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1 hour ago, Schizophrenic_Sanity said:

Thanks, I didn't think anyone on here read my posts hahaha.  I'm more optimistic as of late it's just there's been lots of happenings that I probably no really shouldn't go into much detail about.  Just family stuff, I'll put it that way.  

 

Emotionally nothing is there and I'm used to that. that's an all the time thing and has been for years.  Physically I feel like utter shit, I live in a fuckton of chronic pain I'd rather not explain and it's been all flaring up so bad lately.  About three nights ago I had a pain attack and I was writhing in pain half the night, I'm just thankful I avoided the hopsital because fuck ythat.

 

What that was is within.  Sort of in a manner of speaking.  My head's a messy place as usual, but emotionally nothing is there... can't be scared, can't be sad, can't connect to anyone worth a fuck on that level... I have to use my thoughts and well everyone knows my thoughts get me into trouble because they're not my thoughts, ythe fuckers. 

 

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday which is what I wanted to say in the fucking first pla e god I can ramble... She increased the dose on one of my AP's, everyone close to me lately has said I'm off my rocker I don't see it but I listen to people who love me at least I try to.  

 

I just want to avoid another... decade, like this past one... fuck, ten years... shit it never goes away.  Noneo f it does and i'm fucking tired.  Is tired a feeling I don't think so it's just physical, like  just.  I don't know how to explain it but they stole what little emotional range I had in the first place years ago and now I'm like an ice person, nothing there.  If I had the capacity to be scared of all this I would be but I can't be scared.  I can say if I had my emotions I would be scared right now but I don't so it's just... this big yarn ball of nothing and it's all coming apart at the seams and I'm nothing, too. Not in the self hatred way, I am just actually literally a void of just nothing.

 

When will I learn that the plots will all occur without time.  What a fucked up illusion this time thing it makes everything fucked up.  Lol.  Who actually lols when they type that I don't. 

Its a community on here and I have noticed that everyone answers each other, even if its just a few words to acknowledge what someone has written and to say OK I hear you and see you and I think that is a positive and good thing on this site! I truly do....

I think you are on the money to listen to people who are close to you and love you cause they always have your best interests at heart.... they really do...

I hope the increase in the AP does the trick and you are feeling better soon, I enjoy reading your posts!!! Best to you xxx

22 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

The gastroscopy went ok today.  Have gastritis still, but no ulcers.  He took some biopsies today also, but don't have those results yet.  Blood work I'm not sure of the results yet either.

Excellent news Mel... ulcers are definitely "yuk in a truck..." I am sure the biopsy etc will show you are healthy and well... I do! x

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You insinuated. That is all. I'm done. Blocking!

Take a year off and get yourself stable, I've had to do that before. Breaking for a year with the intention of returning is better than flunking out. You can fix it with the school now so you can come

Oh, it's officially been over a year since my last hospitalization for psychiatric reasons and my last trip to the psychiatric emergency room. Finally!

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2 hours ago, Schizophrenic_Sanity said:

Thanks, I didn't think anyone on here read my posts hahaha.  I'm more optimistic as of late it's just there's been lots of happenings that I probably no really shouldn't go into much detail about.  Just family stuff, I'll put it that way.  

Yup. Chickenlips got it right. I always read your posts too. I'm sorry you're in so much physical pain.

 

24 minutes ago, Chickenlips said:

Its a community on here and I have noticed that everyone answers each other, even if its just a few words to acknowledge what someone has written and to say OK I hear you and see you and I think that is a positive and good thing on this site! I truly do....

 

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38 minutes ago, Chickenlips said:

Its a community on here and I have noticed that everyone answers each other, even if its just a few words to acknowledge what someone has written and to say OK I hear you and see you and I think that is a positive and good thing on this site! I truly do....

I think you are on the money to listen to people who are close to you and love you cause they always have your best interests at heart.... they really do...

I hope the increase in the AP does the trick and you are feeling better soon, I enjoy reading your posts!!! Best to you xxx

Thank you. I have a hard tlife time interacting with people but I do try when j can its just yeah. I try to trust that nobody wants me poisoned frankly it's hard for me to take my mess sometimes.

11 minutes ago, iaawal said:

Yup. Chickenlips got it right. I always read your posts too. I'm sorry you're in so much physical pain.

 

 

Thank you, it gets worse then better I just kind of have to ride it out. xxx

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I think the latuda is making me crash in the middle of the day. I take it in the morning because it's activating and then I'm just absolutely exhausted. Like not sleepy, but more like 'I've done so much that I'm just mentally exhausted.' I had this problem with the wellbutrin and it took a few weeks to find the right dose and time - morning and three 150mg pills. 

Also I have so much less interest in everything even the things I've been enjoying recently like youtube, makeup, binge watching netflix, etc. And I can't stand to listen to anything other than 70's bands, which I'm not complaining but I'm not enjoying music I normally enjoy as well. I basically just spend the entire day wishing the hours can go by faster so it can be nighttime and I can sleep. I've been napping just to sleep through the day so I'm awake for a shorter period of time because the day is such a chore to get through. Ugh. I think I'll send an email to my pdoc. 

