Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Transfence focused therapy... retraumatized me...& made me realize everyone hates me


Recommended Posts

I just had my last session of therapy last week.My therapist dropped the bomb on me that he was taking a position at another location.He only gave me 3 weeks notice that he was leaving.

This was my first experience with therapy & I thought it was helping me, for the most part...and I can't say I regret it but I think therapy, in the wrong hands can do a lot of harm.I always questioned the process...and my therapist. First of all-He just graduated from school & I always suspected that he didn't have much experience but...I THOUGHT we had a good alliance so, I put my everything into the process & tried my best, to trust that it was for the best.

I came in after a devasting breakup where I lost my mind & was afraid of what I would do next.I came to therapy weekly & I learned that I have BPD.I know that the mental health facility didn't know that, when I first came in but after discovering that-you would think my termination would have been more carefully & sensitively handled.Nope-I'm being abandoned all over again.

Not only did my T treat me coldly, the whole time, he was very inappropriate at our last session.Just the week before our session, he said "so...do you even wanna come next week, or should this be our last session?" I was like "Uh...well I would like to atleast say goodbye to you next week, if that's ok?"(I had already bought him a gift that I really wanted to give him) So he said yes & I came for our last session this week

It was strange! I thought it would have been different & positive or atleast some kind of reassurance of something-I don't know-some kind of a hey-you did a good job.You are gonna be ok.You can have this referral. ..something..Nope let me tell you how it went....

He sat in silence while I told him I was being abandoned & I felt like I could never trust therapy again because I knew it was all a job & he didn't really care about me.I told him he should have fought to keep me as his client at the new facility that he will be working at.He said"I didn't know you wanted to continue therapy? I said well I did with you! I thought you said we had more work to do just a few weeks ago...and now you didn't know I wanted to continue? I don't wanna start all over because I don't even know where to start anymore.He said"yeah-i could see that being difficult.When you dont even know what to ask for help with from a therapist...and to have to start all over.Maybe you should just take a break & then you could either come back here to see someone else (with a 3-6 week wait) or you could try to find a therapist in a private practice."

Now that I'm over my breakup, I've gone from codependant to practically antisocial so I'm not even sure if that's a good thing but I thought I could trust him but he turned out to be just like my ex (who is also a therapist) so I have no faith that therapists care about their patients.

About 30 minutes into our session, I said"I'm a little afraid of being rejected since you're so careful about boundaries but I figured the rules have changed since you're leaving & so I have a gift for you & I hope you'll accept it"He almost jumped out of his seat to accept it & said thank you.He was so quick to accept my gift instead of try to find a way for us to continue with therapy.Then he said"is it ok if I open it at home?" I was happy at that moment cause I was afraid he would think it wae too expensive or inappropriate (it was a personalized coffee mug, expensive chocolate &a watch that said boundaries...boundaries...on it-with my phone number & email adress on my business card.I also gave him a card with a long paragraph about how much I appreciate him & the last year we experienced together)

Now that a few days have passed & it's sunken in that this is done.I can't even beieve how everything was handled.He should have had to keep record of my gift..anything written should be kept track of & he just took my gift & didn't even open it in my face.He might have thrown it away for all I know.Get this-he asked me if there was a pound of weed in the present.I said-"damn-if I would've known that you were not going to open it, I would have put some in there.I just didn't want to get you in trouble"

He had the nerve to want weed me

I had erotic transference toward him from the beginning & I was honest about everything with him.I sat in shame & exposed every single secret about myself to him.Only to make him feel uncomfortable, over whelmed & for him to abandon me just like everyone else does.Yes-I flirted with him sometimes, I dreamt about him, I thought about him.I told him all of this thinking it would help the process.

Turns out-either I was too much for him to handle, or he truly doesn't care about me...or everyone who gets to know the real me, eventually hates me.He explained to me how TFT just shows how I relate to the outside world & in the end, therapy the place that was supposed to be a safe place-left me to fend for myself just because I put on an amazing facade that all is perfect. ..I'm just as damaged as a lot of others, you just have to know me to learn about it.

