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Just another brick in the wall...

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I am... a head case.


You would currently recognize me as a 36 year old male.


I'm recently separated from a relationship/marriage of 19 years.  We have a five year old son together (who has his own behavioral issues, which compound my mental issues).  We "share" custody.  I take him every weekend while she gets to go out and play.


I'm diagnosed as "Major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe, without mention of psychoses; panic disorder," with potential Borderline thrown on top due to infrequent but distinct manic episodes.


I have dealt with suicidal ideation on a frequent basis since I was ten or younger, but now it's persistent.  At any given moment you could ask what I'm thinking about, and unless I have specifically distracted myself, it's probably "how much I want to not be here anymore."


I'm alone.  I have no non-digital/non-long-distance friends that I can reach out to.  I'm a terminal introvert, and meeting people, let alone making friends, is nearly impossible.


I have family, and one or two of them actually care, but I don't interact with them.


I am currently in consultations and discussions with doctors and therapists to potentially begin gender transition, male to female.  So, yeah... you'll notice that most of the images I choose to represent myself are probably female, but if you ever see a picture of me I'm a bearded-guy.


I have never been uncomfortable with my gender, per se, but I have never been comfortable.  I don't hate what I am, but I don't like it.  In my mind, from the time I was very, very young, I've always been female, and if I'd been able to change that all the way back then, I would have.  As it is, even though I have been in and around the LGBT community for over 20 years, transition never presented itself as an option to me because I never felt like I fit the model.  My gender dysphoria isn't accompanied by the hatred of my genitals that many people have.  I'm quite comfortable, but if I had a magic pill, I'd take it in a heartbeat.


So... I'm probably leaving a lot out, but that's me in a nutshell.


My blog is there for the reading (I've removed the direct link at admin request because it contains some NSFW content, but you can find it associated with this username on tumblr - you'll just have to type it yourself).  It's mostly a mixture of posts about my depression and ideation combined with re-blogged porn and other images that I find attractive.  Just be forewarned about what you may or may not see there.

Edited by taurmaurils
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Welcome to CB! Be sure and read the rules. We don't have a lot of them but they're important. 


I think you'll find that we're a pretty good group of people and you're certain to find folks here that can relate to you and your issues.


Check out chat sometime if you enjoy that type of thing. Sometimes it gets going fast. Feel free to jump right in or lurk if you're more comfortable. 


We also have an area where you can create a blog--public and/or private. Feel free to create one if you'd like.


I take it you're a Pink Floyd fan.  :) 



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