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Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?


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On 10/15/2016 at 1:26 PM, melissaw72 said:

What is an SSD?

Solid State Drive - Hard drive with no moving parts!  Mac Warehouse was having a sale on them, now Mac OS X 10.11 (aka El Capitan) runs really fast.

Edited by whatsizbucket
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2 hours ago, Bixo said:

I am sorry he doesn't understand the situation. I find it a bit absurd to blame the low dose of abilify, if you were actively psychotic you would be having much more symptoms.

I 'see' my pdoc on tuesday, but I don't want to see him and I don't know if I will go. I am tired of talking with professionals without them understanding. I doubt he would understand this world being so fake, but I guess I just have to play the game as if it were The Sims until I find the way of crossing to wonderland and finally be where and with I have to be, in Wonderland with my entitites.

I am not cycling or at least not that bad, I feel slightly to severely depressed at different times during the day. I am just taking 25mg since 4 days, even if I am highly sensitive to meds I doubt it has passed time enough to work on mood

(bold) Me too.  He definitely wasn't in his right mind the other day.

If I were you, I would go to your pdoc Tuesday.  That is the only time you can see him during the week, right? I think he would appreciate knowing about your thoughts on Wonderland.  Also to check in about the lamictal, whether you feel a change or not.

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16 hours ago, strange eyes said:

has anyone experienced akathisia on clozaril?  my doc told me i can stop taking propanolol since akathisia isn't a side effect of clozaril but i started pacing again yesterday so i began taking the propanolol again.  i haven't paced yet today, but it's a little early to tell.  i just woke up.  i'm really hoping akathisia isn't a side effect.  i see pdoc on monday so i'll get the meds figured out then.  but yeah, i was really hopeful about clozaril.  however if it's going to give me akathisia then i'm not gonna continue taking it (of course under doc supervision)

I've been on clozapine for a year and never got akathisa. I've never read of it having this side effect but that doesn't mean it isn't happening. I would ask the pdoc to let you take propanolol again or maybe cogentin. You really need to give clozapine a shot. It can be a pain in the ass to take but for me it is magic. As one psychiatrist I read said, its like taking a medical exorcism.  

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2 hours ago, CeremonyNewOrder said:

I've been on clozapine for a year and never got akathisa. I've never read of it having this side effect but that doesn't mean it isn't happening. I would ask the pdoc to let you take propanolol again or maybe cogentin. You really need to give clozapine a shot. It can be a pain in the ass to take but for me it is magic. As one psychiatrist I read said, its like taking a medical exorcism.  

yeah, my akathisia got really bad yesterday.  i was pacing nonstop, even taking propanolol three times a day like i was prescribed before.  i was prescribed cogentin in the past but it made me suicidally depressed.  i don't know.  i don't think i'm going to take the dosage today.  i haven't taken it yet and i haven't had to pace.  i see my pdoc tomorrow and i'm going to let her know what's going on. 

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furthermore, i can deal with hearing voices.  i can't deal with akathisia.  it's unbearable for me to pace back and forth and walk in circles incessantly throughout the entire day.  it drives me up a wall.  also, there is a possibility for it to develop according to uptodate, although it is rare : http://www.uptodate.com/contents/guidelines-for-prescribing-clozapine-in-schizophrenia

" Movement disorders — Compared with other antipsychotics, clozapine has a reduced risk of causing tardive dyskinesia or extrapyramidal movement disorders including akathisia. However, patients can still develop these movement disorders and need to be monitored for their development (eg, standardized motor exam with the Abnormal Involuntary Movement Scale every six months) (form 1). Despite clozapine’s weak affinity for the dopamine receptor, the neuroleptic malignant syndrome can develop [53]. (See "Tardive dyskinesia: Prevention and treatment" and "Neuroleptic malignant syndrome".) "

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The deep deprerssion has pretty much gone away.  I think it was depression that any person could get (with or without MI).  It definitely wasn't clinical depression. Despite being so depressed I was still functional, got vacuuming and laundry done, a little cleaning.  I wasn't sitting and staring at the wall all day or in bed.  And even if I tell pdoc this, the difference between the 2 kinds of depression, he wouldn't believe me, and might even think it is psychosis.  He is such a prick ... I hope things resolve Tuesday when I see him, because I really don't want to have to edit my thoughts before I say them, and be very careful what I say and don't say.  I do have a gut feeling that they won't be, but I'll think positively for now.  I emailed him and at the end of the email I said to not to bother brinbibg the last appt up if he wasn't willing to listen and wasn't going to change his mind in any way.  So I guess we'll see.