Well I've been babbling on for a long time but in the last session I told him once again that he was very cold towards me & that I wish he could be a little more warm.I told him that my friend, who I tell everything to, said it does seem strange-the way my therapist avts.She said it's almost like he is mad at me, for the feelings I bring out in him.I told him that & you know what he said?...

He said"well I did get the feeling that you & I had some kind of competition here.Like you wanted athings to go your way.You wanted a friendship or sexual intimacy from me-when that's not the reason you are here.You came here for therapy"

Wow!! Hello!? Isn't that typical behavior from someone who just wants acceptance & love? He seemed mad at me & made it seem like I was bad or manipulative.I thought I was doing so good.I thought maybe...just maybe people do care about others.

I learned a lot in therapy but I'm not sure I can ever trust again.Maybe I'll try a BPD specialist some time in the future but for now-I feel like therapy is just like prostitution.You pay for someone to pretend they care but in reality-the therapist is probably just as screwed up as me.And...now my eyes are even more opened up to the disfunction in my family & I learned that no one likes me & I make people uncomfortable.Is therapy worth it? I say it's a give & take , good & bad experience.I have no real regrets but then again-I get over being treated like crap pretty easily.In fact-it just makes me want more.

Edited by BlurredBoundaries
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would imagine it would be a difficult position for a therapist to be in, to have a patient with erotic transference towards them.  It sounds like he is still trying to maintain professional boundaries.  

 

I do wish he would have given you a longer notice... that seems very sudden.  

 

I wonder what kind of therapeutic experience you would have with a BPD specialist, or with someone you didn't have erotic transference with?  

 

I am glad to hear you are over your break up, though... that sounds like progress at least.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

I feel like therapy is just like prostitution.You pay for someone to pretend they care but in reality-the therapist is probably just as screwed up as me.

 

I used to feel exactly this way. However, you must understand what the therapeutic relationship is: a relationship that exists solely to teach you skills and to help you overcome your problems. Therapists are not family nor are they lovers. They aren't even friends. And it is irrelevant whether they care. The purpose is to get you well. Think of it as a doctor-patient relationship and maybe that will help you to put it into perspective.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

 

I feel like therapy is just like prostitution.You pay for someone to pretend they care but in reality-the therapist is probably just as screwed up as me.

 

I used to feel exactly this way. However, you must understand what the therapeutic relationship is: a relationship that exists solely to teach you skills and to help you overcome your problems. Therapists are not family nor are they lovers. They aren't even friends. And it is irrelevant whether they care. The purpose is to get you well. Think of it as a doctor-patient relationship and maybe that will help you to put it into perspective.

 

 

I just wanted to note, JT, that although I'm sure you meant well, telling someone in BlurredBoundaries' position to change their thinking in this matter is, IMHO, on par with telling a clinically depressed person to just "turn that frown upside-down" and cheer up.  And also, tryp's point about attachment and caring within the therapeutic relationship.  BlurredBoundaries is quite articulate in her post, I find, as well -- for anyone that would be a rather short way to end a therapeutic relationship, I think, or at least many of us.  But to do so with someone in Blurredboundaries' position seems that much more cruel to me.

 

BlurredBoundaries, I'm hoping that you will be able to find a good tdoc in the future, who won't abandon you like this, and who specializes in things like BPD.  You deserve good and proper care for your health.  I'm sorry to hear that this tdoc was so ready to let you go so... easily, it doesn't seem like he was very understanding of what you're going through.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just wanted to say I was sorry you felt that way BlurredBoundaries. I am not sure how it could have been avoided, but it is sad it ended on this painful note.

I hope you'll find another therapist, this one does not seem to have been the best "fit" for you, and it might be worth looking into therapists available to you to find something more appropriate to your needs: not every therapist is right for every patient.

 

I am sorry you experienced this "abandonment".

 

And I wanted to validate your feelings about this: a LOT of people feel that way about therapy, and it is part of therapy (*says the girl who is currently reading books about termination because she is so scared of it*), even if it is sad that in your case it ended "bad"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off so dismissive of the OP's feelings. I understand that this is difficult for her, and I'm sure it is painful, and the therapist did not give much time nor a satisfactory close to the therapeutic relationship. However, I still think that it is dangerous to think of relationships with therapists as anything more than doctor-patient.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...