, kinda re assure me that I'm not alone, at least not yet. There's always someone out there who understands, ya know? I recommend music for sure. And definitely the the book thing, and Edgar Allen Poe writes ALOT of stuff where everything goes wrong, so maybe if you read his stuff you'll see that there is still hope, ya know? That you haven't lost it all yet.

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