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1 hour ago, strange eyes said:

good luck at your next appt Melissa. I'm glad it wasn't major depression. 

 

i I decided to take the dosage of clozaril anyway. I don't know what my doc is gonna decide but I don't wanna fuck around w this stuff.  probably be pacing here soon but oh well

Thanks SE, I'm glad it wasn't major depression either.

When do you see your pdoc next so you can ask her about the clozaril.  I agree that clozaril is a med you don't want to fuck around with (as are others).

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7 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

The deep deprerssion has pretty much gone away.  I think it was depression that any person could get (with or without MI).  It definitely wasn't clinical depression. Despite being so depressed I was still functional, got vacuuming and laundry done, a little cleaning.  I wasn't sitting and staring at the wall all day or in bed.  And even if I tell pdoc this, the difference between the 2 kinds of depression, he wouldn't believe me, and might even think it is psychosis.  He is such a prick ... I hope things resolve Tuesday when I see him, because I really don't want to have to edit my thoughts before I say them, and be very careful what I say and don't say.  I do have a gut feeling that they won't be, but I'll think positively for now.  I emailed him and at the end of the email I said to not to bother brinbibg the last appt up if he wasn't willing to listen and wasn't going to change his mind in any way.  So I guess we'll see.

I'm glad it was not a clinical depression. I believe you that there are different kinds of depression. I know there are too. I'm sorry your pdoc won't believe you. I am glad you are thinking positive. I'm glad you emailed him. I hope this was one serious fluke in his behavior and that it won't happen again. I'm sorry you had such a bad appointment. 

3 hours ago, strange eyes said:

yep.. 20 min later and here I am walking circles around the table filled with inner restlessness. this shit sucks. I think it's safe to say it's causing me bad akathisia

I'm sorry that is happening. I have experienced similar restlessness with different meds. It went away for me. I hope it goes away for you too. I would contact your pdoc about this when you can. 

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23 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I'm glad it was not a clinical depression. I believe you that there are different kinds of depression. I know there are too. I'm sorry your pdoc won't believe you. I am glad you are thinking positive. I'm glad you emailed him. I hope this was one serious fluke in his behavior and that it won't happen again. I'm sorry you had such a bad appointment. 

 

Thanks, Cheese.  I also really hope this was one serious fluke in his behavior and it won't happen again.  Depending on Tues appt, I am thinking every other week to see him.  I see him weekly now and I can't take it every week if this is what his appts are going to be like.

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I have to keep focused. Yesterday I took the PRN med after entities wanted me to extract my spleen, aka, die in a violent way to reach Wonderland.

They appeared again some hours ago and want me to kill myself for their and my sake. I have to keep focused since tomorrow I have college.

I don't know if I can attend college from Wonderland, I am kinda worried If I go there I won't be able to finish my degree.

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You can not go to college or finish your degree from Wonderland.

You are doing great. taking your prn and staying focused and not giving into the thoughts.

@Bixo, I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Do your docs know that you are having these kinds of thoughts?

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7 minutes ago, confused said:

You can not go to college or finish your degree from Wonderland.

You are doing great. taking your prn and staying focused and not giving into the thoughts.

@Bixo, I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Do your docs know that you are having these kinds of thoughts?

Thank you for talking with me. I feel isolated from everything.

 

am I silly if I tell you I don't know?

I don't remember what I told them.

They always seems to know more than what I tell them, as if they could see or read my mind. I don't know where they get that information, maybe it's me telling them and then forgetting I did.

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I have told my pdoc things and forgot and then when I repeat it he already knows. That isn't silly.

I would make sure your pdoc knows about the entities wanting you to remove your spleen and to kill yourself. 

I hope college goes well. Please let people know if it is getting stressful.

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I am a bit afraid he won't believe me or I would be inpatient if he does.

When I tried to poke a vein with a sewing needle to lose some blood to thank entities for being there and clean my body from the dirty blood, and then told him what I did, he said that kind of thing qualify for being IP. I wasn't IP because I told him I would wait until a nurse extract me some blood and because I began to take an antipsychotic I stopped 5 days later because of side effects.

