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Manic Depression is FRUSTRATING


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It seems like every time I get myself under control, I snap because of some minute detail that probably should mean nothing but is a big deal somehow. Like a couple weeks ago, I was fine, but then that same day I had a huge spiral downward. I felt so empty and alone. I felt pointless and just horrible. I started talking to myself and hearing voices in my head, and I curled up into a ball. Then I self harmed because I wanted to see my own blood. I didn't want to, I felt like I needed to. Then I finally started crying, which I haven't been able to do for the past six months. Here's my favorite part: after crying so hard and bleeding, I looked at my cuts, and started laughing. Like legit "laugh so hard you can't breath" laughing. I was laughing hysterically at my pain. Guess it's what I wanted though. So confusing. So FRUSTRATING!!!

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That's exactly how I felt before seeking pharmacotherapy and my dx. I would try some method of self-help...AND THEN I'D SNAP. I couldn't self-help, what was there left to do? I found a lot of relief in comedy. I too have, and still do, laugh at my situational grievances. When I started taking seroquel, it made me very sleepy. I took it an hour before I left work (it usually sedated in about 3-4 hours) and on the 20 minute ride home my motorcycle broke down. I walked it onto the sidewalk, tried to call my folks and my phone died. I began laughing hysterically at the situation I was put in. Just laughter at my situational pain. I'm no replacement for expert help, but I feel like your laughter is the same as mine. This "so this is what it comes to" type of laughter. For me it too is frustrating because it's a game of time. With time I know I will get better, but because of waiting, and still waiting, it's come to this situation. It effing sucks, but if it's anything like what I've been through it always gets better, and eventually it's worth it to suffer through. If you haven't already, get professional help, it eases the burden substantially.

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Do you know what your triggers are leading to the downward spiral?  For example do you feel lonely?  If so, try being in public.  What things typically happen to you before you find yourself going down?  If you can figure out what some of those things are, you can use self-soothing to help stave them off.  Drink some hot tea, watch tv, read.  I'm not saying its the answer to all your problems, but it does help to know what sets you off and head it off at the pass.

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Well see, I'm a minor (I will not specify my age) and my parents don't have the funds to get me to the doctor right now. They also kind of don't believe me about how I feel. I have a history of over reacting as a small child, and now they just think I'm over reacting again...it really hurts my feelings. Even my own sibling says she doesn't believe me. But If they all could see inside my head and knew about the self-harming and how lonely I really feel sometimes...I try to tell them but they kind of brush it of like "Oh she's over reacting again" but I'm not. My mom says I'm full of crap when it comes to those things. So when it comes to getting help, right now I really can't, which just really sucks...it really really sucks.

...

UUUGGGGHHH!!!

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It seems like every time I get myself under control, I snap because of some minute detail that probably should mean nothing but is a big deal somehow. Like a couple weeks ago, I was fine, but then that same day I had a huge spiral downward. I felt so empty and alone. I felt pointless and just horrible. I started talking to myself and hearing voices in my head, and I curled up into a ball. Then I self harmed because I wanted to see my own blood. I didn't want to, I felt like I needed to. Then I finally started crying, which I haven't been able to do for the past six months. Here's my favorite part: after crying so hard and bleeding, I looked at my cuts, and started laughing. Like legit "laugh so hard you can't breath" laughing. I was laughing hysterically at my pain. Guess it's what I wanted though. So confusing. So FRUSTRATING!!!

[[AGGRESSIVELY AGREES]] 

sounds like you had a mixed episode or something.

last time i had one i ended up in the hospital. like i do every time any little thing goes wrong because my family has no faith in me to function properly *IS DISAPPOINTED IN THEM*

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I just hate the way I feel, and I get myself under control, and then for no apparent reason I just lose it...I always knew there was something off about me when I was younger, but it keeps getting worse the more I try to control it. I'm definitely going to tell her about my episodes, and see if I can get some help, because at home there is no emotional support when it comes to this, I have no friends that I can talk to, and my sister doesn't believe me when I say how I feel, and would kill me if I told her about my self harming. So would my parents, because I had problems with it in the past.

But anyway...yeah I'll definitely bring that up with her.

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I just finished a course of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). It has really helped me with my overreactions to things and having thoughts that lead me into that downward spiral. It has allowed me to separate from those feelings and choose not to buy into them. One of the principles is that the more you struggle against negative thoughts and feelings, the tighter their grip on you grows. It sounds lame but it really works. I didn't have any luck with therapy in the past, but this has helped. I encourage you to look into what ACT groups or therapists using ACT are available in your area.

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