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How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

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I got hired, ladi-da-di-da!!! So happy. Am loving the lexapro too. Good stuff. My negative thoughts are easier to fend off and I can actually switch to a positive attitude with effort. That'

Had to take my 14yo cattle dog to the emergency vet today. She had massive internal bleeding from a previously undiagnosed tumor most likely. She couldn’t be saved. It’s a bad night.

human. finally had a shower for the first time in what, a week? i feel like a bog witch who's being reintroduced to society. 

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37 minutes ago, echolocation said:

how did it go?

Pretty good.......He's said he's not going to change my sleep meds, because they are working....YAY..!!.......However, some others could be changed eventually, but that's okay......I was mainly concerned about keeping the sleeping meds (clonazepam and Trazodone).

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2 hours ago, CrazyRedhead said:

Pretty good.......He's said he's not going to change my sleep meds, because they are working....YAY..!!.......However, some others could be changed eventually, but that's okay......I was mainly concerned about keeping the sleeping meds (clonazepam and Trazodone).

glad it worked out!

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Overstimulated maybe? Started uni lectures online this week. Going OK. Maybe I should kill myself? Wait what? Oh Brain! You ruin everything. It's quite a big commitment though, and believing that in a few years I'll have a Psychology degree and not be a complete fuck up takes some effort. I'm going to be successful, my life is going to finally work out and I'll be happy. Still easier to picture my lifeless corpse being washed out to sea. I don't really believe that my life can work out well, though I'm hoping to prove myself wrong. So I'm pretty up and down at the moment. 

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1 hour ago, dancesintherain said:


im really really anxious about a work assignment that I’m working on and hopefully finishing today.

I spent 10 straight hours today churning out a report that wasn't scheduled to be done this week, but the powers-that-be decided very late yesterday that it was suddenly urgent. I got it done, but I still feel slightly hysterical and nauseous. Wishing you the best on finishing your assignment!

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Things are going OK, mostly. I was trying to explain to my counselor why this makes sad. The idea that things can actually work out means that I've wasted much of my life. You didn't need to be so fucking lonely for so fucking long. Oh I could've been happy all along if I'd just worn a smile on my face and stopped thinking that life is worthless and I should kill myself. Silly me. Can life be better? I hope so. Hugs and unicorns! But the more I think this the more the negative part of my brain kicks in. Happiness is for other people and not for the likes of you fuckface.

My degree course has started online. I'm worried about sounding like a fucking know-it-all but I also think I'm a fucking idiot. Did you know that B.H. Skinner's first name was Burrhus? What sort of fucking name is that? But that's not important. Learning about operant conditioning is important. But fucking Burrhus! I have questions. You'll never hear that name in Hollywood movies. "I love you Burrhus", "Save me Burrhus!". I'm not sure how to pronounce it. Buh - hus probably, but said quickly it's also the noise you make when you're going to vomit, which changes things. "I love you Burrhus!" Burrhus ends up getting Jackson Pollacked and wondering if he can forgive her. 

Love and vomit. I honestly don't set out to talk about such things. I just sort of meander over there and then wonder how the fuck I got here. Hurray for alcohol!

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I sometimes like to pretend that I'm not mentally ill. "Nothing wrong with me chief!" Denial. It's not normal to ... erm ... well it's not normal to want to kill yourself so often and over the slightest thing. I'm not a dramatic person or anything. Should one kill one's self? Having a sense of humour I'd like to kill myself in a funny way. Dress up as Superman and leap from a tall building. But you can't fly and you might hurt someone on the way down. Sorry. Weird and depressing thoughts there.

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