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I'm a 23 year old gay male.

 

I had a mental episode in 2012 where I thought that the Holy Spirit was leading me on an adventure and that I would eventually be given about $30,000. And I was supposed to do that sort of thing long-term, distributing money among Christians. Among other things, I planted dollar bills in paper towel dispensers. I don't feel like putting the whole story here.

 

In the inpatient mental ward, I had a psychiatrist who was very grouchy. And the staff didn't make much effort to explain to me that I was in a mental hospital. I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. I was given Abilify and I was allergic to it. So I was given Cogentin to counteract the allergy. I took both and endured akathesia in order to leave the hospital. I basically tried to pretend the meds were ok in order to get out. When it was time for me to check out, I politely asked my psychiatrist if he needed any more signatures or anything else from me, and he threatened to keep me longer unless I left him alone.

 

I ended up in the care of my meddlesome, annoying, controlling, and somewhat verbally abusive mother. She and I were both certain that I didn't have mental illness, and that Satan was responsible for my breakdown. I had severe akathesia so I stopped taking the Abilify.

 

I saw a different psychiatrist who was Christian. He also tries to make people straight and blames the patient for the therapy not working. Anthony Duk in Redlands CA, google his name and you should get a juicy article.

At the time I started seeing him, I didn't know I was gay, and I was still Christian.

 

He gave me geodon, which worked well for several weeks, but then I felt like biting metal doors and I came close to jumping from bridges. My emotions were reversed somewhat. Good things caused pain, bad things felt good in a sick way. Very evil thoughts also.

 

The psychiatrist gave me the option of no medication (I wasn't open with him about the suicidal thoughts), so I stopped all meds. Suicidal and evil thoughts stopped, and my emotions went back to normal for the most part.

 

So far I haven't had another severe psychosis like the first one.

 

Now, I've come out to myself about being gay, and I've come out to other people also.

I also became an ex-Christian.

The above two are very stressful.

 

I left my parents' house because I couldn't stand my mother anymore. And she was a hoarder.

I've been staying with friends, but I'm poor, can't make rent right now, and need to sleep a lot. If I get up early in the morning, my mental and physical well-being is usually shit. I need to sleep about 10 hours pretty often, and sleep past 10 AM. I think my family could help me financially, but since I left it's like "fuck you, you're on your own; we'll only help you if you stay here and let us manage the fuck out of you." I tried to talk to my mother, but she was unreasonable. She also picked up one of my prescriptions and wouldn't let me have it all. She is so annoying, I hate all of the annoying stuff she has done to me.

 

I feel so overwhelmed. I barely have welfare money for food, and I just charged a bus pass on my credit card. I hope to find some kind of work so I can stay somewhere. But now I keep having severe anxiety and mood downswings. I don't know whether to stick it out, or go to a clinic. But bad medication could make things a lot worse. I'm afraid of meds, and I'm afraid of psychiatrists. And I gave my mother medical power of attorney. If I end up in an inpatient facility, I might have to deal with her again. And my mother will probably be there praying for me and talking about Satan. I can't stand her!!!

And she might try to keep my gay friends away, the guys who actually seem to give a shit about me.

 

My mother was so controlling, and we were so enmeshed and she was in my hair all the time. I didn't realize how bad off I was, financially and mentally.

I also have a muscle disorder, so physically strenuous work is extremely difficult to impossible.

My work record looks bad on paper. I'm smart, but my physical and mental endurance have led to poor work and school performance. I can learn well on the internet on my own time, but did miserably in college. I have sometimes exhibited symptoms of ADHD and OCD.

 

I wanted away from my mother so bad that I just left. I almost ended up on the street a few times, but friends have been helping me out, so I've had lodging for the past month or so.

 

The second psychiatrist gave me a working diagnosis of Bipolar, but I stopped seeing him when I found out he was anti-gay.

 

Can I find mental health housing? Not a psych ward, but a private room or studio apartment that doesn't cost much?

I want to find a good doctor and a safe place to stay away from my troublesome family so that I can perhaps try medication again.

 

My mood goes up and down. I don't hear voices, but music plays in my head. It is music I've listened to in the real world, but it gets so annoying. Like 5 seconds of a song plays back, loudly. Very high quality too, all the aspects and instruments are there, but it's only 5 seconds of the song, over and over and over. Shut up I'm trying to think here!!! Will somebody please unplug the stereo system that is hiding somewhere in my head? The stop and power buttons must be broken.

