Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?


IndieVisible

Recommended Posts

Aww Blah! Tends to work the other way for me and it's nights where I feel like that. Mornings usually start OK and it goes downhill from there. It's still crap whichever way around it is. Have you tried looking on the bright side and realising that it's all in your head, and other fucking insultingly stupid advice? Cheer up! Fuck off! Sorry, not sure how I got on to talking about this but I definitely don't approve of saying such things.

I've been struggling to feel stable recently. Stable isn't great anyway. Stable is the usual negative shit which keeps me safe and keeps me alone. Being unstable isn't so bad when looked at like that. Unstable is opening myself up more to the world, which can go fucking badly, and I expect it to go fucking badly. But living in a hole isn't an option either, and often it doesn't go badly when I actually bother to talk to people. Wish I could learn a lesson from that which didn't need to be constantly relearned. I talked to someone and they didn't seem to hate me, so I felt good about myself for a few hours. Always comes back again. Worthless and stupid. People will destroy you. And it's fucking stupid, and not borne out by experience, but I always end up back there. Stable is a familiar misery while unstable just me trying to live and being afraid of everything. That's probably not the typical way those words are used and it probably sounds like I'm being a smug arsehole. I'm not smug! (But not denying that I'm an arsehole. Drum-roll please!) Didn't need to point that out. I'll shut up now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I did get 97/100 on my bio exam. 93/100 in RMS. I should give myself some fucking credit. I'm like an intelligent guy, and my brain is awesome sauce and shit. Sounds boastful but I go so far in the other direction. I might not be a complete idiot is the best I can do. 97/100? Is I not genius? Fucking unlikely. Did Ok though, so maybe try to like yourself more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

Been pretty awful lately. Hopefully getting over it thanks to beer and cheap wine. Well not just that. Goes through phases and I think (hope) I'm at the end of this one. Everyone hates me. Everything is worthless. Why not plan your suicide? It gets boring thinking like that, which provides another reason to hate myself. Same old tedious bullshit you fucking prick! Why can't you fucking like yourself you arsehole? And I always react in the same stupid way. Isolate, try to limit the input to your fucked up brain, control your emotions! Push them down and stamp on them. Examine everything you say for any hint of crazy and find fault in everything you do. It's never worked in the past but maybe this time. Asking for help never really occurs to me at times like these. It's like I've shit myself, and while it would be easier if I asked someone if they had a spare pair of trousers I really don't want anyone to know that I've shit myself. Terrible analogy. Doesn't make much sense. I don't want to talk about it is what I'm saying, although that's exactly what I'm doing now. So my point is? I don't know. Saw this a while back and I like it.

q2qoodzll4r61.jpg?width=960&crop=smart&a

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

why the fuck am i sad? it's my day off and i even have another day off tomorrow and on top of that i even have something SOCIAL planned! why do i feel empty? this happens on my weekend every time, no matter if i fill it with things to do or leave it empty. it's stupid.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

Always worried about outstaying my welcome. Being paranoid? Maybe. Suicidal fantasies are never a good sign. Ooh drama! Am I interesting yet? But it's boring. So so fucking boring thinking the same damn thoughts over and over again. Do I mean it this time? Probably more bullshit psychodrama, although I'm usually the only person in the audience. Go on like this and I might kill myself out of embarrassment. Not going to do it yet. Still, imagine all the ways life is going to fuck you up and how that will justify your suicide. Strangely, that helps me get to sleep. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. I'm good at the first part but haven't managed the second bit yet. But bleeeeeeeeeeh boo hoo and shit. Poor me. I'm just writing this to get it out of my head, and it sounds pathetic.  I don't know if any of this is real but it's real enough sometimes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

It's sort of slipping a bit. Or am I being dramatic? I was going to post something on the self-harm forum but thought better of it. I haven't but it's a thought. And this sounds self-pitying but I'm trying my best to convince myself that nothing is wrong. I'm doing fine. This isn't fine. I think I've casually mentioned suicide in a couple of recent replies. I'm lonely I guess. But I always have been. I can manage being around people in a superficial way but that can make you more lonely. You don't know the real me, and I can't tell you because it's all shite. I don't like me, let's share that with another person. Let's not. Say "Hello. Nice weather" and other meaningless bullshit. Yay I've interacted with another human being and I still feel alone. The fucking weather! Maybe I should have talked about my existential anxieties. Nah. He only mentioned the weather and he'd probably walk away if I asked if he sometimes felt if life is not worth living. What was it Camus said about suicide? I'm being philosophical. Nah I'm a fucking mess. I'm a piece of shit and no-body wants me. There you said it. Happy now? You know you'll regret this bullshit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear God, you read Camus? I wanted to kill myself whilst trying to get through Camus as well. For the love of Heaven, don't go anywhere near Nietzsche.

