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Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?


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1 minute ago, Bixo said:

I am going to try to do good things to avoid IP.

I think that sounds like a great idea :)

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Last night pdoc said he would fax in the prescription of klonopin for me (meaning faxing it last night) to the pharmacy, to be there for this morning.  I need this med kind of right away, not because I need the med, but that someone has offered me a ride today to CVS, and I don't want to miss this opportunity.  And the klon can actually be filled today, so I want the prescription ready to be picked up by noon. 

So I called the pharmacy and there was nothing in the computer from pdoc for the klonopin ODT!  So I paged pdoc (was 8 AM here), not caring at all what time it is.  He is most likely awake right now because he has kids who are in school.  But I wouldn't have any regret if this wakes him up.  And I told the answering service that if I didn't hear from pdoc in an hour, that I would page him again to ask if the fax is sent (because I said for him to call me after he faxes it).

I don't want to impose on anyone, asking for another ride to CVS this week.  I've asked to go I think 3 times since last week.  And today is another one.  I already have 2 prescriptions waiting there, which I will ask about again, for a 4th time ... on the 2nd confirmation that the 2 meds were filled, I was told they were being worked on as we spoke. But I wanted to triple check to confirm meds were filled, and one of them still wasn't filled on the 3rd call, even though they said it had been the day before.  And this is before the klonopin shit happening now.  So I'll be calling CVS again to check on the klon, plus making sure the other 2 are ready for pick-up as well.

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@Bixo, thank you for replying.  It's such a relief to have the support of this board, and have supportive people with some shared experiences.

I suspect it might possibly be akathisia, which could potentially be brought on by the seroquel, but it's such a tiny dose that I doubt that.  I can't seem to find much info on it, but I feel like the sensation of intense restlessness goes with the whole tumbleweed of psychotic/delusional symptoms experienced in an active phase of this illness.

Getting up early tomorrow to see if I can go for a longer run before work and maybe it won't be so irritating.

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@melissaw72 that sounds really frustrating

i'm a little bit frustrated as well.  doc seemed really disappointed that clozaril didn't work.  and i feel really in a rock/hard place bc now i've basically reached the end of the line in antipsychotics and have to settle w fanapt which doesn't really help my voices or clozaril which makes me pace all the time.  and she won't have me not on any antipsychotic without trying a full dose of clozaril first.  i'm not going to try a full dosage of clozaril when it made me pace at the lowest dosage..  i know it might not be the best idea to not be on any antipsychotic but i would like to know if i would hear the same amnt of voices on or off of antipsychotics.  anyway i started taking fanapt again today.  the pacing has subsided and for that i am thankful.

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11 hours ago, Zelling said:

Feeling a strange sort of - burnt out, I guess? A strange sort of indifference/apathy. I mean, I'm not actively suicidal or anything, just sick of the whole experience of living. The entire sensory/physical/emotional/social experience.

I think it might be a kind of stir-crazyness.

I feel much the same. Just exhausted and burnt out. I don't care to live anymore but I'm not going to attempt suicide right now either. I don't like or care about anything much anymore. 

I'm sorry you are feeling that way.

As far as seroquel goes, I found I had like super restless legs and felt restless all over in fact (I don't know if it was akathisia (sp?) or not).  But it went away for me as I went up in dose and it hasn't come back. Can you call your dr for advice? I know there are meds to counter akathisia too that might be helpful. 

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56 minutes ago, strange eyes said:

@melissaw72 that sounds really frustrating

i'm a little bit frustrated as well.  doc seemed really disappointed that clozaril didn't work.  and i feel really in a rock/hard place bc now i've basically reached the end of the line in antipsychotics and have to settle w fanapt which doesn't really help my voices or clozaril which makes me pace all the time.  and she won't have me not on any antipsychotic without trying a full dose of clozaril first.  i'm not going to try a full dosage of clozaril when it made me pace at the lowest dosage..  i know it might not be the best idea to not be on any antipsychotic but i would like to know if i would hear the same amnt of voices on or off of antipsychotics.  anyway i started taking fanapt again today.  the pacing has subsided and for that i am thankful.

