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So basically im dead inside.
I currently being emotionaly dull, i cant feel any motivation or desire to live, despite that im still doing my everyday things, going to college, working out, doing my usual duties and chores.
The thing is that i have an schizoid disorder, and im very paranoid.
I posted in addiction because one of the most destructive things is my addction to many things.
I smoke, not weed, regular cigarettes, the thing is that my parents think that i quited smoking but i dont, i wanna quit to, i hate it, and i hate it because my parents are well known religious leaders in my town and a lot of people know them and know me, when i smoke outside im always paranoid, i dont wanna live this way, my paranoia is getting worse but i always end up smoking again because my friends smoke and i always fall but i wanna quit.
If my parents get to know that i still smoke they probably stop paying my colleges fees, a lot of people know them and can snitch on me.
I have this fight, i cant keep going anymore, at the same time smoking helps me cope whit my side effectos made by my antipsychotics, but they dont understand, they always judge merciless even do im an adult in my twenties.
Can anyone give advice, all advice is very helpful.
I believe in God and believe I believe in Jesus and the Gospel, though I'm not sure. I'm holding on to belief and prayer (specially the rosary) to help me through the hard times I'm going through. I don't work going on 10 years now and am scared of people and interaction with strangers. That's why I don't work. I'm very anxious and can't seem to have peace of mind (maybe because I lost mine 16 years ago).
I try to hold on to religion, though I'm not a church goer (because of having to go out), but whatever I do I have no peace.
My schizoaffective disorder never gave me hallucinations and gives me few delusions, mostly the fear of people.
I can't seem to find peace in God and nowhere else. I'm lost. What can I do? I have no friends I can talk to and I started psychotherapy some weeks ago, but it doesn't give me any relief nor I feel compfortable there. What can I do?
I'm on my meds, quit smoking, quit porn and masturbation to get rid of anxiety but I have more of it, being locked inside the house 24/7. I'm not able to go out, only at lunch time down the street to have a coffee. I feel very insecure and fearful. If God doesn't help me what can? I'm lost.
If you pray hard enough, you can make water run uphill. That's what science fiction author Robert A. Heinlein said.
"If you pray hard enough, you can make water run uphill"
"How had do you have to pray?"
"Why, hard enough to make water run uphill."
I can't tell you how often I've heard people say things like that - if only I prayed hard enough, had strong enough faith, tried hard enough, worked hard enough... then the illness would be healed. And I'd live happily ever after. And maybe get a unicorn for Christmas...
The gimmick is that no matter how hard I tried, if I didn't get better, I didn't try hard enough. It's my fault.
How convenient for the healers.
I was the perfect child. A little stubborn, perhaps. For the most part, I was happy, loving, I cared for people, my main goals in life was to help others. As I hit middle school, anxiety hit. I was worried 27/7 about being popular. I became anorexic in 7th grade, in fear of getting fat. I was taking in a max of 200 calories for a whole year. When summer came, I got my first and only boyfriend. My self esteem increased dramatically! I got in honors in orchestra and second to honors in choir (which I worked my ass off the whole mother fucking year for). Then my boyfriend broke up with me.
I started self harming because I couldn't take the fucking pain. School came back around, now I had a new habit on top of anorexia. After 2 days into school, my mother went through my text messages, and found the ones to my boyfriend. I sent him a message saying "OH MY FUCKING GOD" in it, because I was so mad at him. My mother, in response to it, smashed my phone 10 times, threw it in the toilet, and made me switch schools, on my birthday (may I also say that she didn't make me switch schools because of self harm or my eating disorder, but because I said "the lords name in vain").
This happened over a year ago, all my hard work crushed to pieces. I don't practice my violin anymore. Instead of anorexic, I now have a binge eating disorder and am overweight. The school I go to now is a super conservative christian school that is extremely homophobic, which I'm a benegender pansexual (my mother almost kicked me out of the house after I told her that I am one). My mom won't let me have a phone or go to public school because she's "worried about my spirituality". I feel so fucking trapped that I want to die. Does anyone have a problem where their parents are so oppressive that they want to kill themselves?
Saw this article on from the NYTimes (The Feel-Good Gene, Richard A. Friedman), and while its quite long, it is fascinating. Boiled down, people are genetically hardwired to be more or less anxious, depending upon a certain mutation of a gene. It also talks a lot about how cannabis eases anxiety, but also interferes with memory and learning. So how to take this knowledge and use it for good... hm...
"In short, some people are prone to be less anxious simply because they won the genetic sweepstakes and randomly got a genetic mutation that has nothing at all to do with strength of character."
"The fact is that we are all walking around with a random and totally unfair assortment of genetic variants that make us more or less content, anxious, depressed or prone to use drugs. Some people might find it a relief to discover that they had a genetic variant that made them naturally more anxious — that they were wired for anxiety, not weak — even if right now there is no exact fix."
"What we really need is a drug that can boost anandamide — our bliss molecule — for those who are genetically disadvantaged. Stay tuned."
I find this very interesting, and hopeful. And validating. I'm NOT weak. I'm wired this way. And while the things I do to deal with it are not always the best things, there may come a day when I can boost this anandamide without losing memory or inhibit learning... and feel better.
For those interested, here's the link: