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How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

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I've been torturing myself all week. Mentally I mean, as if that's better. There is no hope and I'm just fucking deluding myself by thinking otherwise. I have this shit opinion of myself which I can't get rid of. To think that I could ever be happy! Worthless piece of shit that I am. And I try to struggle against it but not believing such shite seems worse in many ways. I'm a nice person and I don't deserve to be alone. Thinking that makes my eyes all watery so it's much better to think that I'm worthless. Arsehole.

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Not as bad as I could be, but not great. Today was my birthday, and I spent it alone, in bed with a broken leg, and sweltering. Just wonderful.

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Can you die from stress? Because I'm having an episode again that has happened several times before at the height of a stressful situation where it feels like my heart is pounding really hard as well as fluttering.

I feel really scared.

My SO is of no help. In fact he has caused this episode. He is not supportive at all. He even said he would force my meds down my throat at one point. He thinks everything would instantly get better if I took my meds. Maybe they would, but right now, I feel like I'm dying. My heart is beating out of whack it feels like and it won't stop. I just took an Ativan and it's melting under my tongue. I hope that helps.

I'm also really hungry and have no one to bring me any food or cook something for me. I feel so alone.

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7 hours ago, Fluent In Silence said:

I've been torturing myself all week. Mentally I mean, as if that's better. There is no hope and I'm just fucking deluding myself by thinking otherwise. I have this shit opinion of myself which I can't get rid of. To think that I could ever be happy! Worthless piece of shit that I am. And I try to struggle against it but not believing such shite seems worse in many ways. I'm a nice person and I don't deserve to be alone. Thinking that makes my eyes all watery so it's much better to think that I'm worthless. Arsehole.

Awww me too. @Fluent In Silence for all it's worth, you bring a smile to my face, you are caring, have a great sense of humor and you help people here feel less sh*tty about themselves. So you are definitely far from worthless!

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Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, jt07 said:

Not as bad as I could be, but not great. Today was my birthday, and I spent it alone, in bed with a broken leg, and sweltering. Just wonderful.

Well, Happy Birthday 🎂🎈🎁🎉🎊!  I hope you were able to enjoy it some having such horrible circumstances right now. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time with so many things, Jt. Hopefully things start turning up for you soon. 🤗 

7F4848D8-AEBE-43A0-8930-A813EEE17B76.jpeg

Edited by DammitJanet
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Posted (edited)

Feeling accomplished, relieved, calm, and yes, even peaceful. Oh, and extremely grateful. (Sorry in advance to those offended by that word!)

Edited by DammitJanet
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8 hours ago, Lapis.Lazuli said:

Can you die from stress? Because I'm having an episode again that has happened several times before at the height of a stressful situation where it feels like my heart is pounding really hard as well as fluttering.

I feel really scared.

My SO is of no help. In fact he has caused this episode. He is not supportive at all. He even said he would force my meds down my throat at one point. He thinks everything would instantly get better if I took my meds. Maybe they would, but right now, I feel like I'm dying. My heart is beating out of whack it feels like and it won't stop. I just took an Ativan and it's melting under my tongue. I hope that helps.

I'm also really hungry and have no one to bring me any food or cook something for me. I feel so alone.

Your episode sounds like a bad anxiety/panic attack.......I've had these type attacks before.

Sounds like your SO is being a little controlling........Hopefully the Ativan might help.

If you feel comfortable sharing, why aren't you taking all your meds?

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A little bit anxious because of my parents coming into my town

fairly grateful for the same

thankful for the wisdom of al-anon

 

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23 minutes ago, DammitJanet said:

Suddenly very lonely. 

I was happy to hear that you were feeling better and calm earlier! Sorry the loneliness is hitting you now  😞

Happy to say today has been OK. I took a lot of measures to focus on self-care, did low-stress errands, managed to cook. Finished notes on my DBT skills card (initially I thought was dumb, but maybe it'll help me see progress)  Was really lethargic but let myself take a nap. My gratitude for the day was that I took a big jar of heavy coins to a coinstar machine and got about $45 in cash! (I pretended I won the lottery)

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1 minute ago, Blahblah said:

I was happy to hear that you were feeling better and calm earlier! Sorry the loneliness is hitting you now  😞

Happy to say today has been OK. I took a lot of measures to focus on self-care, did low-stress errands, managed to cook. Finished notes on my DBT skills card (initially I thought was dumb, but maybe it'll help me see progress)  Was really lethargic but let myself take a nap. My gratitude for the day was that I took a big jar of heavy coins to a coinstar machine and got about $45 in cash! (I pretended I won the lottery)

Congratulations on your win. 🎉

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Just now, DammitJanet said:

Congratulations on your win. 🎉

Thanks 😊 I'm trying to note every little win (regardless how small) and try to integrate more gratitude also, which is tough during the low streaks.

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1 minute ago, Blahblah said:

Thanks 😊 I'm trying to note every little win (regardless how small) and try to integrate more gratitude also, which is tough during the low streaks.

I try to do that too. It helps. 

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13 hours ago, jt07 said:

Not as bad as I could be, but not great. Today was my birthday, and I spent it alone, in bed with a broken leg, and sweltering. Just wonderful.

Belated happy birthday, jt. I’m sorry it wasn’t the best. I hope the year improves for you.

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Thanks, DJ and Harp, for the birthday wishes.

Feeling tired and anxious at the same time. Hot and sweltering. I just need a break from this heat.

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15 hours ago, CrazyRedhead said:

Your episode sounds like a bad anxiety/panic attack.......I've had these type attacks before.

Sounds like your SO is being a little controlling........Hopefully the Ativan might help.

If you feel comfortable sharing, why aren't you taking all your meds?

I think it was anxiety. I took the Ativan and 30 minutes later my heart beat went back to normal again.

I'm really scared that my meds are toxic or that they will cause unbearable side effects. It's really unreasonable for me to be thinking that way since I've been on these 2 meds off and on in the past and never had any issues with them. I was at the max dosages for both meds at one point even and was never afraid to take the pills. I'm at very small starting dosages now (or am supposed to be).

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Lazy, spacey, completely unmotivated and procrastinating.

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I’m feeling pretty  awful because I woke up at a regular time and then took my night medications first. So I’ve got 15 mg of zyprexa in my system and 15 of klonopin and kind of a mess.

I’m having to speak by talk to text and I don’t know why I can’t  type regularly. That took 15 minutes to fix. 

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2 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

I’m feeling pretty  awful because I woke up at a regular time and then took my night medications first. So I’ve got 15 mg of zyprexa in my system and 15 of klonopin and kind of a mess.

I’m having to speak by talk to text and I don’t know why I can’t  type regularly. That took 15 minutes to fix. 

Omg I’ve done that once...accidentally taken my night meds when I wake instead of morning meds...AWFUL. Tried to puke them up for over a half an hour with no luck. I feel for you. 

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