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How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

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Really down. Just came from therapy, and am wrung out. Supposed to have lunch with sister in from out of town, but I don't wanna deal with that without a buffer. I actually can't remember the last time I spent time with her without someone else there. She's a nice enough person, but also kind of an idiot for a smart person, and she's not someone I can confide in so I'll have to pretend I don't feel like shit the whole time.

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9 minutes ago, Unstrung Harp said:

Really down. Just came from therapy, and am wrung out. Supposed to have lunch with sister in from out of town, but I don't wanna deal with that without a buffer. I actually can't remember the last time I spent time with her without someone else there. She's a nice enough person, but also kind of an idiot for a smart person, and she's not someone I can confide in so I'll have to pretend I don't feel like shit the whole time.

Ouff. Putting on a mask is exhausting too. And you just had an exhausting therapy appointment it sounds like. I’m sorry harp. When you get home from lunch definitely take some time for *you* if you are able. I hope so. Take a nap or do something you find enjoyable or at least something nice for yourself. 

I’ll be thinking of you, hoping the lunch goes well. 

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11 minutes ago, Unstrung Harp said:

Really down. Just came from therapy, and am wrung out. Supposed to have lunch with sister in from out of town, but I don't wanna deal with that without a buffer. I actually can't remember the last time I spent time with her without someone else there. She's a nice enough person, but also kind of an idiot for a smart person, and she's not someone I can confide in so I'll have to pretend I don't feel like shit the whole time.

Good luck, harp. Maybe just concentrating on ordering the yummiest food on the menu might be helpful, my tdoc is always insistent I do something for myself after that kind of session. 

 

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Ooooooh hypomanic. How I hate to love or love to hate thee. I’m not sure anymore. I’m sorry if I’m posting too much or buzzing around here too much. Feel free to tell me to take a hike. I just feel so awesome-tastic! Is that a word? It is now!

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Been crazy lately. My Klonopin is not helping much with easing my stress/anxiety/irritable mood.

Can it help with paranoia? My Pdoc said I have paranoia I guess. I would agree. I'm very worried about "them" and "their" intentions. I'm worried about almost EVERYTHING and can't catch a break.

My poor poor fiancé- bless his heart for putting up with me.

1 hour ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Ooooooh hypomanic. How I hate to love or love to hate thee. I’m not sure anymore. I’m sorry if I’m posting too much or buzzing around here too much. Feel free to tell me to take a hike. I just feel so awesome-tastic! Is that a word? It is now!

It's good that you feel good right now. Just keep an eye on it but I'm sure you know that already. 😛

I maxed out 2 credit cards recently and also bought a car. Whoops...

 

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In apathy hell, laying around for 3 hours. But I don't feel sad. 😑

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Freaking starving. I’m pretty sure it’s viibrid...have gained ever since going on it...now I’m starving myself to lose it, hopefully. 

Seems my vyvanse is wearing off between 1-2 pm and I take it between 5-6 am. 

I see pdoc tomorrow, hoping she’ll give me an ir 10 mg Adderall for this time of the day...but christ she’s getting stingy. 

Also not sleeping well AT all. Even with everything in my sig...going to ask about a typical AP tomorrow, that doesn’t cause wt gain. 

I just at 5oz of baked salmon and my stomach is growling!!!

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Sleepy and weak. I was feeling pretty good just a few hours ago. Leg occasionally aches, but I think it might slowly be getting better. But waiting for progress is like watching the hands of a clock waiting for them to move.

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Discouraged. Not looking forward to going over my whole family and psychiatric history for the third time in a week. It's exhausting and makes me feel bad about myself.

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3 hours ago, Unstrung Harp said:

Discouraged. Not looking forward to going over my whole family and psychiatric history for the third time in a week. It's exhausting and makes me feel bad about myself.

It's such a pain isn't it? I always dread seeing a new pdoc or tdoc because I have a long history and could spend many days just explaining it all, often I don't know where to start. And it drudges up a ton of sad, awful feelings for the rest of the day.