I'm glad the pacing stopped. 

For me personally I hear way more voices that are scary and tell me to do bad things to myself, when I'm not on AP's.

I hear voices sometimes or noises but I can distract and not do what they tell me to do. I can mostly realize that they are just a product of my SZA and while it is still scary at least I don't have to obey them anymore. 

YMMV but IME I do much better when I stay on my AAP's. I know the side effects really suck but I'd be dead if it weren't for the meds. They would just court order me to take them again anyway if I stopped.

I hope the fanapt helps you. Have you ever tried a typical AP or a combo of AP's? I have been on up to 3 at once and I do best with 2 of them. 

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1 hour ago, strange eyes said:

@melissaw72 that sounds really frustrating

 

It really is.  Pdoc eventually faxed over the refills by 11 AM and they were filled by noon like I had asked and needed.  Unfortunately it didn't work out today with a ride (and I feel extremely guilty for asking pdoc to fax something when he wasn't in his office (etc), and also for asking the pharmacy to see if they could have it filled by noon, and everything else along the way). 

I got to thinking how pdoc has been "threatening" (I write this word because if I act/behave/show any symptoms of psychosis, he said he is putting me on another AP ... the 5 mg he says is not enough ... according to him) and even though I am actually doing so much better on the lower dose of abilify, and haven't been delusional, no hallucinations, etc.  He seems to want me drugged up because there has been absolutely NO reason to increase the abilify or put me on another anti-psychotic) ... anyway, he has been this way since I went to a low dose of abilify.  And every time I am there, there is a risk of him changing the anti-psychotic for a new one, which would require me having to go to CVS after the appt to pick up the prescription.

So tomorrow I have a 100% definite ride to CVS after the appt to pick up the prescriptions.  The person driving me said he would take me there and the grocery store also.  So I didn't have to rush and if needed wait for a prescription to fill.  So I feel bad for all the things I've asked people to do by certain times, as well as by driving me places, it was just out of my control when someone else is driving.

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Not sure if its the seroquel causing it, or just me with chronic short term memory problems. Life has become a series of disconnected moments. I'm not sure if the things I think occurred today actually happened today and not at some other point in time - in a way, I am grateful there is so much in writing and records these days so I am able to pinpoint it.

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32 minutes ago, Zelling said:

Not sure if its the seroquel causing it, or just me with chronic short term memory problems. Life has become a series of disconnected moments. I'm not sure if the things I think occurred today actually happened today and not at some other point in time - in a way, I am grateful there is so much in writing and records these days so I am able to pinpoint it.

Not sure if it is my meds or not, but you aren't alone with this ... things happen with me also.  What I do is sometimes make lists of things (mainly use post-its) to be done, and cross them off as I go.  Then if I look back later on, I'm like, 'I did that?  When did I do that?' And I'd go check and it would be done.

Also more of what you were saying about not being sure if something happened today, and not at some other point in time.  I find this happening a lot when I remember dreams.  Later on in the day I'll be thinking back about them, and really have to think if it was a dream or was it something that happened another time IRL.  And I can reality check with stuff on my own, except I don't like doing it when I have to ask other people.  If I do need to figure out a memory without someone being involved with the reality checking, I will word what I say differently so it asks the person indirectly whether it is real or not.

Or, last resort is saying to a person that, "i just blanked out ... did we do (whatever it was) or am I just thinking we did it?"  I actually use this a lot with people because it comes to my mind the quickest.

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I talked with my pdoc some hours ago.

I told him I wanted to reach the World when entities live and how. He didn't understand what I meant.

I told him I have been there before when entities dragged me there as a punishment and I thought by mistake they were evil and tried to return to the real world. He said that was 'being totally psychotic', that I wanted to be completely psychotic and he won't help me with that.

I was a bit WTF.

I don't  think reaching Wonderland and living there is the same than being extremely full-blown psychotic.

