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Constantly Suicidal...v


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I just told a friend that I was having suicidal thoughts and wanted to hurt myself. They said ok, :(. It's like I've said it so many times its lost its meaning to them but not to me. Does anyone else experience this reaction? It's like cause you have BPD it's all of a sudden an expected comment or feeling. Idk. Now, the sick part of me wants to do it to make them feel bad. How fucked up am I.

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I don't have a personality disorder, but I get suicidal a lot, several times a month easy. Don't do anything stupid just to try to prove your feelings to them. If people are no longer taking your feelings seriously, talk to us, post here or go into chat. Talk to your tdoc of pdoc. Call a hotline. There are people out there who will take you seriously and those who understand where you're coming from.

I'm sorry you aren't getting what you need from your friends. Keep in mind that they may just not know what to say or do to help you.

Edited by exl2398
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Note: I am not Borderline, so hold the below with a grain of salt.

 

I don't think it is because you have a diagnosis of BPD, but more likely that it is because you do express your suicidal thoughts & feelings frequently. And when you express a very emotional & serious matter frequently (any matter from suicidal thoughts, to anxiety, to depression) it holds less merit to people who do not understand your situation.

 

Are you seeing a therapist who can help you handle those specific thoughts, as well as the reactions you get from people? Getting to the source of the thoughts, feelings, and reactions with intimacy & relationships is important in BPD. DBT is a common type of therapy for personality disorders, as well as helpful to other disorders that might be worth looking in to.

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That's like the last time I told my now ex husband that i was feeling suicidal he said what's new? And then he told that I only say that to get attention.

I think it's because he was just so tired of trying to be helpful. People just don't know what it's like until they experience it for themselves. I care that you feel this way. All of us here are here for you if you need to talk.

Feel better mmkay? Lol

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was talking to friend about this the other day, she said if people (eg. me, her family, etc) say it too often she just shuts down and says "fine, go ahead, have fun". She says she just gets so tired of telling us that we shouldn't talk that way and that life's still worth living, we should go back to doc, etc etc. that it's kind of her coping mechanism to just give in.

I appreciate having her as a friend and being able to talk to someone about this so I try to not let it get too much and try to change the subject sometimes or at least save her the suicide talk. Yes, they don't know what it's like but then again, there is always somebody worse off so I try to remind myself that it's not easy for her either having friends & family wanting to die.. So, I bite my tongue and try to focus on her problems for a change..  after all, she is my friend and not my therapist.. 

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What frustrates me is that if I knew a different way I'd do it. I feel like I'm held prisoner by my mind. It's brilliant, creative, but destructive. Everyone sees all this potential and all I see is nothing.

I know it's frustrating to be around me and so I feel like a burden. So I hide away and the thoughts get worse. I wish I could kill the part of me that is BPD and be left normal. I just want to be normal, like all those people I see so happy out in the world or excited to start families. I feel so empty and I'm worried that feeling will never go away.

The thoughts are like tormentors, eating away at whatever sanity I feel I have left. I'm so tired of being fucked up. I have days, weeks, even months of normalcy only brought done again by self-sabotage or my fucking head saying, "oh wait..,you've been happy way too long now so let's fuck it up." Again and again.

I know I'm frustrating but I'd give anything to be normal. Average. A wallflower. Instead, I am me. A chaotic mess with nothing.

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Are you able to articulate what it is that you want when you tell people that you are suicidal?

 

Sometimes I legitimately DO want people to know that I am suicidal - but sometimes I want other things, like comfort, or attention, or help doing something, or just for people to know I am feeling crummy.  So sometimes it's possible to bypass telling people you feel suicidal (which, let's face it, a lot of people don't "get") and asking for something you need that will make you feel supported.

 

Having BPD really sucks - I get it.  And it's hard to get people to engage with that sometimes.  But with time and treatment, you can learn to ask for what you need in a way that is more likely to help you get it.  It's not a lost cause - it's just really awful right now.

 

Also sometimes it helps to ask people if this is a good time to talk about your issue - sometimes people don't have the emotional energy and if you pick the right time, you are more likely to get something useful back.

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I am the same way.  In a situation where someone without an MI would think "wow, I am overwhelmed" or "wow this is stressful," my brain's way of communicating that same feeling is "I want to die, let's take an entire bottle of Tylenol".  I am sort of in a constant process of trying to de-crypt "I need to die right now" into some kind of communication/message that I can actually act on in a useful way.

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I think that generally, people don't get that there are a lot of different levesl of suicidal.

 

There is 'I am suicidal:

 

  • I have intent and a method and this is a fuck you because I am angry with you.
  • I have intent and a method but want to be stopped
  • I have no intent but I feel like I might lose control and do it.
  • I keep having intrusive thoughts about it.
  • I find thinking about suicide makes me feel like I have options because nothing else is working.
  • I feel overwhelmed.
  • I want to know that someone would miss me.
  • I worry that if I just say I am sad/lonely/engulfed with irrational pain that you will dismiss it, if I say suicidal you my help.
  • I am dealing with a professional/needing IP and I need to stress how unbearable this is.
  • I want to sop experiencing this pain but have no desire to not be alive anymore.
  • I am in the middle of a crisis and cannot think or communicate, I said it on impulse.
  • You asked me to tell you when I felt suicidal so this is me being honest.

The list goes on. Even people who love you or have known you have MI may not know from the statement 'I feel suicidal' what it is you are saying. Sometimres if someone has supported you and perceives that you are behaving in self destructive ways (no matter you having good reasons/no other skills) they greet the statement as a criticism of their support and become angry. Some people feel so scared by it they cal your bluff and deflect that hurt back onto you. Some people do get weary of it when no solution is in sight and they are tired from caring duties. Even generally loving people have bad moments.

Edited by Titania
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Tryp and Titania,

You guys put this so into perspective for me. I am going to start figuring out why I am suicidal so frequently. It's not because I have a plan it's just a comforting thought when in crisis which feels like all the time. But I say it because I need attention of someone to help or it may become more severe.

Most of the time, it's because I am so overwhelmed with feelings I don't know how to handle or manage. I just called a friend and instead of saying I'm going to kill myself, I said I need someone to help and listen. And we made a list and I went through what was bothering me and felt better. She was also really receptive.

I think I'd be good to work more on my coping skills when overwhelmed. I think it would really help.

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