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How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

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2 hours ago, echolocation said:

@Unstrung Harp good luck with the retreat! wishing you healthy productivity and a clear mind. :^)

Thank you! It was okay, and somewhat productive, though I wish I could have stuck in til the end today.

Anxious that I hit the wall after 3.5 hours of work today, though at least I got something done, so I'm trying to be okay with that. Disappointed that something I ordered to wear to this fairly formal thing I'm going to next week doesn't fit well, and now I feel not only like a slug for not working more than three and a half hours but I feel misshapen considering that this thing I measured myself for twice doesn't even fit. Dissertation chair hasn't written me back yet so I'm also anxious about that. It's cold and wet, and I need to fill my adderall prescription. That about covers it.

 

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Weary from an intense day of work, but it was productive so it’s a good kind of tired. Need to run out to the art store in a minute, supposed to start raining again and I’m really sick of it now. 

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Feel really close to losing my shit today, which may not happen, or may involve tears or panic attack. Hopefully I won’t lose my shit. 

  • Sad 2

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A little sleepy and noticing the zyprexa hunger more. But I’m trying to be strict.

Wondering if I’m making a wise decision regarding staying on zyprexa zydis. If this fails somehow with extreme side effects or I get sick again, I’m going to be completely discouraged and crushed, my pdoc will think I’m a nut job and no longer let me have any input, I’ll let my mom and husband down, etc. 

Husband said I need to pick a med and stick with it. I guess so. 

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not good, very afraid. there is conflict between my boss and coworker, and my boss has been in a horrible mood for the last few days, and other people's bad moods scare me. they are family and i think the issue runs deeper than just work stuff. i'm trying to stay out of it, but my boss keeps talking to me about how he's going to have to hire someone new. i don't know if he'll go through with it, but i wish he wouldn't involve me in it.

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I am unbelievably, unmanageably tired after two days outside my house in which I worked a total of five or six hours, and today work consisted mostly of reading what I'd already written. When I was doing my coursework and teaching I worked twelve hours days and came home and took care of my kids. I wrote papers and met deadlines and planned classes. I don't know why I'm so useless and low energy now.

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Completely lost my shit today, and it's not the first time it's happened this week.  Over little stupid trivial things. It's like watching a train wreck I'm powerless to stop, something takes over and I can't stop screaming and crying.  My family takes it with a grain of salt because they've seen it before, but it's not fair i put them through this.  I'm an adult, I should be able to handle daily life without collapsing into hysterics.

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Fair. Trouble sleeping again. I just went through a period of sleeping too much but now I can't sleep at all.

  • Sad 2

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Homicidal towards people who get the flu and come back to work before they're 100% better.  I have a crap immune system and judging by the state of my sinuses and throat, I'll be in bed suffering before the end of the week.

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Posted (edited)

Improving some. Doc gave zyprexa, but I’m too scared to take it, so I’ve just increased my Seroquel to 75...talk about groggy!

have a lot to get done today so I’m hoping loads of caffeine will help. 

So...calmer, a little more depressed instead of high...tired as hell. Looks like I have beady little iguana eyes. 

Though I am still buying, buying, buying, on credit. 

Edited by DammitJanet
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Annoyed. Just got called "an angry feminist with a chip on my shoulder" by a stranger for politely suggesting that those opposed to a certain medical precedure also concern themselves with economic justice for women and children and promoting all the things that prevent that procedure, and I am not here for it. Told him that the "angry feminist" thing is a stereotype propagated by insecure men, and some other things. But really, if you want to insult me you have to do better than "angry feminist with a chip on your shoulder." Yawn. Like I haven't heard that for thirty years. Also, I had a Pdoc appointment and then couldn't find parking at the train station at the later time, so I have committed to "working  from home" instead of the retreat today, and I feel some anxiety and guilt about that. 

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valued, appreciated. i was chatting to my coworker about our boss's weird antics as of late and i expressed that his bad mood has been hard to be around for me. coworker said, "don't quit. please don't quit." i wasn't thinking about quitting, but it was really nice to hear that i belong here.

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Pretty much the same....

I feel so useless and unmotivated to do anything......And then there's also the daily torture of OCD.

**SIGH**

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