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6 minutes ago, Bixo said:

I talked with my pdoc some hours ago.

I told him I wanted to reach the World when entities live and how. He didn't understand what I meant.

I told him I have been there before when entities dragged me there as a punishment and I thought by mistake they were evil and tried to return to the real world. He said that was 'being totally psychotic', that I wanted to be completely psychotic and he won't help me with that.

I was a bit WTF.

I don't  think reaching Wonderland and living there is the same than being extremely full-blown psychotic.

WTF? I would have been so pissed.

TBH, he is right about the Wonderland and the entities as being a psychotic thing, but I also understand your POV because I've been there ... you believe so much about the other world that it "has" to be real, even if no one agrees with you.

How can he not help you with that?  Did he say what to do in the meantime, or suggest another pdoc, or ??

 

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2 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

WTF? I would have been so pissed.

TBH, he is right about the Wonderland and the entities as being a psychotic thing, but I also understand your POV because I've been there ... you believe so much about the other world that it "has" to be real, even if no one agrees with you.

How can he not help you with that?  Did he say what to do in the meantime, or suggest another pdoc, or ??

 

I know almost nobody thinks it's real, he said they were part of my imagination. He won't help me reaching Wonderland, so I don't understand anything because I cannot live here either. I don't know where he wants to help me becasue he gave me another appointment for next week.

Entities hate being treated like pure imagination. Now I have to stand them being mad at me for telling this to my pdoc.

I don't understand anything, I am just pissed and confused.

1 hour ago, Zelling said:

Not sure if its the seroquel causing it, or just me with chronic short term memory problems. Life has become a series of disconnected moments. I'm not sure if the things I think occurred today actually happened today and not at some other point in time - in a way, I am grateful there is so much in writing and records these days so I am able to pinpoint it.

I have a tiny notebook with me to write half-everything I do because I have the same problem.

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3 minutes ago, Bixo said:

I know almost nobody thinks it's real, he said they were part of my imagination. He won't help me reaching Wonderland, so I don't understand anything because I cannot live here either. I don't know where he wants to help me becasue he gave me another appointment for next week.

Entities hate being treated like pure imagination. Now I have to stand them being mad at me for telling this to my pdoc.

I don't understand anything, I am just pissed and confused.

(in bold)  I think you did the right thing though, by telling pdoc honestly what you are thinking and going through.  Being that the entities don't like being treated like pure imagination, is there a way to reverse that and direct them to be mad at your pdoc (instead of you).  Do you think that could happen?  I've been where you are right now (mentally) and when things were said to me about being pissed that I said something to someone they didnt' want me to, I just thought back to the voices that I had no choice.  So to be mad at the person who coerced me into saying it, not me.  It kind of worked, but it did helps at the time.

I'm pissed and confused right along with you.

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The tiny notebook is a good idea. I am definitely going to have to start writing everything down.  With timestamps.

Today has been a somewhat odd experience - like, I find it very difficult to trust my recollection of events, everything is so disconnected.

I wish I did know whether this was medication induced or illness induced. Although I also think, having extremely vague memories of being severely symptomatic in 2013, that feeling like a goldfish made of marshmallows is probably just another symptom. That and reading my post history of early August this year is fairly indicative that this is something that crops up when experiencing delusional/psychosis symptoms.

It's just really unfortunate because I have to be really careful to stay on top of things at work. Most things are ok because they are already written down, but otherwise I am not sure who I saw or whether I spoke to people, and did certain things, or just thought about doing so.

Edited by Zelling
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I usually check old post I made to know what I did or think because I tend to forget about them.

 

I have cancelled my next pdoc appointment. I can't see him, I feel so bad since talking to him... Maybe next week I am going to schedule one for the week after it.

I have to up Lamictal to 50mg and maybe I am going to take amisulpride again.

Edited by Bixo
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34 minutes ago, Bixo said:

I have cancelled my next pdoc appointment. I can't see him, I feel so bad since talking to him... Maybe next week I am going to schedule one for the week after it.

