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How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

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Something is not right. I think I may know what happened but the story would be too long. Since when does that stop me? 🤣 

fortunately, I see pdoc on Thursday, but I fear yet again, we won’t find a working sleep alternative. Well, one I can tolerate without wt gain. Cause I swear sleep is just one of very few triggers for me. 

Was up almost every hour last night...so tonight it’s an emergency prn Seroquel I guess. 

Have a four hour drive in an hour...with appointment included, 6 hours...and all I can think ism I’m abusing Abby leaving her home. Especially when horrible, loud construction noise is bad all day long. 

The car would get too hot while in the appointment though...🙁

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Depressed, irritated, tired.  Obsessively stalking my ex-husband online -- I know it just upsets me, but I can't seem to stop. I need to get a grip.

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@jt07 nothing like errands to exacerbate an injury! resting it today should help. i'm glad it's on its way to feeling better.

 

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Posted (edited)

Had pdoc appt today, which is always fun (I'm currently searching for another doc).........I'm dressed very casually, with a old top and faded blue jeans, no makeup, no jewelry.....this is how I usually dress.

Pdoc makes a big deal of how nice I look, and I just respond with "Huh"?.......She repeats how nice I look, and asks me "You don't see it"?........I replied no, not really.

I tell her that I'm still very depressed, can't leave my house alone, and about all the OCD behaviors I still do.

Then she talks about how intelligent I am, and what a good job I did raising my kids, so I shouldn't feel so negative......I don't make any comments after that, because she acts like she doesn't really hear what I'm saying.

Then she gives me refills for all my same meds, and I leave.......I don't know what to make of this appointment....

Yes, I REALLY need a new doc, and I'm on some waiting lists, and constantly searching.......**SIGH**

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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bad, sad, anxious. my boss has been in a bad mood today for reasons unrelated to me, but the energy he's putting out is making me feel afraid. also i have to email our accountant, who doesn't seem to like me very much. i feel small and frightened of the world.

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Leg is aching a little but not hurting acutely.  Still suffering from wanting/having to sleep all the time and my stimulant is powerless against it. I can nod off at any time.

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Gaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

sigh.

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Really down. Just came from therapy, and am wrung out. Supposed to have lunch with sister in from out of town, but I don't wanna deal with that without a buffer. I actually can't remember the last time I spent time with her without someone else there. She's a nice enough person, but also kind of an idiot for a smart person, and she's not someone I can confide in so I'll have to pretend I don't feel like shit the whole time.

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9 minutes ago, Unstrung Harp said:

Really down. Just came from therapy, and am wrung out. Supposed to have lunch with sister in from out of town, but I don't wanna deal with that without a buffer. I actually can't remember the last time I spent time with her without someone else there. She's a nice enough person, but also kind of an idiot for a smart person, and she's not someone I can confide in so I'll have to pretend I don't feel like shit the whole time.

Ouff. Putting on a mask is exhausting too. And you just had an exhausting therapy appointment it sounds like. I’m sorry harp. When you get home from lunch definitely take some time for *you* if you are able. I hope so. Take a nap or do something you find enjoyable or at least something nice for yourself. 

I’ll be thinking of you, hoping the lunch goes well. 

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11 minutes ago, Unstrung Harp said:

Really down. Just came from therapy, and am wrung out. Supposed to have lunch with sister in from out of town, but I don't wanna deal with that without a buffer. I actually can't remember the last time I spent time with her without someone else there. She's a nice enough person, but also kind of an idiot for a smart person, and she's not someone I can confide in so I'll have to pretend I don't feel like shit the whole time.

Good luck, harp. Maybe just concentrating on ordering the yummiest food on the menu might be helpful, my tdoc is always insistent I do something for myself after that kind of session. 

 

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Ooooooh hypomanic. How I hate to love or love to hate thee. I’m not sure anymore. I’m sorry if I’m posting too much or buzzing around here too much. Feel free to tell me to take a hike. I just feel so awesome-tastic! Is that a word? It is now!

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Been crazy lately. My Klonopin is not helping much with easing my stress/anxiety/irritable mood.

Can it help with paranoia? My Pdoc said I have paranoia I guess. I would agree. I'm very worried about "them" and "their" intentions. I'm worried about almost EVERYTHING and can't catch a break.

My poor poor fiancé- bless his heart for putting up with me.

1 hour ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Ooooooh hypomanic. How I hate to love or love to hate thee. I’m not sure anymore. I’m sorry if I’m posting too much or buzzing around here too much. Feel free to tell me to take a hike. I just feel so awesome-tastic! Is that a word? It is now!

It's good that you feel good right now. Just keep an eye on it but I'm sure you know that already. 😛

I maxed out 2 credit cards recently and also bought a car. Whoops...

 

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In apathy hell, laying around for 3 hours. But I don't feel sad. 😑

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Freaking starving. I’m pretty sure it’s viibrid...have gained ever since going on it...now I’m starving myself to lose it, hopefully. 

Seems my vyvanse is wearing off between 1-2 pm and I take it between 5-6 am. 

I see pdoc tomorrow, hoping she’ll give me an ir 10 mg Adderall for this time of the day...but christ she’s getting stingy. 

Also not sleeping well AT all. Even with everything in my sig...going to ask about a typical AP tomorrow, that doesn’t cause wt gain. 

I just at 5oz of baked salmon and my stomach is growling!!!

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Sleepy and weak. I was feeling pretty good just a few hours ago. Leg occasionally aches, but I think it might slowly be getting better. But waiting for progress is like watching the hands of a clock waiting for them to move.

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Discouraged. Not looking forward to going over my whole family and psychiatric history for the third time in a week. It's exhausting and makes me feel bad about myself.

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3 hours ago, Unstrung Harp said:

Discouraged. Not looking forward to going over my whole family and psychiatric history for the third time in a week. It's exhausting and makes me feel bad about myself.

It's such a pain isn't it? I always dread seeing a new pdoc or tdoc because I have a long history and could spend many days just explaining it all, often I don't know where to start. And it drudges up a ton of sad, awful feelings for the rest of the day.

Ugh I was let down by people today big time and it sucks. Just a reminder how selfish and self serving many people are. And my Effexor is making me feel weird & out of it, I hope this sleepiness & apathy goes away. I just want to sleep but I have stuff I must do.

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Been awake since 3 am again...even after taking one of my emergency prn Seroquel last night--which I only use after two nights of awful sleep and I’m feeling extremely agitated—otherwise, screw that med and the awful shit it does to my metabolism. 

See the pdoc today at two. Going to try to get some much needed last minute decluttering before they come in on Monday to replace windows which will do wonders for both my and Abby’s anxiety! And it’s too hot to go sit at the dog park all day! But most of this morning I’m going to be researching as much as possible on my last options for sleep med help.

Not sleeping is the main reason my mood goes off the rails. And I don’t mean just snippy...after the second day I start feeling delusional, crazy, and get rageful, especially when driving!

anyway, for now I’m just feeling the stupid Seroquel grog...ffffT. 

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@DammitJanet When did the sleep issue start? Is it a side effect of another med (like Viibryd or Lexapro?) That sucks that nothing seems to help.I go totally nuts without my sleep.

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