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How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

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Havent posted in this in a while.

Exhausted. I havent slept well in 6 weeks despite upping sleep meds, since concussion. Living on vyvanse and coffee.

Stressed-getting just stomped on at work. I have a student to help me, and disperse some of the work, and were both losing our minds

aggravated-2 weeks, 6 phones calls to the neuropsych department, no return call to get my neuropsych testing

aggravated and hopeless- concussion is not clearing, nothing thinking right, reallly really struggling at work. Cant get ahold of neuropsych. 

In the midst of all this I have a massive life decision to make. Im have an oppertunity to hook in with a major surgeon/hospital and do specialty work. I have some of the training and certification. But I would need to by end of july do roughly 200 course hours, pass exams, apply and pass a national board exam, and then sit for another entirely different training and exam.

basically enough training, boards, exams that most people do over the course of years in a few months, plus work, and figure out a move. I dont know that my brain can handle it, and this is the time, this is the oppertunity that may only come once........

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11 minutes ago, looking for answers said:

basically enough training, boards, exams that most people do over the course of years in a few months, plus work, and figure out a move. I dont know that my brain can handle it, and this is the time, this is the oppertunity that may only come once........

That's a tough decision. Wishing you well with it.

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Not nearly as motivated today. But tons I have to do regardless. By tomorrow. 

Anxious, irritable, just flat out bitchy. 

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Exhausted. Very busy day, went better than expected but ready to sleep

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anxious, fuck fuck fuck. i swept the workshop at work, which is not really my territory (though cleaning is definitely my territory), and i'm terrified that my coworker is going to be mad at me for it. even though there's no reason he would be. but what if he is!! what if he hates me! aaaaaah!

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A combination of lots of anxiety about the future, decently content with current situation minus the anxiety, and some shame about the past.  

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Fair. Still scared on crutches. I just can't do crutches.

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Physically sh**tty, migraine, exhaustion. I need to work and all I want to to is sleep today. Very worried and overwhelmed about the near future.

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9 hours ago, Blahblah said:

Physically sh**tty, migraine, exhaustion. I need to work and all I want to to is sleep today. Very worried and overwhelmed about the near future.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful. Sending hugs and love. 

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Posted (edited)

Sleepy, and bordering physically exhausted. But so happy I got a bunch of work done again today! I live on a university campus...and a lot of the students need volunteer hours, so they sign up with whoever needs help cleaning their apartment here and they helped me clean and 100% organize my entire front walk in closet! Completely and totally! Had two bags after to take to goodwill too, so it feels extremely calm in here now. 

But I am super tired...not enough sleep again...I mean really! WTF is wrong with my sleep?! I take enough to put down a horse. That’s what the sleep specialist said!

Edited by DammitJanet

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1 hour ago, DammitJanet said:

Sleepy, and bordering physically exhausted. But so happy I got a bunch of work done again today! I live on a university campus...and a lot of the students need volunteer hours, so they sign up with whoever needs help cleaning their apartment here and they helped me clean and 100% organize my entire front walk in closet! Completely and totally! Had two bags after to take to goodwill too, so it feels extremely calm in here now. 

But I am super tired...not enough sleep again...I mean really! WTF is wrong with my sleep?! I take enough to put down a horse. That’s what the sleep specialist said!

Good news! That's gotta feel better to be organized. It can actually clear your mental state when everything is neatly in place. But yeah i hate it when you're exhausted and then just lay there for hours not falling asleep.

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Just now, Blahblah said:

Good news! That's gotta feel better to be organized. It can actually clear your mental state when everything is neatly in place. But yeah i hate it when you're exhausted and then just lay there for hours not falling asleep.

I can always get to sleep, thank goodness! It’s just staying that way. Lunesta alone used to do it. Now I’m on 4 things and still...oh well. I hope your future worries turn out to be all for naught. 💗

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Okayish. Today was good. I dropped some things off at the charity shop, stopped at the vape shop and chatted with the vape nerd behind the counter who was telling me why my ecig setup is shite. VOOPOO Drag 2 is apparently the best thing going. I only went in to see if they had a replacement for my broken drip tip (Yeah I know. Drip tip 🤣). Then walking home I passed my neighbour's young daughters, and one of them sticks her tongue out at me and I laugh. And another one asks what my name is, I reply and ask what her name is. She runs away to Granny who's standing by the door. Awwww! Isn't life wonderful?

