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Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?


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18 hours ago, heilmania said:

Everything's going well, and I feel great, but I have an ulcer on my vocal cord making my voice gravelly. It doesn't hurt or anything. My doctor (ENT) doesn't know why it's not healing more quickly. They gave me all sorts of medicines and made me not talk for a week, and it barely healed at all. I think it looks exactly the same (they have a tv that shows the camera they shove up my nose to see my vocal cords). I'm really worried it's cancer or something and they're not telling me. I had a ton of blood work done. I have a CT scan scheduled in a couple days. I don't think I'll know what's going on until I see the ENT again in about 2 weeks, and that's IF they figure it out. Big if. 

I'm sorry you still have that dang ulcer. I hope it heals asap. Thinking of you. 

3 hours ago, surreal said:

I just got out of the hospital again. I'm on new meds.

Hi surreal! Glad you are back. I hope the new meds help. 

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@melissaw72 I'm glad you had a at least semi ok pdoc appointment. I hope he was just having a really hard time and that his behavior will be back to what it was like before. Not that his behavior should be excused at all. He should have been professional and not treated you so poorly. I know we all have bad days but still. I've been through similar situations with normally good providers having bad times and taking it out on a patient. It feels awful. I'm sorry you went through that. 

15 hours ago, whatsizbucket said:

The voices are back, and they are making me want to cry.  My eyes have tears in them right now.  I need to only hold on for 5 more days.  I am wondering if he doesn't care.  I feel abandoned.  But I tell everyone I am OK.  I just wish I was tuned out and meditating all the time.  That is the only place that they cannot harm or hurt me.  I need a med change, maybe even an entire shift in meds.

My mom knows that they are back.  She feels so helpless that I have this illness.  I feel so ashamed sometimes.  Like no one should slep into my head and see... except the spiders.  They dig into my brain.  If you took a CT scan, you'd probably see them.  But people have told me to hold on.  5 more days.  Tomorrow I have my tdoc appt.  I don't want to crash his good mood.  I am worried that he will not believe me, like my current pdoc, or the one before him.

I can make it 5 more days, maybe.  All I need to be, is in the presence of others.  To keep me safe.  I worry also, that if a med switch is inevitable, my pdoc may blue form me.  Involuntary commitment until the meds take effect, because I will need monitoring.  I just don't know what to think sometimes...  the spiders prohibit my thinking sometimes.  The meds make them stop moving, so I can think.

5 more days...  all I need to do is wait 5 more days, before I confront my pdoc about his hypocrisy, by not believing me about the spiders, and the med change.

I'm sorry to hear this. I am having med changes too and it is going so far so good. I hope you get a good med change too. Thinking of you. 

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2 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

@melissaw72 I'm glad you had a at least semi ok pdoc appointment. I hope he was just having a really hard time and that his behavior will be back to what it was like before. Not that his behavior should be excused at all. He should have been professional and not treated you so poorly. I know we all have bad days but still. I've been through similar situations with normally good providers having bad times and taking it out on a patient. It feels awful. I'm sorry you went through that. 

Thanks, Cheese.  Last appt he was finally back to himself.  We didn't really argue, just Idk ... we both remained calm.  So hopefully the appts get back to normal.  I still will be hesitant to tell him everything for awhile, but in time I'm hoping to be back to normal with him.  I was in that last appt for 50 minutes (usually only 30 minutes).  He was back down to earth and we actually had a conversation.  You're right about that his behavior shouldn't be excused.

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I just had the best idea. I'm going to stop Seroquel XR on my own in 1-2 weeks. I'm taking 800 mg currently but will take 400 mg for 1-2 weeks and then be done with it! I am on invega at a very small dose along with Abilify at a high dose. My pdoc can then increase invega at next appointment in 2 weeks. I wanna be less sedated, less depressed, and maybe lose weight too. I'm very happy and thankful to have this goal right now. 

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The paranoia seems to be slowly fading, thank god. Hopefully the increased quetiapine (now to 150 mg, alongside my 6 mg risperidone) will do something about it - as if this is just happening on its own, it can come back on its own too, as it has been over the last couple months or so.

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38 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I just had the best idea. I'm going to stop Seroquel XR on my own in 1-2 weeks. I'm taking 800 mg currently but will take 400 mg for 1-2 weeks and then be done with it! I am on invega at a very small dose along with Abilify at a high dose. My pdoc can then increase invega at next appointment in 2 weeks. I wanna be less sedated, less depressed, and maybe lose weight too. I'm very happy and thankful to have this goal right now. 

Cheese ... please run this by your pdoc before you do anything.  Not a good idea to go off of meds without pdoc knowing ... I have been through this over the past month.  I was threatened IP because I had gone off abilify (we were weaning down but were only to 20 mg ... I weaned all the way off of it). 

Anyway, after 2 weeks I told him because I had been feeling much better ... well, going off of Abilify wasn't a good idea because he didn't like it, and he was being a complete asshole about it.  Just ... long story short, it was a mess.  I was threatened IP because "the AP might not take effect fast enough," assuming everything about what was going on (he increased it to 15mg when he said this).  And I was not psychotic in any way shape or form. Not paranoid. Nothing.  Except I could think clearer and the headaches pretty much disappeared.

