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How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

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I'm in one of those states where I don't know how I feel.

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Egg donor is very ill suddenly. She had her first heart attack a little under a month ago...now she’s been in and out of the hospital since, due to new dx of congestive heart failure, and now pneumonia. 

How am I feeling? Guilty AF. I have been wishing this upon her for longer than I care to admit. 

I think I caused her serious health issues, because she got so lonely from no contact. 

But wtf-ever, right? 

Whats done is done. 

She seems to be on the verge of dying. And I don’t even want to attend her funeral. 

YEP! Guilty AF. 

Edited by DammitJanet
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I'm feeling a bit strange, though that's nothing new really. I've been through a bit of a bad patch lately, which peaked a week ago with me feeling that existence is pain and wishing I was dead, or something cheerful like that. Now I feel something like how I do after having a cold. The worst is over and I'm not as ill as I was but I'm not quite well either. Whatever 'well' ever was. Or maybe it blew a hole in the armour I've built up between me and the world which hasn't been fixed yet, and it hurts but it also lets some warmth in.

And if I'm sounding like a self-absorbed wanker it's because I'm a self-absorbed wanker. Though the literal connotations of being a self-absorbed wanker... not what I meant, and probably not what anyone was thinking about before I mentioned it. Shame to waste it I suppose. Eugh! Anyone else's thoughts followed me down here in the gutter? Shame on you!

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51 minutes ago, DammitJanet said:

Egg donor is very ill suddenly. She had her first heart attack a little under a month ago...now she’s been in and out of the hospital since, due to new dx of congestive heart failure, and now pneumonia. 

How am I feeling? Guilty AF. I have been wishing this upon her for longer than I care to admit. 

I think I caused her serious health issues, because she got so lonely from no contact. 

But wtf-ever, right? 

Whats done is done. 

She seems to be on the verge of dying. And I don’t even want to attend her funeral. 

YEP! Guilty AF. 

I wish the same on my adopted mom.

I never thought about it actually happening. I don't think we have the power to actually make it happen. 

From where I am it seems like she's caused you a great deal of pain. Your reaction to that is perfectly normal and acceptable. Imo anyway.

Nasty people wind up alone in the end

5 minutes ago, Fluent In Silence said:

I'm feeling a bit strange, though that's nothing new really. I've been through a bit of a bad patch lately, which peaked a week ago with me feeling that existence is pain and wishing I was dead, or something cheerful like that. Now I feel something like how I do after having a cold. The worst is over and I'm not as ill as I was but I'm not quite well either. Whatever 'well' ever was. Or maybe it blew a hole in the armour I've built up between me and the world which hasn't been fixed yet, and it hurts but it also lets some warmth in.

And if I'm sounding like a self-absorbed wanker it's because I'm a self-absorbed wanker. Though the literal connotations of being a self-absorbed wanker... not what I meant, and probably not what anyone was thinking about before I mentioned it. Shame to waste it I suppose. Eugh! Anyone else's thoughts followed me down here in the gutter? Shame on you!

I'd like to say I've felt that way also, except I don't know what a wanker is ?

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Just now, deeschmee said:

 

Nasty people wind up alone in the end

Like mother like daughter in that case. ?

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1 hour ago, DammitJanet said:

Egg donor is very ill suddenly. She had her first heart attack a little under a month ago...now she’s been in and out of the hospital since, due to new dx of congestive heart failure, and now pneumonia. 

How am I feeling? Guilty AF. I have been wishing this upon her for longer than I care to admit. 

I think I caused her serious health issues, because she got so lonely from no contact. 

But wtf-ever, right? 

Whats done is done. 

She seems to be on the verge of dying. And I don’t even want to attend her funeral. 

YEP! Guilty AF. 

It's hard to have an egg donor rather than a mother. I guess when my father died I felt guilty about how little it meant to me, but also sad that we'd never established any sort of relationship that I would miss. And he was the nice parent.

I doubt that you caused her health issues. If it was due to her being lonely then it's because she didn't give you any good reason to be around her. You see the Hollywood version of families sometimes and it seems so unrealistic. They're nice to each other and hug each other. And you wonder if that really happens, and if so why it never happened to you. 

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7 minutes ago, Fluent In Silence said:

 You see the Hollywood version of families sometimes and it seems so unrealistic. They're nice to each other and hug each other. And you wonder if that really happens, and if so why it never happened to you. 

This! So much. Grew up watching the Brady Bunch and always thought, why did they deserve such a better life, and had raging jealousy. 

Now on occasion it comes up on my romu, I watch it for 5 minutes, then flip the channel with a big Fuck You. 

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On 2/16/2019 at 2:46 AM, jt07 said:

Worried. Still alive.

Same. Very sleepy all the time.

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my GI system is really unhappy with me.  I think it's stress, not that that makes the physical aspect any more enjoyable.  I've been having intrusive memories related to when someone wanted and threatened to kill lme multiple times. 

time to grab a zofran and two bentyls and see if I can sleep it off. 

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Tired, sad, lonely, hopeless. Basically, the usual baseline crap. Nothing really truly changes.

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I feel good, working on chores but happy to work on them.

Feeling good doing chores but it feels good to do them.

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