Hello....I'm absolutely not OK

[Woody]

Hello

 

I'm Woody, some one called me that the other day so I thought I would go with that name. I also loved Toy story when I was a kid.

Not very good at summarising so apologise, this will possible turn into an essay. Will probably also provide far to much information too but not good at knowing what to say or what not to say. so either I say nothing or everything.

 

I'm female (23) though normally I feel a lot younger. 

 

Found CB when googling about SI. Or more, reasons why I shouldn't. 

So that covers one part of why I am here. I've been self harming since I was about 13. starting with taking overdoses and then moving on to cutting. I hadn't done it in seven weeks till last week. and I'm trying not to do it again... I wonder how long that will last. Em history.. I've been hospitalised 6 times I think starting when I was 14 last time a few months ago. I've been diagnosed with ASD (Asperger's Syndrome specifically) with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome) ADD, ODD, Dyspepsia, Dyslexia, Synsnasia And Sensory Processing disorder. Took quite a while to be diagnosed with anything but when I did got a load at once.

 

Currently doing Schema therapy once a week. It helps but is really hard. This week will be seventeenth session and see Pdoc (is that psychiatrist?) sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month. Was sexually abused as a kid and raped when I was 18. Em so have PTSD too (Don't know if I've actually been diagnosed with that officially but every time I see doc she refers to what going on with me under that name, I don't really care at this stage there's been so many clinical labels its overloading sometimes, and really its all just different parts of me.) I'm good a dissociating, I've been told, but I'm meant to trying not to do that cause its just away of avoiding what really going on but I am very good at avoiding too and suffer from depression with borderline behaviours (what ever that means). If I were to put all these acronyms after my name I'd look super qualified.

 

I deferred college this year (Just got through First Year) because I was too afraid to go back. Turns out I am a perfectionist and get so afraid of failure I just wont even begin. Which in itself is Failure. I'm ruled by logic but sometimes my emotions override that and I go into a state of abstract logic which may not be logic at all. But I can convince myself otherwise. 

 

Right now I feel horrible, can't eat (that parts new), cant sleep can't concentrate. Though I should maybe start writing a bit more cause this is helping a little bit. Out in the world, when I manage to go out, I hold everything in. (not by choice, not not by choice, I don't know how to explain.) I'm generally very honest, blunt. with nearly everything but how I am feeling. I just can't seem to express how I feel. I suppose I feel locked inside myself when out in the world. And I want to take control and tell the truth, say how I feel but its like I'm not in control of me. I go to say "actually no I'm absolutely not OK, I'm not coping, I feel so alone, I'm not safe." but I can't, the journey the words make from my mind to my voice feels broken. as if I have a virus there and I cant be honest in they most important way and all I can say is "I'm OK" and I'm not. at home the last few days is unbearable either I'm in tears (at least I can still cry, maybe I should see that as a good thing.) or I'm numb. sometimes its a bit like being stuck on an aeroplane, not going anywhere, with a foggy feeling in my head unable to concentrate on anything, irritated by background noise and  restless.

 

Recently I think the only thing keeping me alive is having ASD and my logical mind, being unable to believe in anything. Like faith. If I had faith I'd be dead. but I don't and I'm terrified of the unknown, too much to do anything. but I'm not really living. I'm alive, surviving but not living.. 

 

I could write a lot more but I think I've probably wrote to much already. Maybe I'll write some more in another post and maybe ill be able to be more positive another time. But today... I'm absolutely not OK.  

 

(I've read the User Agreement, but will read it again as I might forget some of it sometime.)

[CapnP]

Welcome Woody, 

 

Very sorry that you are not feeling good. I sure wish I could help u feel better. Look forward too communicating with you.

 

Patrick

[Emettman]

Hello Woody.
( I was old before Toy Story came out.)
 
"Hello....I'm absolutely not OK"

Which at least puts you ahead of those who are absolutely not OK but don't even realise it,

though it may not feel that way.

 

" If I were to put all these acronyms after my name I'd look super qualified."

This shouts Asperger's mind for intelligent observational lateral thought and dark humour.

Yes, I'm one too.  Diagnosed at age 48 

 

 

" Turns out I am a perfectionist and get so afraid of failure I just wont even begin. Which in itself is Failure. I'm ruled by logic but sometimes my emotions override that"

This also sounds somewhat familiar, though not a match 

(Two word description of autistic people: "we vary".  For three word description add "enormously.")

What helped me (which may not help you) was realising and considering the engineer's idea of perfection:

"Within tolerance"

"Good enough for the job"

Any extra time, effort, worry or money spent trying to get more perfect than that is wasted, and so represents a shift away from perfection, niot towards it.

Sometimes "good enough" will require effort and a high standard.  But sometimes it doesn't, and it's not logical to waste resources, there, trying for a perfection that is unnecessary (might be frustratingly impossible, too!)

 

Just my take.

Once again, hello and welcome.

Chris.

[The Emperor]

Hey there! 

 

That thing about being a perfectionist really hit home with me. I'm a failure because I'm a perfectionist. That makes perfect sense to me. Though I tend to half-ass everything because you know, if I tried my best, it wouldn't be perfect. Yeah ... okay. True though.

 

I'm working on accepting good enough. Everyone knows "perfect" isn't a real thing when it comes to personal ability and successes. I've known people to have PERFECT GPA's. I don't want to find out I'm not as smart, I guess.

 

either way, good enough is better than failure. Need to know that myself. I am not on the autistic spectrum though. It's just a weird thing I have.

 

That's quite a bit that you have going on there. I'm actually going to have to google a couple of those.

 

I hope you like it here! Good place. Not perfect, but that also makes it lovely

[stevenbell]

Hi Woody, thanks for sharing. Would you say that all your problems stem from childhood sex abuse? I have certainly found it to be true in my case.

As for Schema therapy, I have found it to be very useful in my case. However it is usually a long process (over a year in my case) .... but keep at it. Problem I found when doing CBT was that I was overly dissociated from the process.

In any event, thanks for sharing & please forgive any typos and spelling mistake as I fall far short from being a perfectionist ;-)

[Woody]

Hi, thanks for all the replies I'm feeling a bit better now. Hyper though so not sure I'll sleep.em 're perfectionist. I never thought I was one till awhile ago. I always thought I was the opposite. I know perfect doesn't exsist. But it's one of those illogical things even though I know Its not there and I'm not ever going to get there. And I don't particularly want to get there. I still panic about it. I supose it doesn't really make a lot of sense. I don't like things that don't make sense but there seems to be a lot thread days. Em no I don't Think all my problems are from the child sex abuse. It's definitely impacted and caused a lot of problems but not all. I was quite aloof before any of that. I think having Asd complicates things a lot. Maybe some of the problems I have if I didn't have asd would be easier to deal with but then again some other stuff is less of a challange cause I have asd. Asd always reminds me of bipolar a litle but it extremes highs and lows of everthing. There's not a lot of balance. That is not articulated well at all. and rather erelevant. Sorry. I'm not making a lot of sense.but thanks for the replies. I'm glad I came across this place on the web.

[Emettman]

"Asd always reminds me of bipolar a litle but it extremes highs and lows of everthing. There's not a lot of balance"

 

 

Yes.  We can hit both "too much and "too little" problems, even in the same area, especially compared to how those more socially normal (statistically only)  would generally like is to act.

Notice too much and too little, both  (different ideas about what's important and interesting, or swamped by sensory overload)

Say too much and too little   

Care too much and too little ( according to what we find important and interesting, as against more "standard" senses of priority.)

And so on.

 

Yes, not often "middle of the road."

 

Chris.