I am, of course, speaking in metaphor here.

 

When I'm calm, I can listen to entire songs. I don't need an mp3 player because I have my brain. But when it malfunctions, it tortures me!

 

This is pretty rambling and disorganized. I'm going to stop for now. I might write more when I'm in a clearer state of mind.

 

Maybe somebody who reads this can offer some understanding, sympathy, or advice?

 

 

 

 

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Hi, welcome to CB. There is nothing wrong, or to be ashamed of, for being gay. At all. You've had some jackass doctors, and that sucks. It was wrong of them to try to "turn you" straight. Also, a doctor shouldn't threaten. If you have a reaction to a medication, there are a lot of others to try!

 

I've heard of 211: You can call, or go to the website (based on where you live, state by state) and look up mental health services. They can help you find lodging and doctors that accept what you have. 

 

You shouldn't be afraid of psychiatrists. A mental health service in your area (which you can find through 211, word of mouth and more), they can offer counselling and advice, can hook you up with one that can suit you, they are there to help you. So are proper medications. There is also sliding scale, or free therapy and counselling and there are probably local events for LGBT young adults - not for 'hooking up' and stuff, but you'll find people like you. It's not easy coming out, I was 28 when I came out to my mom as being bisexual. Friends were more understanding. 

 

Best of luck! There are quite a few LGBT and other :) on CB, including some of the mods, so don't be afraid to ask.

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I'm not much help, I don't have any experience with your MI and I'm from another country. I do have some thoughts though. 

Firstly, accept who you are. There is nothing wrong with it. I know you had an upbringing that made you feel that way and it makes me incredibly sad that in this day young people are still being told that being gay is somehow "wrong". People with that attitude are the one's who are wrong. 

Secondly, don't be afraid of meds. Yes, some of them have awful side effects but any good doctor or psychiatrist will work very closely with someone who has had a bad reaction to them in the past and adjust them or change them as needed. In a lot of cases, finding the right one can make such a difference to a person's life. 

 

Third, is there some way to remove the power of attorney you gave your mother? Some channel in which you can explain why it's a bad idea for her to have the decision making over your health and maybe nominate someone else or just have her removed? 

Most times there are services out there for people with MI or physical disabilities that help them find work that suits them for as many hours as they can handle. Your GP might have an idea of some of the helpful services in your area (if you were in Australia I'd be able to point you in a few better directions). 

Welcome to CB and good luck with getting it all sorted. You're dealing with a lot right now.

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My anxiety and the noise in my head has been bad the past few days.

 

I've had nonsense sentences going through my head as well as plain gibberish, and I often start talking gibberish. I normally do that sort of thing now and  then for fun, but now I'm having trouble controlling it. And my emotions have been random. I've laughed all of a sudden, and then right away I'm sad all of a sudden. My mind is going haywire.

 

I have a psychiatry appointment on the 7th of January. I might need meds before then. I might need meds next week.

 

Is it better to go to a clinic to get meds, or is it better to go to an inpatient psychiatric hospital and voluntarily commit myself?

 

And I don't know what my mother would do. She didn't want to consider the possibility that I was mentally ill. She is religious, manipulative, controlling, and she can be verbally abusive. She still has medical power of attorney. I might end up being out of it for awhile, and I don't want my mother interfering with my treatment, but I'm not sure I should end up with no personal advocate either.

 

I think I'll just rest a lot over the weekend and enjoy the holiday weekend here. I have a dinner tomorrow that I want to go to, and a party on Saturday.

After that I'll see how I'm doing. But I think I should get some kind of help soon.

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I think if you're feeling the way you are and you know you need some help that it's probably a good idea to get it and sooner rather than later. I can't answer you if a clinic is suitable over a hospital, I haven't dealt with schizophrenia before, perhaps try a clinic first and see what they think you should do seeing as it doesn't involve a hospital stay and you still have the power to make your own decisions. If they think you need a stay then go for that option.

Also if you don't feel like you can advocate for yourself do you have another family member or close friend you can ask rather than your mother who would be happy to look after your best interests?

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No, unfortunately I don't have anyone to appoint at the moment. I asked two of my friends, but I haven't known them very long. They didn't give me a definite answer yet, but it seems they aren't comfortable with the idea.

 

However, if I get treatment without my mother finding out, she won't know that there's any business she can stick her nose into.

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