Have you considered the possibility that you've simply drawn the wrong conclusions about why things aren't well with you? Your mind considers all the deficits in your life, the lack of the things you need like companionship, interaction, and basically anything else that brings good feeling, and conclude that, in terms of causality, the cause must stem from some flaw in your self. Because what else could it be? Obviously, you think, all of this happens because you're a piece of shit and therefore worthless. It all clicks into place. A perfect explanation for the unending question: Why does this keep happening to me?

Except, of course, that's total bollocks.

A. Nellie is an elephant.
B. Nellie is pink.
C. Therefore, elephants are pink animals.

🚫 Sorry, wrong answer, thanks for playing. (Elephants aren't pink. You're just drunk.)

A. Bad things happen to worthless people because they deserve it.
B. I'm a worthless person.
C. Therefore, bad things happen to me.

🚫 Wrong again. There's no such thing as a worthless person. (And what state are you probably in while you're thinking this? Drunk? Just making the comparison.)

Disordered. Thinking.

It's nasty because it's hard to realize you're doing it while you're inside it. The solution is to stick your head outside of the mental bubble and inspect the whole thought process. It doesn't stand up to close inspection from the outside.

Wanting to hurt yourself, whether slowly by drinking, quickly by self-harm, permanently by suicide, or subtly by mental flailing, is not a normal state of a well mind. This much is clear. You are not fine. It's okay to say so. None of us is fine here. Some of us don't even remember fine. Getting to fine, I think, is most often a process of working things outward.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The Myth of Sisyphus. He was a better novelist than he was a philosopher. The Fall is amazing. "Then came human beings, they wanted to cling but there was nothing to cling to." Nice to think that my bullshit thoughts are somehow philosophical. I do realise what I'm doing, and on some level I know it's shit. There is always the thought that I somehow deserve it, and that I don't deserve anything better. Why? What did I do? I don't know. Failed to be normal maybe. Yay I'm a unique individual! But not in an interesting way. It's probably the same for many people who have mental health problems, there's so much going on in your head which you'll never be able to tell anyone about, except maybe mental health professionals. "What's been going on with you recently?" Oh nothing much. Because why would you tell anyone? You don't want to be like this and you don't want anyone to see you like this. So isolation then. That doesn't help. What helps is talking to people. You see! People don't hate you and it's OK to be you. But maybe they have a wrong impression of you. They'll probably hate you if they get to know you better. Oh shut up. I realise I'm doing it but it seems too strong sometimes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Fluent In Silence said:

I do realise what I'm doing, and on some level I know it's shit.

Exactly! So what you work on now is raising the level at which you know it's shit to a higher level. Eventually you reach the level at which you look at the shit and say to yourself, That's such shit that I'm not even going to dignify that by acknowledging it.

3 hours ago, Fluent In Silence said:

I realise I'm doing it but it seems too strong sometimes.

I know. I didn't say it was easy. I graduated from I'm a piece of shit and then unfortunately decided to do postgraduate work inThe Universe is a piece of shit and I'm still there working on my thesis in Existential Despair. I've heard that some people who graduate from IPOS go on to lead reasonably satisfying lives. I wouldn't know, myself, but I can easily see how that would be true. Most people avoid the higher-level degrees in misery for a reason.