Then I get home and close the door and start to think how I fucked everything up. I wasn't friendly enough to those kids. I was probably weird and the tone of voice with which I said "What's your name?" was probably wrong. The vape store guy hated me because I didn't buy anything and the stuff I gave to charity was just crap that I didn't want, so don't go thinking you're a good person. This is the sort of crap I have to deal with. It didn't go as far as it has in the past. I'm a social failure and I should've said... oh fuck it I should just kill myself. But way to ruin anything positive. Can't have me feeling happy or anything can we.

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Every nerve in my body just misfired simultaneously because I didn’t even know the dog was by my feet until he licked between my bare toes oh god somebody killlmeeee....!

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13 hours ago, Fluent In Silence said:

Okayish. Today was good. I dropped some things off at the charity shop, stopped at the vape shop and chatted with the vape nerd behind the counter who was telling me why my ecig setup is shite. VOOPOO Drag 2 is apparently the best thing going. I only went in to see if they had a replacement for my broken drip tip (Yeah I know. Drip tip 🤣). Then walking home I passed my neighbour's young daughters, and one of them sticks her tongue out at me and I laugh. And another one asks what my name is, I reply and ask what her name is. She runs away to Granny who's standing by the door. Awwww! Isn't life wonderful?

Then I get home and close the door and start to think how I fucked everything up. I wasn't friendly enough to those kids. I was probably weird and the tone of voice with which I said "What's your name?" was probably wrong. The vape store guy hated me because I didn't buy anything and the stuff I gave to charity was just crap that I didn't want, so don't go thinking you're a good person. This is the sort of crap I have to deal with. It didn't go as far as it has in the past. I'm a social failure and I should've said... oh fuck it I should just kill myself. But way to ruin anything positive. Can't have me feeling happy or anything can we.

Please try to see through the lies you’re buying into. Your brain is being a fucker and you’re only making one mistake, which is listening to it. Please try to challenge it and pay attention to the origin from whence the thoughts came. 

Everyone here loves you and at least half if not many more would love to give you a great big hug. 

🤗 

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Posted (edited)

Anxious. Relieved. Accomplished. Optimistic. 

I had helpers (volunteers) come in yesterday, and asked for help organizing my main walk-in closet. It went from nightmare to pure bliss! I wish I had taken a before pic because the difference is nothing short of astonishing! 

Deplin (even though my lab value was in normal range), seems to be helping me in miraculous ways! Well, generic form. I just wish I could afford it without it dipping into my food budget every month. 😐 

Question to the single folks: how much is your monthly food budget set at?

I need to see how mine compares. I’m going to have to use food pantries this month, which is extremely humbling and a bit embarrassing. 

Oh well... it’s kinda well worth it cause I’ve never been able to get Abby on her walks before 9 am and have done so now for a good week!

uh oh. Rambling again. 

But one last thing! I’m also just about completely done with cleaning the grime part of my apartment, and 75% of my clutter and organizing is done! 

Yay, L-Methylfolate!

EDIT: I want to add a picture of my new closet and so WISH I’d taken a before shot!

 

 

454D4FCF-D5AA-41D4-91FC-973E1D04F0CC.jpeg

Edited by DammitJanet
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that closet is gorgeous.  I wish I had that type of skill.  I'm lucky to get things into shelves and on hangers rather than on top of a dresser.

 

I'm reasonably calm.  I'm starting to feel like this episode might be passing.  I'm still anxious about job stuff, but a bit less so.

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48 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

that closet is gorgeous.  I wish I had that type of skill.  I'm lucky to get things into shelves and on hangers rather than on top of a dresser.

 

I'm reasonably calm.  I'm starting to feel like this episode might be passing.  I'm still anxious about job stuff, but a bit less so.

Thanks, and I’m glad you’re starting to feel better. 💗

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