Ugh I was let down by people today big time and it sucks. Just a reminder how selfish and self serving many people are. And my Effexor is making me feel weird & out of it, I hope this sleepiness & apathy goes away. I just want to sleep but I have stuff I must do.

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Been awake since 3 am again...even after taking one of my emergency prn Seroquel last night--which I only use after two nights of awful sleep and I’m feeling extremely agitated—otherwise, screw that med and the awful shit it does to my metabolism. 

See the pdoc today at two. Going to try to get some much needed last minute decluttering before they come in on Monday to replace windows which will do wonders for both my and Abby’s anxiety! And it’s too hot to go sit at the dog park all day! But most of this morning I’m going to be researching as much as possible on my last options for sleep med help.

Not sleeping is the main reason my mood goes off the rails. And I don’t mean just snippy...after the second day I start feeling delusional, crazy, and get rageful, especially when driving!

anyway, for now I’m just feeling the stupid Seroquel grog...ffffT. 

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@DammitJanet When did the sleep issue start? Is it a side effect of another med (like Viibryd or Lexapro?) That sucks that nothing seems to help.I go totally nuts without my sleep.

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Posted (edited)

'I'm back from my appointment with the nutritionist.  I really like her.  But it's a lot of info.  Mostly because I need to go grocery shopping.  I hate grocery shopping.  I get delivery, but I can't get it in time. 

I wrote to my psychiatrist because I'm overly sedated in the morning.  She had me increase my dose (0.5 to 1mg) and it seems like it doesn't help.  I wasn't exactly slurring my speech, but I wasn't speaking clearly during the appointment.  I could feel it.  I'd like to try going without the morning and evening doses of ativan and just riding on the klonopin.  Or take ativan late afternoon before the klonopin wears off.  I don't know if this will fix things, but it seems like the most likely culprit.

Edited by dancesintherain

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19 minutes ago, Blahblah said:

@DammitJanet When did the sleep issue start? Is it a side effect of another med (like Viibryd or Lexapro?) That sucks that nothing seems to help.I go totally nuts without my sleep.

It’s actually been a progressively worsening issue for the past eight years and off and on before that. I’m sure the viibryd, Vyvanse, and lexapro aren’t helping...but they help immensely. 

Im also in menopause, with virtually no progesterone which I’ve just started putting the cream on again cause I’ve never used it long enough to have it steady in my blood stream. 

I see my hormone doc again in a couple weeks and I will ask to have that added in pill form. 

Something has to give. 

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Posted (edited)

nm just more pointless rambling 

Edited by DammitJanet

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I feel apprehensive about tomorrow. There is an event I must attend and I will be sitting upright for 3 to 4 hours. I'm actually terrified because I generally can't sit upright for longer then an hour or 2 without starting to feel sick and like I'll pass out if I don't lay down right away. I'll also need to be near a bathroom because I have bathroom attacks every day since having my gallbladder taken out over a year ago.

This is all really awful and I feel like a horrible person for feeling like this. It's an important event too. Why can't my body just cooperate and function normally for once?

Also, I keep getting hounded about my diabetes and checking my blood sugar. I'm so overwhelmed!! I can't take this!! 🤕

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Sleepy. Tired. Otherwise, fair.

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Apathetic, no motivation to do anything.. but also nauseous, nervous, vigilant, like on edge a bit. I hate adding new meds.

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Everybody hates me! Oh do they now. Who hates you? Name some names. Well nobody seems to hate me as such, I just feel like they should. Why should they hate you? I'm no good, I'm worthless, I'm shit. Nobody has ever called me such things except for me. I sometimes worry about not being able to be as outgoing and friendly as I'd like to be. That hardly makes me Hitler does it? You're sometimes a bit shy you monster!

Gawd! Fighting the same battles over and over again. But people should hate me because... I don't know. Because I'm not normal? Which would make them bigots, and bigots can go fuck themselves. I don't know what it is but if people knew the 'real me' they'd hate me. Whatever the fuck the 'real me' is. The 'real me' isn't a serial killer or anything like that, just someone who never feels like they're good enough

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