A few weeks ago, I went kayaking on our local river. Upstream. The Green River is a languid thing, no whitewater, nothing exciting at all. At one point over an area of rills and shallows, I passed a small flotilla of other people in kayaks and canoes floating downstream, and one of the women called out to me, in a most friendly fashion - "What are you doing, crazy!?" I smiled wryly (if she only knew) and continued paddling upstream as they passed me by. After a few moments, I suddenly realized that although I was actively paddling, the island next to me was not moving at all. Well, not that it would; rather; I was not moving at all in relation to it - the river was pushing me downstream at the same rate that I was paddling up it. I paddled harder, and advanced to a point where the river was even shallower, the current correspondingly swifter, and the need to paddle harder even greater. At one point, the current seized hold of the bow of my kayak and turned me a full 180 degrees pointed downstream. By the time I got upstream of that area of shallows, I had to ground the kayak on the upstream end of the island and get out to rest. I was drained. The current upstream had become languid again, and I could continue. I got back in the kayak and resumed my trip in greater ease. But the thing about going upstream is, you can never stop paddling. The moment you do, the current pushes you back. Slowly, or swiftly, the pressure is always pushing. You can never quit striving against it if you want to get to your destination.

Depression is a river. Sometimes the current is a slow, oily creep, sometimes a torrent of black, swirling water through jagged rocks. Sometimes there are places where you can get out and rest, sometimes not. If you're lucky you might find a way to portage around the most impassable stretches. But your destination is upstream, and you will never get there if you stop paddling. One day someone will invent an outboard motor that will work in this water, but for now, all we have is the paddle.

4 hours ago, Fluent In Silence said:

"What's been going on with you recently?" Oh nothing much. Because why would you tell anyone? You don't want to be like this and you don't want anyone to see you like this. So isolation then.

I get this too. I get this far too late. I let all the friendships I made in high school and college drift away, save two people, for this exact reason: Because I knew that if I contacted them they would say, "So how have you been?" And because I'm Autistic, I knew I would automatically tell them the truth. And the truth was grim, and sad, and I absolutely refused to pull all of my friends down into the Abyss with me. I would rather see them from afar in their happy lives than have those lives darkened by the stain of mine. Even in telling you this I'm breaking my cardinal rule: Don't Spread Your Miasma. If you could perceive it, you would see an aura around me, a dark halo of negative energy like a malevolent nebula that infuses my entire existence. Everything I do, everthing I touch, every relationship I have with people, this miasma ultimately works into it and darkens it. Without fail. So I pull back, to protect the people around me... from me.

Fortunately, I have never seen anything quite like this in anyone else. Other people have negative auras (not that I can actually "see auras" or any such New Age-y hoo-hoo) but I can sometimes sense a negative radiance from some people (politicians are especially vile). I think it may have to do with the fact that as an Autist I can't read their body language and facial expressions in the neurotypical way, and have had to cultivate a different set of perceptions to gauge the people I meet, as a survival mechanism. In any case, I have never seen anyone else manifest the kind of pervasive doom-cloud that surrounds me, and therefore I tend to have hope for the rest of you. And keep my distance.

You are right - talking to people is better. Perhaps I was wrong all along to stay away from my friends. Perhaps I could have benefitted from them. Perhaps their light would have eroded my miasma rather than the other way around. Possibly so. I strongly recommend giving it a try; I can't recommend following my example. It's hell in the Abyss. Definitely go the other way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You understand. I'm glad that you do but I'm also sorry that you do. You asked me if I was on the autism spectrum once. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I guess this isn't normal and it would be helpful to give it a name. Or a better name than fucked up. You've always been nice to me Cerberus, and I'm trying to process the idea that I might deserve that. I do find it difficult to make friends, for all the crappy reasons I mentioned. I'm often not as nice and friendly as I wish I was. Always more to do with how I think of myself. Relationships have died because I can't stand myself so why would anyone else?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You don't have to process the idea that you might deserve someone being nice to you; deserving doesn't enter into it. You don't have to earn the right to have friends. It's not a privilege. It comes standard as part of the "being a human" package. You get to expect it in the way you get to expect that the windows will roll down when you buy a car. Not only that, but it's a pretty durable feature as well - a person has to work pretty damn hard to destroy his ability to be liked by anybody. Homo sapiens are social animals (on the whole; misanthropes like me don't count). For 50,000 years, our very survival has been dependent upon our ability to clump up together because, one-on-one, we're shite against leopards. And because we found out early on that if we weren't nice to one another we ended up knifing each other to death and saving the leopards the trouble, making nice sort of became general policy, and then just a given. So you may adjust your logic accordingly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 hours ago, Fluent In Silence said:

It's probably the same for many people who have mental health problems, there's so much going on in your head which you'll never be able to tell anyone about, except maybe mental health professionals. "What's been going on with you recently?"