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22 minutes ago, iaawal said:

I think the latuda is making me crash in the middle of the day. I take it in the morning because it's activating and then I'm just absolutely exhausted. Like not sleepy, but more like 'I've done so much that I'm just mentally exhausted.' I had this problem with the wellbutrin and it took a few weeks to find the right dose and time - morning and three 150mg pills. 

Also I have so much less interest in everything even the things I've been enjoying recently like youtube, makeup, binge watching netflix, etc. And I can't stand to listen to anything other than 70's bands, which I'm not complaining but I'm not enjoying music I normally enjoy as well. I basically just spend the entire day wishing the hours can go by faster so it can be nighttime and I can sleep. I've been napping just to sleep through the day so I'm awake for a shorter period of time because the day is such a chore to get through. Ugh. I think I'll send an email to my pdoc. 

I'm taking Latuda and I'm having the exact same kinds of problems. 

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4 minutes ago, Schizophrenic_Sanity said:

I'm taking Latuda and I'm having the exact same kinds of problems. 

That sucks so bad. I wonder if it is the Latuda causing that then. Stupid meds - treat one thing, fuck up another. 

The capital letters thing sounds frustrating!

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1 hour ago, iaawal said:

I think the latuda is making me crash in the middle of the day. I take it in the morning because it's activating and then I'm just absolutely exhausted. Like not sleepy, but more like 'I've done so much that I'm just mentally exhausted.' I had this problem with the wellbutrin and it took a few weeks to find the right dose and time - morning and three 150mg pills. 

Also I have so much less interest in everything even the things I've been enjoying recently like youtube, makeup, binge watching netflix, etc. And I can't stand to listen to anything other than 70's bands, which I'm not complaining but I'm not enjoying music I normally enjoy as well. I basically just spend the entire day wishing the hours can go by faster so it can be nighttime and I can sleep. I've been napping just to sleep through the day so I'm awake for a shorter period of time because the day is such a chore to get through. Ugh. I think I'll send an email to my pdoc. 

Ok - bear with me here - but what do you think about Post Psychotic Depression... I started a new topic on it in this forum.... hmmm are you coming out of psychotic thinking and as a consequence falling into a "slump", are you? Hmmmmm possibly... I mean that is the way it is supposed to work... yes it is... so..... just a thought.... x

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3 minutes ago, Chickenlips said:

Ok - bear with me here - but what do you think about Post Psychotic Depression... I started a new topic on it in this forum.... hmmm are you coming out of psychotic thinking and as a consequence falling into a "slump", are you? Hmmmmm possibly... I meant that is the way it is supposed to work... so..... just a thought.... x

I saw that topic but I couldn't gather my thoughts/remember the past well enough to post anything. OMG. 

I have experienced that before. Sometimes it's just sad depression. During college that happened often. In the middle of my first semester my psychosis took the lead and then it eventually calmed a bit and I was suicidal, depressed, weepy, etc. 

A while back, I had something similar to what I'm experiencing now. Though I'm not sure if it was the risperdal that I took for a short time (which made hallucinate and I don't do that very often aside from olfactory ones) or stopping the risperdal and starting Saphris or something else entirely. It was around the time my evil mind left (comes out during psychosis - she's been gone lately) and everything was just blah and empty, zero concentration and I thought I no longer loved my boyfriend or my cat. Adding the wellbutrin actually helped get me out of the blah/empty slump into a normal shitty slump. By that time I was on 80mg of prozac as well. It did nothing for the slump since I was on it for about 5 months before starting the wellbutrin - but it was great for anxiety.

Also when I crash after mania the cycle tends to be mania --> crash --> psychosis (I always end up in a corner inside a dark closet or under a desk LOL!) --> depression and then things eventually level out to normal psychotic, depressed shitty-ness.

This time, however, I feel this way but I'm still psychotic. Same delusions as always. People are reading my mind/spying/following me/pretty sure my neighbor is a spy who was hired to kill me, etc. 

 

So to sum it up, I've experienced post psychotic depression before. 

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4 hours ago, iaawal said:

This time, however, I feel this way but I'm still psychotic. Same delusions as always. People are reading my mind/spying/following me/pretty sure my neighbor is a spy who was hired to kill me, etc. 

Yes that is nice and clear and it seems you have a good handle on what is going on for you iaawal... yes indeed, you do... it appears medication and your pdoc are the way forward... xx

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Pdoc was trying me on ativan (replacing from xanax ODT) and told me it was dissolvable under my tongue.  Well I tried that and after waiting for it to dissolve for about 10 minutes, it wouldn't dissolve, even with extra saliva over it.  And I am not dehydrated.

So I just emailed him letting him know it didn't work.  I think he did it for the sake of the prior auths, so he can now say that I have been on ativan but it doesn't work like the xanax ODT did.  For me I need something that instantly works when I am stressed out/anxious, especially when I first start feeling it.  And ativan doesn't cut it.  I ended up swallowing the pill that i had tried to dissolve under my tongue while I was not stressed so I knew ahead of time if it worked for me.  Come to find out that it didn't.  I think it worked in general, just not with that immediate reaction I need.  The prior auth for the xanax ODT hasn't come back yet from the insurance company, so I am hoping it just goes through.

