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How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?


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I got hired, ladi-da-di-da!!! So happy. Am loving the lexapro too. Good stuff. My negative thoughts are easier to fend off and I can actually switch to a positive attitude with effort. That'

Had to take my 14yo cattle dog to the emergency vet today. She had massive internal bleeding from a previously undiagnosed tumor most likely. She couldn’t be saved. It’s a bad night.

Out of it. Didn’t sleep much again. Too much to get done around here it’s making me more depressed. Yet too depressed to even begin. 

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3 hours ago, Fluent In Silence said:

Probably fucked everything up again. Or am I just trying to sound tragic? I don't fucking know.

In order to have fucked everything up again, you would have had to have fucked everything up once already, and as it is impossible for you, personally, to have fucked up everything, you clearly have not, and therefore cannot have done so again. You did not, for instance, fuck up the rather decent cup of tea I’m drinking at the moment, so there you have it.

Note that whenever your brain conjures up distressing thoughts couched in hyperbolic or absolutist terms like always, never, everything, nothing, and suchlike, those are giveaways that maladjusted thinking is at play, and those thoughts should be reconsidered and deconstructed to show how they cannot be taken at face value. Only when you disarm the mental overreaction that causes the exaggerated construction can you get to what’s actually at the core of your distress and confront it rationally.

Also, you sound like you could use a cup of tea.

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17 hours ago, Cerberus said:

In order to have fucked everything up again, you would have had to have fucked everything up once already, and as it is impossible for you, personally, to have fucked up everything, you clearly have not, and therefore cannot have done so again. You did not, for instance, fuck up the rather decent cup of tea I’m drinking at the moment, so there you have it.

Note that whenever your brain conjures up distressing thoughts couched in hyperbolic or absolutist terms like always, never, everything, nothing, and suchlike, those are giveaways that maladjusted thinking is at play, and those thoughts should be reconsidered and deconstructed to show how they cannot be taken at face value. Only when you disarm the mental overreaction that causes the exaggerated construction can you get to what’s actually at the core of your distress and confront it rationally.

Also, you sound like you could use a cup of tea.

I prefer coffee, which is very un-English of me I know. "Tea, Earl Grey, hot!" To quote Jean-Luc. You are right of course. Those absolutist terms like 'always' and 'never' creep in. It's an overreaction but it isn't always easy to realise that at the time. I'm usually quite rational, I like to think. I can also be quite irrational sometimes. Although that doesn't mean that I'm going to become a scientologist or a homeopath or anything like that. My irrationality is always more mundane and localised. The distress always goes back to me not being any good, and maybe even harmful to other people. Which is probably nonsense.

 

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i was having a wild bout of pissed-off-crying-lost-control kind of anger half an hour ago and instead of breaking plates or my face or shit like that, i had a shower, listened to calm music, and now i'm doing a face mask. i feel okay now.

in other news, my car's alternator went kaboom today and now i'm $850 poorer. alas. life goes on, i guess.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/6/2020 at 1:24 AM, echolocation said:

i was having a wild bout of pissed-off-crying-lost-control kind of anger half an hour ago and instead of breaking plates or my face or shit like that, i had a shower, listened to calm music, and now i'm doing a face mask. i feel okay now.

in other news, my car's alternator went kaboom today and now i'm $850 poorer. alas. life goes on, i guess.

Happens sometimes. I remember feeling miserable, listening to Nine Inch Nails and wishing I was dead. My brother rang and we talked for a bit. After we hung up I thought "Where was I? Oh yes, wishing I was dead. Can't really be bothered with that now." I try to remember moments like that - it will pass and you'll wonder why you felt like that in the first place. I don't always remember to remember.

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On 12/5/2020 at 7:24 PM, echolocation said:

in other news, my car's alternator went kaboom today and now i'm $850 poorer. alas. life goes on, i guess.

I initially read this as “My cat’s alternator went kaboom.” I’m having that kind of day. 

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5 hours ago, Fluent In Silence said:

I remember feeling miserable, listening to Nine Inch Nails and wishing I was dead. My brother rang and we talked for a bit. After we hung up I thought "Where was I? Oh yes, wishing I was dead. Can't really be bothered with that now."

thanks for the laugh, fluent. :) once you get out of that miserable headspace it's like "huh. better make lunch."

also, good news about the alternator. it got fried at work while (stupidly) trying to jump a much bigger business-owned vehicle, so work reimbursed me the repair. i got a lecture about safety, but the boss was more concerned about the possibility that someone could have gotten hurt more than the cost of the repair. phew! all good now.

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  • 2 weeks later...

i feel really uncomfortable right now. inwardly restless. maybe that's anxiety? i'm cold too, despite wearing like three layers, which also usually means anxiety. i went for a drive earlier to see if that would help. i didn't want to sing along to music in the car, which is a bit of personal litmus test for "am i feeling okay". really i want to curl up under a blanket. too late for a nap today, though.

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How is everyone doing these days? How are you occupying/taking care of yourself?

It's the same sh&t different day here.... Tough to believe it's 2021, a new year, with the pandemic having no clear end in sight. Wake me when it's over.

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Mostly OK, with the usual ups and downs. Haven't thought about suicide all week. Yay! Sounds grimmer saying that out loud. Been studying so haven't been here much. Sinking into schizoid ways even though I don't really believe that I am a schizoid anymore. Books are better than people! Why am I so depressed? Something to do with not talking to anyone maybe? Yay! I finally understand how a resting potential is maintained but nobody loves me. But I'm OK, despite all the miserable shit I just came out with.

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My DX is empty because I really don't know. Probably dysthymia (persistent or chronic depressive disorder) if I had to give it a name. Trying to get help didn't help much. I did try but I think I scared the shit out of the CBT guy with a pony tail, and he referred me somewhere else. The somewhere else rejected me because there was no evidence that I'm a schizoid, which is something I mentioned to pony tail guy. Though I didn't think I was, just said the symptoms were similar. But I did previously think I was a schizoid. Don't know if everyone is familiar with that particular personality disorder. It's yer fundamental asocial personality. But I'm going on too much. Not having a diagnosis and a name to call it can be a problem. Maybe I'm just a miserable arsehole. Hell, there really isn't any doubt that there's something wrong with me. This sounds like I'm rambling but it does have something to do with how I feel right now.

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I'm a mess really. Controlled demolition? It's spring break! Get my tits out for the boys! Been pushing it down. Keep looking ahead and ignore the weirdo telling you that your life is fucked and you should kill yourself. Nah nah nah! Can't hear you. I don't really mean it I think. Trying to swallow that shit gives you indigestion. Spring break! Get my metaphorical depressing tits out and scream. I hate myself, I hate myself, blah blah blah. It's OK to feel like this sometimes. Makes me edgy and interesting. It's not OK. I don't want to own this, hate this part of me, which isn't helpful. Life does just seem too hopeless sometimes. What the fuck am I doing? It's a lost cause. I know I'm sounding crazy. I'm not having a crisis. Just venting. Vomit it all out. Can't bury it so go on, let it out. Listen to Nine Inch Nails to your heart's content. "Poisoned to my rotten core, too fucked up to care anymore!" Get it out of your system. I'm fine really, just having a weird moment.

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