Being the people you say it to is literally why CB is here. Put that in your pipe and talk about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Gearhead said:

Being the people you say it to is literally why CB is here. Put that in your pipe and talk about it.

True. That's why I like you people. It is a problem with chatting to most people though. I'm fine how are you? Ahhhhh! I'm not fucking fine. But how are you? How are the kids? Not thinking about throwing yourself off a tall building because life is so fucking pathetic and futile right? No? Oh good! Say hello to your wife for me. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Similar Content

    • By Angeni Mai
      Lately I've been finding myself believing that there are kangaroos and camels in the backyard but later recognize them as deer. It makes no sense because neither kangaroo nor camel are native to my country. 

      Additionally, I've been having issues with thinking I'm speaking with people and then when I ask them what we were just talking about, they either say we haven't talked about anything for a while or that we were talking about something completely unrelated to what I thought the conversation was. 

      Any ideas of what the Hell might be going on here? I've never had something like this happen persistently up until a few months ago but now it's really becoming a concern. I start seeing a new psychiatrist on the 15th of March, and will bring all of this up, but I kind of wonder if anyone can give me a glimmer of insight of what might be happening here. 
    • By sscott
      Some of my voices tell me their names, and they refer to each other by those names. But the names they use are those of people I have known. I think they intentionally do this as part of an ongoing attempt to induce me to make mistakes and incorrectly think they are humans. But why would an hallucination(s) have motives?
      Furthermore, they actually acknowledge that they do have motives. Often, their stated motive is to cause me to have what they call “a hang-over”, which is a term they use that describes the problems that occur in the real world after misattributing their identity. For example, if I am psychotic or stressed, or if I am reality checking for some reason, I might react to who they ‘say’ they are by posting something incriminating, embarrassing or defamatory on Facebook. But having motives is not the only surprising and inexplicable trait my voices have. They also plan things, they have meetings, and one of them runs a training school in which I am the subject that the students (other voices) use to practice cruelty towards.
      But what really does me in, is an implied association between my voices and my feelings, and I do not mean the feelings I get as a result of hearing certain things, and I do not mean emotions. I mean things like twitching, very increased heart rate, ‘hot flushes’, cramps etc. My voices repeatedly ask “did you feel that?”, as though they are checking whether something they have done has worked. I also occasionally have absolutely terrible feelings that I struggle to be able to describe, and my voices will start ‘saying’ that the shit feelings I am having are a punishment for something that I have recently done.
      But to suggest that my feelings are somehow causally related to my voices is to suggest that my voices have agency, which is absurd. So I am really keen to hear from other people if they suspect that their voices impact their feelings (not moods or emotions) in a determinate, causal way. By this I mean that the voices do something that causes or changes feelings, that is, do your voices ever actually perpetrate changes in your feelings?
    • By Unstrung Harp
      I have changed the name of my blog. My apologies about any potential copyright infringement committed upon other CB bloggers with turtle-themed blogs. The shared turtleness is mere coincidence. I was thinking about this:

      turtles all the way down

      This summer's lesson from the trenches: intense feelings will not kill you (provided you are properly medicated. Please ask your doctor about what he or she can do for you). They will not kill you. You may wish they would. You may feel like they might. But they will not actually kill you. They may drive you to distraction, bring tears and anxiety, make you feel like you are going crazy. And in many ways they are preferable to the alternative. Feeling is part of the human condition. It's good to have a lesson in that now and again. It is good to know that after 27 years as an adult, and many years of therapy, I have internalized a healthy message, which is: feelings will not kill you. Not even intense ones, or ones that feel wrong, or ones that are out of sync with other feelings. That is both comforting and frustrating, but, strangely for me, more comforting than anything else at the moment, even though I feel sort of terrible at the moment. Sometimes you're just going to go through some shit. And maybe going through some shit can be a reminder that you are alive, and have agency in the world, and choices. Good lessons.

      I am capable of learning.

      And it's nice to know that after all of these years together, pdoc/tdoc and I still have things to talk about.

      Yesterday I walked two miles, fueled by a combination of sleep deprivation, adderall, anger, worry and anxiety. But I walked two miles. Forward progression.
×
×
  • Create New...