Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

what was the last straw?


panda90
 Share

Recommended Posts

I'm sorry if this might be breaking the rules and if so delete this post but...

What was the last straw with you that got you to want to quit? You know besides "I realized it was bad for me"

What made you want to quit?

Edited for typos.

Edited by panda90
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think "I realized it was bad for me" can be a pretty powerful realization and impetus to quit. 

 

For me, the thing that really helped me quit was when I gave my tools to my boyfriend. Once the tools were gone, it was like cutting didn't have any power over me anymore. For me, it was very much an addictive kind of behaviour. Anyway, I also realized that I didn't really need it. Yes, I had painful moments when I really wished I could cut. And yes, I had many relapses along my path of recovery. But getting rid of my tools was a really powerful statement to me that always stuck with me.  

 

Is there anything that makes you want to quit, Panda? 

Edited by Parapluie
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have psoriasis that cycles in and out every few years. Most recent bout started about a month or two ago. When I would cut, every one of my wound sites would become inflamed after a few days. As much as I really, really want to (especially recently), I can't. I guess it's just enough motivation to hold me back for now. I guess it's a good thing in that respect.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have one. 

I keep circling around the idea and sometimes it's stronger than other times. But I'm really stubborn and kind of like the challenge of seeing how long I can avoid it for. In a way I'm using a negative coping skill (stubborn challenges for no good reason) to try to do something positive. Because my SI was primarily ritualistic in nature ultimately I'm going to have to figure out a way to replace that ritual. I cannot imagine growing it out of it or not needing it yet. So until then I rely on stubborn willpower, which is a sort of silly reason in a way.

That said, the same way that I fully intend on becoming a heroin addict when I'm a senior (the idea of quitting forever is still unfathomable to me more than a decade later), I will more than likely SI again. It's just a matter of time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Something clicked for me.

 

I value being kind and compassionate. I can't ever imagine harming someone else in the ways I have harmed myself.

 

I don't know what it was that made the switch.

 

But once that connection was solid, I was done.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know if that one would work for me cause there are people that i would love to hurt way worse that I do myself. But all of then have hurt me one way out another. But I would never hurt an animal. People, well, i think some of them deserve it. Maybe I should care more about people. I just don't.

I don't know. I see animals as innocent. People on the other hand, must of them are evil. None of you guys but most people.

Is that wrong of me?

Edited by panda90
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry if this might be breaking the rules and if so delete this post but...

What was the last straw with you that got you to want to quit? You know besides "I realized it was bad for me"

What made you want to quit?

Honestly, the shame I felt about my scars made the biggest impact on me quitting SI, and the realization that I would have them for the rest of my life and had basically "branded" myself and would have to explain myself to any future friend or partner. Maybe it's a vain reason, but that's what really did it.

 

I don't know if that one would work for me cause there are people that i would love to hurt way worse that I do myself. But all of then have hurt me one way out another. But I would never hurt an animal. People, well, i think some of them deserve it. Maybe I should care more about people. I just don't.

I don't know. I see animals as innocent. People on the other hand, must of them are evil. None of you guys but most people.

Is that wrong of me?

No, I don't believe most people are evil and deserve to be hurt.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Panda,

You're sound kinda like me, either people are evil or they're not. Somewhat black and white thinking maybe? I love animals too. :)

Maybe try to see the good in yourself. Based on posts I've read you're intellectual and insightful.

I find that even if its hard to see in some people, everyone has a redeeming quality. Even those who have hurt me must have some positive aspect. Or at least I like to think they do.

I try to stop SI but it happens. I've gone months without It. I think, for me, it's because I try to be normal. Like SI is socially taboo and if I stop, it's one more step towards normalization?

Wooster, I was really inspired by your post I read a long time ago. That you would never inflict this on someone else and that you deserve kindness and compassion. Really struck a chord with me. I appreciate all your help and inspiration through posts I've read about your recovery and insight.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So... we have to prove to you that we're not evil otherwise you think that we are?

No. That's not it... It's hard to explain... I don't know... If I don't know you then you are not evil but f you look at me wrong and never talk to me then you are. That's the best i can think to explain. But if you talk to me your good to you do something bad to me like... Make fun of me or something or i don't know... I really don't know how to explain this without sounding like I'm being judgmental. But yes it is a black and white thinking thing. One bad thing av you are bad in my mind and you have to prove otherwise too change my mind. In sorry if this isn't making sense...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So are you saying that you don't trust people until they show they are trustworthy?

Maybe you have difficulty reading other people's emotions? I know I see anger in people who are emotionally neutral. Or I over analyze what people say or do? Or make assumptions when things aren't clear to me. I started asking people around me what they were thinking to avoid over thinking their actions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The last time I hurt myself was because I was trying to communicate something to someone.  It made the whole situation worse.  And so I stopped.  And then after I had built up some momentum I felt motivated to keep going.  I am nearly at 11 months now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So are you saying that you don't trust people until they show they are trustworthy?

Maybe you have difficulty reading other people's emotions? I know I see anger in people who are emotionally neutral. Or I over analyze what people say or do? Or make assumptions when things aren't clear to me. I started asking people around me what they were thinking to avoid over thinking their actions.

Yes that it exactly!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The last time I hurt myself was because I was trying to communicate something to someone. It made the whole situation worse. And so I stopped. And then after I had built up some momentum I felt motivated to keep going. I am nearly at 11 months now.

That's awesome that you've been able to go so long! Congrats!

I once went a whole year in high school. My tdocs office was on campus and if I felt like I needed to talk I just went to the waiting room and wait till she was free. I spent a lot of time there and was in there everyday.

Edited by panda90
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been clean for 2 years and I still struggle. A lot. But the deal breaker for me was a severe burn and a trip to the ward where I had a very bad reaction to some meds and was sure I was going to die. After that I swore I would never go back there. But it's hard.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...