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Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?


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I don't have the gabapentin. He said he would give it to me but he didn't want to and was very angry about it, so I told him I didn't want him to give me something he doesn't want to and makes him angry.

When he told me he won't give me two meds that he has never used together and if something happened to me he could be in troubles, I told him what if I get The Rash from lamotrigine? all side effects are not his responsability. He didn't say anything and just said again he wasn't comfortable and makes him angry to give me gabapentin.

I will stop lamotrigine, I can't continue only with it.

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He also said he doesn't want to talk about meds but about emotions and my life, but sincerly, after all of this, being med something really 'apersonal, impersonal, non-private, non-sensitive' and ending up really bad, I don't know if it is a good idea to talk with him about sensitive stuff.

 

He said it was a waste of time because there wasn't any agreement about meds.

Edited by Bixo
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I am going to left a letter explaining what I wanted and what he made me feel and why I won't go on Friday. He also said I was extorting him about not going to the next appoitment, which the real reason is I don't want him to make me feel like shit again.

 

I had written something to talk the next session and the session after the next one. I am going to give the nurse these one too so she gives them to the pdoc. I am not returning in some months.

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I still have paranoia from yesterday evening. On an on-and-off fashion I feel as if I am being watched, whether by people or by cars (even if the cars have no one in them) or by no one in particular at all. I have also felt at times like "entities" (I'm not sure if they can be called people, they don't feel like people) have lied around corners or on the other sides of doors. At one point I felt that my parents had broken into my computer, even though I knew this was impossible. I left a message with my pdoc about this first thing, but she still has not gotten back to me (last time I left a message with her she called back last thing in the day). I really just want to go home and take a bunch of quetiapine and then tell my pdoc when she finally calls me, even though i know I shouldn't (especially because of the chance that the quetiapine might be causing this, since the paranoia has gotten worse after going on 100 mg quetiapine, and the quetiapine is definitely making me hallucinate).

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1 hour ago, Bixo said:

I don't have the gabapentin. He said he would give it to me but he didn't want to and was very angry about it, so I told him I didn't want him to give me something he doesn't want to and makes him angry.

When he told me he won't give me two meds that he has never used together and if something happened to me he could be in troubles, I told him what if I get The Rash from lamotrigine? all side effects are not his responsability. He didn't say anything and just said again he wasn't comfortable and makes him angry to give me gabapentin.

I will stop lamotrigine, I can't continue only with it.

Oh, ok ... I misunderstood what you wrote wrong.  Sorry about that!

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48 minutes ago, Bixo said:

I am going to left a letter explaining what I wanted and what he made me feel and why I won't go on Friday. He also said I was extorting him about not going to the next appoitment, which the real reason is I don't want him to make me feel like shit again.

I think a letter is a great idea.  I don't get why he would use the word "extorting" him about not going to the next appt?  I would tell him the real reason (that you don't want him to make you feel like shit again).  It might be hard to bring it up, but maybe include that with your letter?

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8 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

I think a letter is a great idea.  I don't get why he would use the word "extorting" him about not going to the next appt?  I would tell him the real reason (that you don't want him to make you feel like shit again).  It might be hard to bring it up, but maybe include that with your letter?

I did.

During the appointment I told him there was no reason to go to the Friday appointment if he refuses to help me with anxiety giving me a med that's not a benzo since they don't work, this is what he called exorting -give me anxiety med or I don't go to the appointment, I guess it's what he understood-. This makes me feel worse, because he doesn't help, I feel I don't deserve to be helped. I added this to the letter.

If they don't help me, I a going to end up dead. There is not any other day hospital or similar. I am alone, again.

Edited by Bixo
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What I don't know is how I am going to deal with benzo withdrawal since I have 0 benzo, I gave him all without remembering I have tu taper down, I gave them to him to show him I don't abuse them. He didn't say anything, so I guess he thinks I am going to don't get benzo withdrawal syndrome.

Edited by Bixo
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My pdoc seems to think I'm getting a bit of paranoia. Um thinking that every single car in the company parking lot is watching you - even though no one is sitting in them - isn't a bit of paranoia. This must not have come across clearly enough in the message I left.

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I just want an hug, or someone, or someone who is not mean to me... or my ex pdoc which was great, I was on no medication with him and doing fantastic only with psychotherapy even if he was just finished his residency and lack of experience he was really emphatic.

 

I shouldn't have born.

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I cannot wait until my tdoc appt later this week, if only to unload everything that's been circling around in my head about things now and things five years ago. That I got intense paranoia and hallucinated in any mood at the time wasn't incidental, even though my pdoc at the time seemed to dismiss it. And it's somehow linked to that quetiapine's making me hallucinate now (the hallucinations are identical) and that I've been getting paranoia again in recent times. And then there's the fact that I cannot for fuck's sake function on my own much at all, regardless of my mood (even when hypomanic), which I suspect is linked.

Edited by Closure
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52 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

I think a letter is a great idea.  I don't get why he would use the word "extorting" him about not going to the next appt?  I would tell him the real reason (that you don't want him to make you feel like shit again).  It might be hard to bring it up, but maybe include that with your letter?

But I don't know if it is OK to tell him what he made me feel because he might think I am trying to manipulate him to make him feel bad.

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16 minutes ago, Bixo said:

But I don't know if it is OK to tell him what he made me feel because he might think I am trying to manipulate him to make him feel bad.

Personally I don't think you would be manipulating him ...

Maybe you could start out by saying/writing something like, "FWIW ... last time I saw you I left feeling like crap.  I wasn't trying to piss you off, just trying to figure out something that would help me.  And gabapentin was one med that looked like it had potential.  I'm sorry if it came across any other way."

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4 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

Personally I don't think you would be manipulating him ...

Maybe you could start out by saying/writing something like, "FWIW ... last time I saw you I left feeling like crap.  I wasn't trying to piss you off, just trying to figure out something that would help me.  And gabapentin was one med that looked like it had potential.  I'm sorry if it came across any other way."

I just wrote something like that and added I was afraid he thinks I am faking and trying to make me feel like a bad pdoc, but I am not doing so.

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3 hours ago, Bixo said:

Thank you and... there woldn't be any logical reason to lie.

I agree ... there is no logical reason for you to lie at all ... you just want is something to help with the symptoms, that at least now, are making you feel ?out of control? (is that how you'd describe it?) among other things.

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