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Lack of empathy, feeling empty and not being able to think


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I don't know what my official diagnosis/es are, because I've been to so many psychiatrists, psychologists, and admitted 3 times to the psych ward, and I always get a different diagnosis every time. Bipolar 2, Bipolar NOS, OCD, adhd, aspergers, etc. but my gut feeling is that I have aspergers. From when I was a toddler to when I was like 8 I had a big imagination, like I could get by without any toys or anything, because I never liked them. I used to just sit alone and think. I never had many friends, and that didn't bug me. I was in my own world, but I still was able to function, but I was extremely socially awkward. I did ok in school, but as I got older it got harder and harder to focus, and when I was 10 I hit puberty, precocious puberty is a symptom of aspergers. By the time I was 12 I just changed... almost instantly. My voice went from an annoying 12 year old prepubescent voice to a monotone deep voice. I just, lost all enthusiasm in everything, and people could tell I was changing just by my voice. My social anxiety lessened, and my maturity just skyrocketed. I'm not being an egomaniac, but when I talked to teachers or parents they were stunned. They always told me how I look, sound, and act like an adult. Except something was missing. I had no empathy towards anyone, even though thats a common aspergers trait that I already had, but I mean, I just felt like I had no soul. At 13 I got into drugs, first xanax, which was like a lifesaver, it made me feel at peace, like everything in the world was just calm, I didn't even know what true emotions felt like until I started self medicating with adderall. That just changed me again, but in a positive way. It didn't make me high, it just made me able to connect with other people, and it made me interested in life, and motivated. For the first time I felt what it was like to be normal.. I know there is no such thing as normal but I mean, I felt like everyone else felt. I wasn't disconnected anymore. I kept self medicating with both drugs when I was 13, but right around when I turned 14 my parents found out, and the loss of emotions completely sent me into a pit. I don't even know what depression feels like, if its being sad, or just not being happy. Well I just felt dead. I started to abuse DXM (a dissociative drug) because I needed something to help me. That just sent me down a terrible path. Eventually I recovered from the constant dissociation, and began to use benzodiazepines and stimulants occasionally. At this point I still was unmotivated, strung out and frustrated, and still monotone voiced. I also felt empty, like I was in purgatory. It's like looking at myself do things automatically, but this only happened sometimes. I think thats what depersonalization is. At 15 or 16 I became addicted to benzedrex, an over the counter stimulant that is almost identical to meth. That gave me a little bit of clarity, but it also made me hallucinate, which got me interested in using drugs recreationally. I'm still addicted to that benzedrex stuff, even after a few years. I tried an intensive outpatient rehab place, didn't work because I felt no empathy, plus I didn't even want to change. eventually I quit going. I had a 4 day benzedrex binge and I am so psychotic and dissociated, even though my last dose was yesterday. And even seroquel won't help the psychosis, xanax won't help the anxiety/emptiness, I tried everything. All my meds, they won't work. I'm at such a loss right now.

 

 

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Hi Denominator,

 

I'm having a hard time reading your post.  Could you break it up into paragraphs so it's a bit easier for folks to read?  When posts are easier to read, they're more likely to get good responses.

 

Thanks,

chem 

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Hi Denominator,

 

I'm having a hard time reading your post.  Could you break it up into paragraphs so it's a bit easier for folks to read?  When posts are easier to read, they're more likely to get good responses.

 

Thanks,

chem 

yeah I made that post while I was still high.. 

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 I had a 4 day benzedrex binge and I am so psychotic and dissociated, even though my last dose was yesterday. And even seroquel won't help the psychosis, xanax won't help the anxiety/emptiness, I tried everything. All my meds, they won't work. I'm at such a loss right now.

 

 

Okay, the wall of text made my eyes cross, but I think I'm right in saying that this last bit is really the main point of your post?  I would say that your meds likely aren't working because they weren't prescribed to help you come down from recreational drug use*.  Your signature also says you're "perplexed" by how many meds you're on.  I reckon the bottomline is, does your pdoc know you're still using?  Have you considered that s/he might in ignorance be prescribing meds to counteract symptoms that are actually either caused by or being exacerbated by your drug use?  If you really want help to get out of this mess, you need to start being brutally honest with your care providers.

 

* actually, since they're not in your signature, have you even been prescribed the seroquel and the xanax, or are you getting them illegally and adding them to the cocktail your pdoc gave you?

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