I really think you should go, if for any reason to get a med check and follow up for the meds.

Why do you feel bad since talking to him? 

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Last Thursday I had an appt from hell with pdoc.  Anyway, I saw him today, and he really didn't say anything about the appt last week (when I emailed him afterwards I said if he wasn't going to change his mind and let me be heard etc, to not bother bringing up the last appt).  And we didn't talk about the last appt today, which meant he isn't changing his mind on anything, and isn't willing to let me speak and be heard.  Or else would have brought it up. 

He didn't apologize for how he was at the last appt (And I deserve an apology for the way he was).  Today's appt was a pretty much superficial appt.  I didn't say too much spontaneously, I was pretty quiet and thought about what I was going to say before I actually said something.  Anyway, just glad the appt is over with.  Now I don't see him until Nov 3rd, meaning I have a break from him for over a week, which will be good.  I need it!

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2 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

I really think you should go, if for any reason to get a med check and follow up for the meds.

Why do you feel bad since talking to him? 

I feel more depressed and like a worthless pice of shit.

The only thing I understand from all he told me it's I want to be more psychotic, which I don't want to, I just want to be in Wonderland because entities are there and they are the only beings that make me company outside Internet. That's it, I don't want to be sicker.

I just feel like an attention whore because of what he told me, while normally I struggle a lot telling what I think because I am afraid I won't be believed, because that's how it has been all my life. I was mostly considered an attention seeker by lawyers, teachers, some psychologist and psychiatrist, actually, one of them said I had a conduct disorder when I was 12 after talking with my mother, he refused to talk with me alone and told her she just had to be harder with my education, because it seems being beated up with a riding crop is not enough.

I made a huge effort telling him what I believe and the only thing I get it's the attention whore hat, anyway it's my fault, not his.

I feel like I shouldn't tell anyone anything about this again. I don't know if he truly meant this or not, probably he didn't and it's just me don't understanding anything, but the point is now I feel worse and I am alone in my room. I won't cut myself or jump throught the window for attention, I am not impulsive-manipulative borderline as a psychologist once diagnosed me with, I just feel extremely sad and hopelessly.

Talking to him is counterproductive, I don't understand what he means and I just feel more and more worthless, but I guess, it's only my fault because I shouldn't be in this World from the beginning and that's why I don't get what normal people mean, actually I think he is a good psychiatris, but my mind doesn't understand most of people and almost everyone it's too scaring, that's the problem.

Shutting down and hiding in a corner it's much better.

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I hate being in the World because of things like this, that's why entities are here, to take me somewhere else, a place I belong. I thought some of them were evil, they are not, they are just bloodthirsty, but they want good for me, I don't mind they tell me to extract my spleen and kill myself in the most violent way, now they are my friends it's not annoying anymore. I made a pact with them and they won't annoy me as long as one day I join them.

I shouldn't complain this much, emotions sucks.

59048202.jpgtumblr_inline_mj91rntMt01qz4rgp.jpg

 

Edited by Bixo
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16 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

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Last Thursday I had an appt from hell with pdoc.  Anyway, I saw him today, and he really didn't say anything about the appt last week (when I emailed him afterwards I said if he wasn't going to change his mind and let me be heard etc, to not bother bringing up the last appt).  And we didn't talk about the last appt today, which meant he isn't changing his mind on anything, and isn't willing to let me speak and be heard.  Or else would have brought it up. 

He didn't apologize for how he was at the last appt (And I deserve an apology for the way he was).  Today's appt was a pretty much superficial appt.  I didn't say too much spontaneously, I was pretty quiet and thought about what I was going to say before I actually said something.  Anyway, just glad the appt is over with.  Now I don't see him until Nov 3rd, meaning I have a break from him for over a week, which will be good.  I need it!

I am sorry things are hard with your psychiatrist too.

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I am getting hit hard by poor audio processing at the moment, as if I don't understand half of the English language.

Its rather fundamental to my job, so I am contemplating discussing it with my manager, though I am concerned they might force me to have time off, or worse, fire me all together.

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