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How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?


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Aww Blah! Tends to work the other way for me and it's nights where I feel like that. Mornings usually start OK and it goes downhill from there. It's still crap whichever way around it is. Have you tried looking on the bright side and realising that it's all in your head, and other fucking insultingly stupid advice? Cheer up! Fuck off! Sorry, not sure how I got on to talking about this but I definitely don't approve of saying such things.

I've been struggling to feel stable recently. Stable isn't great anyway. Stable is the usual negative shit which keeps me safe and keeps me alone. Being unstable isn't so bad when looked at like that. Unstable is opening myself up more to the world, which can go fucking badly, and I expect it to go fucking badly. But living in a hole isn't an option either, and often it doesn't go badly when I actually bother to talk to people. Wish I could learn a lesson from that which didn't need to be constantly relearned. I talked to someone and they didn't seem to hate me, so I felt good about myself for a few hours. Always comes back again. Worthless and stupid. People will destroy you. And it's fucking stupid, and not borne out by experience, but I always end up back there. Stable is a familiar misery while unstable just me trying to live and being afraid of everything. That's probably not the typical way those words are used and it probably sounds like I'm being a smug arsehole. I'm not smug! (But not denying that I'm an arsehole. Drum-roll please!) Didn't need to point that out. I'll shut up now.

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I did get 97/100 on my bio exam. 93/100 in RMS. I should give myself some fucking credit. I'm like an intelligent guy, and my brain is awesome sauce and shit. Sounds boastful but I go so far in the other direction. I might not be a complete idiot is the best I can do. 97/100? Is I not genius? Fucking unlikely. Did Ok though, so maybe try to like yourself more.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Been pretty awful lately. Hopefully getting over it thanks to beer and cheap wine. Well not just that. Goes through phases and I think (hope) I'm at the end of this one. Everyone hates me. Everything is worthless. Why not plan your suicide? It gets boring thinking like that, which provides another reason to hate myself. Same old tedious bullshit you fucking prick! Why can't you fucking like yourself you arsehole? And I always react in the same stupid way. Isolate, try to limit the input to your fucked up brain, control your emotions! Push them down and stamp on them. Examine everything you say for any hint of crazy and find fault in everything you do. It's never worked in the past but maybe this time. Asking for help never really occurs to me at times like these. It's like I've shit myself, and while it would be easier if I asked someone if they had a spare pair of trousers I really don't want anyone to know that I've shit myself. Terrible analogy. Doesn't make much sense. I don't want to talk about it is what I'm saying, although that's exactly what I'm doing now. So my point is? I don't know. Saw this a while back and I like it.


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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

why the fuck am i sad? it's my day off and i even have another day off tomorrow and on top of that i even have something SOCIAL planned! why do i feel empty? this happens on my weekend every time, no matter if i fill it with things to do or leave it empty. it's stupid.

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