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14 hours ago, iaawal said:

That sucks so bad. I wonder if it is the Latuda causing that then. Stupid meds - treat one thing, fuck up another. 

The capital letters thing sounds frustrating!

yes it is frustrating i keep thinking of something and it keeps snapping me out like what am i even going on with but it's definitely a problem. at least for now. 

 

i cant ant think of anything that would be causing this problem except the latuda. I don't have this problem with my other ap (it's haldol). it's weird all the med that should make me tired don't and vice versa it's crazy. yeah treat one thing fuck up other things. sucks doesn't it...

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i had a good morning, i sing at my local church. i'm not religious but i love to sing so i did that to help with the whole getting too far in my head syndrome thing. i don't interact with people very well but i at least say hi to people and that seems... okay..? like it's not terrible but i wish i coudl connect worht a damb a lot of the time it's like why is basic human being functional functioning things so fucking hard for me.  i'm frustrated and i'm so done with the red lines in my posts telling me i spelled something wrong because i don't see it and it annoys me... except though i went back and read some of my old topics and it was like holy fuck i was even more out of my mind back then.  fuck you insight you heartless little bitch.  

 

i'm not sure what's me anymore. when i didn't have insight like ever at all i at least felt like a person, like life meant something. now with this in and out insight thingy it's like uh... i don't know it's trippy and it's fucking with my head which is exactly what they want, further head fucking which makes me think that "insight" is just a part of the whole plot in the grand scheme of things to make me aware of how fucked up it all is when they're contrlling my mind and my every action i do things on orders i am not my own agent never want aws j you know i fucking try so hard i take my meds and all that stuff i read though that a third of schizophrenics only respond partially to medicaiton and in my flashes of inghsith i can see that i'm in that third, like iget some relief on meds but not full remission, like the word remission has bever been on the table for me even remotely the enire tie m ive been sick

 

i'm scared, everything's too loud and too quiet all at the same time. i love being alive yet i don't feel alive, i don't feel like a person which again that's what they wanted... took a PRN med at request of support person so i don't know maybe that'll help but i don't know wht i need help with exactly it's like well screw you i'm fucking fine i just need to figure out when i stopped being human among other tings.

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1 hour ago, dancingteapot said:

Gah stupid counselor hasn't showed up yet...been waiting all afternoon.

I have dinner plans so if they come while I'm out then fuck 'em

Pissing me off.

I'm sorry that sucks. This has happened to me countless times with my team. 

I don't know if I should try the PHP thing again or not. I've done it before. I don't want med changes or anything. Idk. 

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On 2/14/2016 at 4:15 PM, Schizophrenic_Sanity said:

i'm sorry that fucking sucks... i hate that whole "hurry up and wait" rhetoric.  

They never showed...I'm definitely bitching them out when I see them next...which is supposed to be tomorrow

On 2/14/2016 at 4:56 PM, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I'm sorry that sucks. This has happened to me countless times with my team. 

I don't know if I should try the PHP thing again or not. I've done it before. I don't want med changes or anything. Idk. 

I've done PHP a load of times. They never fucked with my meds because they let it me have a private pdoc so the program couldn't mess with mine. The good thing about PHP is it gets you out of the house. I'm sure there is more to it but they never worked out for me hence I was put into this outreach crap.

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18 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Pdoc was trying me on ativan (replacing from xanax ODT) and told me it was dissolvable under my tongue.  Well I tried that and after waiting for it to dissolve for about 10 minutes, it wouldn't dissolve, even with extra saliva over it.  And I am not dehydrated.

So I just emailed him letting him know it didn't work.  I think he did it for the sake of the prior auths, so he can now say that I have been on ativan but it doesn't work like the xanax ODT did.  For me I need something that instantly works when I am stressed out/anxious, especially when I first start feeling it.  And ativan doesn't cut it.  I ended up swallowing the pill that i had tried to dissolve under my tongue while I was not stressed so I knew ahead of time if it worked for me.  Come to find out that it didn't.  I think it worked in general, just not with that immediate reaction I need.  The prior auth for the xanax ODT hasn't come back yet from the insurance company, so I am hoping it just goes through.

I have generic ativan, 1mg. It's a tablet and says "Watson" on one side and "241 | 1" on the other. And they dissolved under my tongue the last time I used one. It took about a minute, more or less. 

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5 hours ago, iaawal said:

I have generic ativan, 1mg. It's a tablet and says "Watson" on one side and "241 | 1" on the other. And they dissolved under my tongue the last time I used one. It took about a minute, more or less. 

I have the 0.5 mg pills and I can't read what is written on them because they are too small.

 

ETA:  Thanks for letting me know about the 1 mg pills being dissolvable.

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Mmmmmm made myself some creamy Millet for dinner and it was pretty Yum!

Am doing more hours of work this week and enjoying it and I am finally climbing out of that awful, scraping the bottom of the barrel depression... **phew** I mean it was super yuk in a truck and I couldn't see the light... just not sure if it is the Amisulpride OR if it is just a natural progression.... oh but the Amisulpride has definitely quietened down the delusions... yes it has..... xx

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