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Feeling NOSTALGIC for the worst times in your life


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So I am finding this odd. I notice myself becoming very drawn and attracted to all things that put me in the same head space as I was during the years of my trauma. Its somewhat masochistic, I listen to songs and look through pictures pulled from that time period and I feel this mix of pain, sadness, longing, fear, and calm and I just sit in that feeling. I don't try to remember the abuse itself (my memory is spotty anyway), just what surrounded it.

objects I used to avoid because they caused flashbacks or dissociation, I go out of my way to buy now, I buy toys and scents and movies because when I'm around them it puts me in a different state of mind and for some reason I really long for that. Its harmful, I tend to spiral into depression and begin having nightmares again, but in the moment that feeling, that nostalgia, makes me feel better. I feel really wounded by my upbringing but I would rather live in the past forever than face the future even though the past was bad. Remembering the past is the only time ifeel anything anymore and even though its not a pleasant process, I keep seeking it. That nostalgia.

Im wondering is anyone else like this?

Usually unpleasant memories are avoided, but I seem to go through periods of seeking it because the feeling of going back there feels right or something.

I have become obsessed with reliving things. I was this way even as a child, stared obsessively at old photos, immersed myself in the past because I could never get it out of my head. I try to think its a way to get closure but I worry it just allows me to regress. there was a fleeing wtf am I doing moment when I realized my purse is filled with kid toys and crayons and plastic jewelry. It doesnt make me happy, it doesnt provide comfirt as much as it provides a feeling of evetything in its right place. its like I get a high off of triggering myself. Made me wonder if anyone else out there lives in the past.

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I do this. I self-trigger very frequently because it feels good, paradoxically. It's familiar and it's comforting. And I'm in control of the pain (somewhat) which is itself comforting. I have more to say about this but I can't remember it right now. I have a thread kicking around the PTSD board about it. I can go looking for it later if you want.

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I would like to see that thread...thank you for responding. Its a safe kind of feeling, controlled, but eventually intrusions happen and that sense of control gets lost. Kinda funny how it can feel "good" for a while though.... Ive even thought that I would be happy to relive my while childhood again just because of that feeling I get. Secure but not safe. Don't even know the words for it!

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... I listen to songs and look through pictures pulled from that time period and I feel this mix of pain, sadness, longing, fear, and calm and I just sit in that feeling. I don't try to remember the abuse itself (my memory is spotty anyway), just what surrounded it.

 

 

I used to do exactly this.

 

What I (personally) have always attributed it to was depression (or rather flat affect), to where I would engulf myself in those emotions so I could feel something -anything- other than dissociation or blunted.

 

Even though it wasn't helpful to my recovery, it felt familiar & comfortable because I have been there so many times before. Going through recovery where you dig up a lot of feelings & thoughts, as well as unfamiliar emotions & health, it is nice to go back to something you know.

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