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Finally have admitted i have this and terribly scared

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hello everyone, :) so this is really new to me and im terrified :unsure:  im not really sure where to start... my names eve im 29. 


ive always know something is wrong with me but refused to do anything about it, i have lived in constant fear of becoming like my mother and my uncle( so i have ignored it and just thought i was a bit quirky!!!...they are both diagnosed with Bipolar 1. my mother refuses to talk about it much but those words have come from her mouth at one stage or another. Both were sectioned and are now medicated and are "fine".  :huh:


I finally went to the doctors about 2 weeks ago now and went in well prepared with everything written down i could think of that i thought he may need to know. He couldn't obviously diagnose me as i have to wait for my referral to the psychiatrist but agreed off the record that he thinks it is bipolar and possibly Post traumatic stress syndrome..while i dont want that label i kind of do too so i know why i do or say things or act in certain ways..so now i just have to wait to see a professional i guess so i can get the diagnosis and meds i desperately need. 


I unsure on what type i have although i suspect it bipolar2 after what reading i have done. :unsure:  


Ive had only 1 certain major manic episode in my life that i can recall...it involved me painting and decorating and glossing every room in my whole house top to bottom in a week :goofy: , all hours of the day and night i was up scrubbing carpets with bleach etc. :unsure: ..wouldn't rest until it was all done, needless to say it looked pants! I believe this episode lasted about 2 to 3 weeks although im unsure as i had noone close enough to me to tell me exact timespans. This was after my second child was born in 2010. 


From then on i have noticed it getting worse, my mood swings and rage are uncontrollable at times and i constantly up and down with my emotions. i have been like this since about age 20 but now im hitting my 30s i have noticed it more.


I find that i have a cycle or routine to my moods etc, but my elevated mood only lasts about 3 days then i crash into a depressive state for 2 or 3 before i have a " normal" mood which can last a week or so .Im not really sure what my normal mood is though to be fair! my elevated mood consists mainly of spending, cleaning and oddly moving every piece of furniture in every room, until it feels right, however i get extremely irritable argumentative and just generally arsey too. low mood is basically self loathing self pity crying, feeling like i want to kill myself even though i never would, that is just words, i also tend to look back on my life and childhood, get depressed and that throws up a lot of my emotions about my family etc...it just is a never ending cycle and far to much to write down here i guess. 


I know i have rambled but i guess i just want an insight into how things are going to progress for me with doctors etc and what i should expect, im very scared and not sure im even ready to admit it all to myself let alone mental health professionals but i know as its getting worse i have to..i have to do something about it before it gets to the stage im most fearfull of. 


Thanks for reading if you got this far.


eve x


ps any links or reading would be gratefully appreciated :-)

Edited by Realisation
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Hi eve!


The following is a great thread on finding out you have Bipolar Disorder:  http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/55785-life-advice-for-someone-who-just-went-bipolar/


The kinds of things you can expect is for your pdoc to try a couple of medications to see if they can find one that keeps your symptoms under control.  I would also suggest finding a therapist as coping skills and being able to talk with someone about your illness is very important.  The medication-go-round can be quite a PITA, but when you find the right combination of meds its worth it.


Your pdoc will probably want to see you every couple of months until your stable and then the visits may get further apart.


As I said, coping skills are really important.  Things like positive self-talk, self-soothing, reframing issues, etc. are invaluable so don't skip out on going to a therapist.

Edited by Phoenix_Rising
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Hello Eve,


getting a diagnosis and admitting to yourself that something is wrong can be a great relief. As Phoenix said, getting a doctor and a therapist can be helpful.


Watching Stephen Frys documentary about bipolar disorder was very helpful (yet incredible emotional) for me. It can also be good for your loved ones to watch with you.



There are also good books that can teach you about your mood and how to deal with it. I enjoyed 'The Bipolar Disorder Survivor Guide', but there are other books as well. 


And, finally, mental illness of whatever flavours is difficult to deal with, but it is possible to live with it and to learn how to live better with it. It can get better.


All the best.

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Thankyou both for your replies, i think finally taking that massive step and going to my doctor and admitting my problem, i do feel more positive its just the waiting to get the diagnosis is harder than living with this all these years funnily enough! i will definately take a look at the documentary thankyou  :)  i will also be looking at other posts to give me a bit more confidence and understanding that i am not alone and things will be better for me, my children and my loved ones ones i am on meds. i think myself i have had such a hard time coming to terms with it because of the stigma that comes with having a mental health condition so knowing other people are going through the same thing definately will help me. 

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Finding the right medication is the most important step, in my opinion.

Sometimes that can take a few years.


At any rate don't be afraid to try Lithium.  It is fantastic for some people.


Therapy is useful.  Charting your moods will help.  just Google mood chart and you will find some.

Being aware, monitoring yourself, having a good pdoc and tdoc, try medications until you

find the right fit.


Bipolar can be managed.  And you have the most important reasons to be med compliant and treatment compliant.

Your have two children.  That is a huge inspiration to stay stable.

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Welcome to the boards, sorry you had a need to find us.  There are a lot of very knowledgeable and experienced people here, with a huge variety of mental illnesses (MI).  We also have several members in the U.K., and here is a good post about the specifics of mental health care in the U.K.:




It is scary to realize that your brain isn't wired like everyone else's brain, and it's a tough thing to come to grips with.  There are a lot of rabbit holes to go chasing down, like "I'm not really that crazy, am I?  Am I?", or "Maybe when I decided to suddenly quit my job and spend all my time knitting socks out of cat fur for the entire population of Sri Lanka I was actually manic...", or "If I haven't gotten out of bed or showered for a couple of weeks, does that mean I'm depressed, or just that it's been raining a lot lately?"


I hope you luck out and get a great medical team to help you through things.  Try not to be overwhelmed at first, although it's hard not to.  Someone is always around here, so ask all the questions you need to. 

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I had a very similar experience to you. My mom and all her siblings are nuts and I grew up terrified that I would end up with it too. I managed through my twenties, but when I hit thirty....whoa. It suddenly got worse. I was diagnosed as bipolar with PTSD. It hit me like a punch to the gut, even though I had known for years that there was something wrong. It took me seven years to really get things under control with medication and therapy, but the journey was worth it. Things can be so much better with the right meds and therapy. I am glad you found this site. The people on here are really fantastic and supportive. Welcome!

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