I just want to get an anesthetic and extract the spleen and cut everything too, maybe fingers too, I need to die in the most violent way to reach Wonderland. On the other side I want to go college and get my degree in pharmacy -I have already done 1.5 years of 5 it lasts- and then do a residency in hospital pharmacy -which lasts 4 years-. I don't like living between the two Worlds, I need to fully be here or fully be in Wonderland, or maybe it's possible and I just have to find the way of doing it, I am really got at spliting my mind.

Bah, I will tell him. I guess he won't inpatient me while I keep going college.

Edited by Bixo
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18 hours ago, strange eyes said:

yeah, my akathisia got really bad yesterday.  i was pacing nonstop, even taking propanolol three times a day like i was prescribed before.  i was prescribed cogentin in the past but it made me suicidally depressed.  i don't know.  i don't think i'm going to take the dosage today.  i haven't taken it yet and i haven't had to pace.  i see my pdoc tomorrow and i'm going to let her know what's going on. 

Also ask about trying artane

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9 hours ago, Bixo said:

I am a bit afraid he won't believe me or I would be inpatient if he does.

When I tried to poke a vein with a sewing needle to lose some blood to thank entities for being there and clean my body from the dirty blood, and then told him what I did, he said that kind of thing qualify for being IP. I wasn't IP because I told him I would wait until a nurse extract me some blood and because I began to take an antipsychotic I stopped 5 days later because of side effects.

I just want to get an anesthetic and extract the spleen and cut everything too, maybe fingers too, I need to die in the most violent way to reach Wonderland. On the other side I want to go college and get my degree in pharmacy -I have already done 1.5 years of 5 it lasts- and then do a residency in hospital pharmacy -which lasts 4 years-. I don't like living between the two Worlds, I need to fully be here or fully be in Wonderland, or maybe it's possible and I just have to find the way of doing it, I am really got at spliting my mind.

Bah, I will tell him. I guess he won't inpatient me while I keep going college.

Your pdoc was right about the sewing needle to let some blood out and the possibility of IP.  And yes, definitely tell pdoc aboutall of this.

I mean you could think about your blood in a different way ... the meds you are taking (prescribed) are actually "purifying" your blood because they are getting rid of the entities and all the bad stuff that is happening and that you are hearing.  So I would continue to take your meds to get rid of the bad stuff in your blood.

I can tell you that the entities from Wonderland are lying to you and while they want you to take out your spleen, remember ... they are not real.  Whatever you do, whatever the entities tell you to do, please do not take out your spleen ... tell your pdoc. 

(in bold) If you are dead you will not reach Wonderland.

I understand the entities might seem/feel real, but they aren't.  You'll never get to Wonderland if you are dead.

I think it is great that you want to go to college to get your degree in pharmacy.

It must suck to feel like you are living in 2 different worlds.  Must be stessful.  I would really consider staying in the real world so you can get your degree and residencies done.  Then after that, you might find that the entities and Wonderland are gone, and you will realize they weren't real and Wonderland wasn't real as well.  If you are fully in Wonderland, I doubt much could be done in your life.

I know all of this is easier said than done though.  Please think about what I said about the prescribed meds that are what are purifying your blood, not the other way around.

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Feeling a strange sort of - burnt out, I guess? A strange sort of indifference/apathy. I mean, I'm not actively suicidal or anything, just sick of the whole experience of living. The entire sensory/physical/emotional/social experience.

I think it might be a kind of stir-crazyness.

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5 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

I know all of this is easier said than done though.  Please think about what I said about the prescribed meds that are what are purifying your blood, not the other way around.

Thank you, I try to keep my coherence with me.  I don't think they are not real but I don't think they are real either, I just think they are part of a different reality.

I am going to try to do good things to avoid IP.

Feeling a strange sort of - burnt out, I guess? A strange sort of indifference/apathy. I mean, I'm not actively suicidal or anything, just sick of the whole experience of living. The entire sensory/physical/emotional/social experience.

I think it might be a kind of stir-crazyness.

I have felt that way, sometimes because of meds, sometimes because of dissociation, sometimes because of stress, sometimes because of psychosis

...I am sorry I don't know how to 'fix' that apathy or indifference, but in my case it would go away after some days or weeks in the worst case.

 

Edited by Bixo
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