So please don't go off Seroquel without telling you pdoc.  It would suck if you went IP because of going off a med, and your pdoc assumes whatever, leading to IP.

(in bold) While it would be nice to be less sedated, less depressed, and maybe lose weight, is it worth the possibility of going IP?

 

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I remember when I went off risperidone completely on my own - mind you this was due to my not paying the insurance company so thus they wouldn't cover my meds until I paid up combined with my being too damn cheap to pay for it on my own even though I had the money on hand to do so - but needless to say, things went straight to severely mixed, do not pass go, do not collect $200. It resulted in a pretty severe months-long episode and my losing my job. I know your reasons for going off quetiapine are different than mine were, and you will probably react to going off it differently than I reacted to going off risperidone, but however you react it will probably not be good - even though you think it will be good right now - and this will be without your pdoc being aware of it either. Do you really want this?

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3 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Cheese ... please run this by your pdoc before you do anything.  Not a good idea to go off of meds without pdoc knowing ... I have been through this over the past month.  I was threatened IP because I had gone off abilify (we were weaning down but were only to 20 mg ... I weaned all the way off of it). 

Anyway, after 2 weeks I told him because I had been feeling much better ... well, going off of Abilify wasn't a good idea because he didn't like it, and he was being a complete asshole about it.  Just ... long story short, it was a mess.  I was threatened IP because "the AP might not take effect fast enough," assuming everything about what was going on (he increased it to 15mg when he said this).  And I was not psychotic in any way shape or form. Not paranoid. Nothing.  Except I could think clearer and the headaches pretty much disappeared.

So please don't go off Seroquel without telling you pdoc.  It would suck if you went IP because of going off a med, and your pdoc assumes whatever, leading to IP.

(in bold) While it would be nice to be less sedated, less depressed, and maybe lose weight, is it worth the possibility of going IP?

 

Oh thanks Melissa. You are a voice of reason and wisdom. I will not do anything without pdoc consent. It isn't worth it you are so right. 

3 hours ago, Closure said:

I remember when I went off risperidone completely on my own - mind you this was due to my not paying the insurance company so thus they wouldn't cover my meds until I paid up combined with my being too damn cheap to pay for it on my own even though I had the money on hand to do so - but needless to say, things went straight to severely mixed, do not pass go, do not collect $200. It resulted in a pretty severe months-long episode and my losing my job. I know your reasons for going off quetiapine are different than mine were, and you will probably react to going off it differently than I reacted to going off risperidone, but however you react it will probably not be good - even though you think it will be good right now - and this will be without your pdoc being aware of it either. Do you really want this?

No. you are so right. I will not do anything without pdoc consent. I will do it the right way. I would hate to have pdoc not trust me or end up IP because I couldn't wait to get off seroquel. 

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3 hours ago, aura said:

When I tried to lower my quetiapine I got psychotic very quickly and needed IP. I would recommend keeping your pdoc in the loop. You don't want to end up in an IP situation.

You are so right. Thanks aura. I will not do anything med wise without pdoc consent. I feel dumb for even thinking that way. I need to be more patient. 

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Talked to my therapist today over coffee (that she buys for me) and I was discussing that my dreams are my reality and my reality are my dreams...I can't quite put it into words I suppose.

It was a nice talk over all. She wants me to take a break from work so I could put myself together. I can't take a 'break'...they would never approve. Management is aware that I have a notable disability but I don't want to get to that stage.

She was also happy to hear that I'm relatively consistent with going to the gym. I told her that's my reality check.

**************TW**************

Been having dreams of being raped an sexually assaulted. IRL this happened when I was 13 (sexual assault) and again when I was 19 (rape). My therapist says it's possible to remember unwanted memories...I'm 27 now...but I really don't need this in my life right now.

I also told her I've have thoughts of cutting. I have thoughts of going to the hardware store and buying a pocket knife. But even though it's almost winter I wear short sleeves to the gym...so that's my motivation to not cut myself.

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I don't want to be here anymore, and if I could drive, I would be leaving tomorrow AM early.

Haven't been needing to put on a happy face so far, but today I really have to.  Woke up extremely depressed twice, with the crying that wouldn't stop, then the 3rd time I woke up depressed without the crying.  I hate not knowing how I'll be each time I wake up.  And this is not the time to have to deal with this.  So for at least until my nap later on, I will have to do my best with the mask.

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Usually, I think Thanksgiving kind of falls into the category of "Hallmark holidays" like Valentine's Day. It kicks off the Christmas buying season. It's cheesy. I kind of blow it off most of the time. I haven't been home for Thanksgiving since I was 17. I use it as an excuse to cook yams for people. 
 
I know Thanksgiving means a lot to a lot of people, but mostly I'm thinking, "screw Thanksgiving- why should I be thankful for Europeans arriving in America and eventually wiping out practically all my Native American ancestors?" 

Yes, especially right now, as people fight off hypothermia, tear gas and rubber bullets at Standing Rock.

I mean come on. This is sick. 

It's been sick.

How can we celebrate the colonization and outright murder of practically an entire continent?

Why are Native rights still fucking missing?

While you may be celebrating with your family, I am screaming inside.

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My part in the trial is over.

I lost it after the Crown Attorney questioned me. Then the defense lawyer beat me up so bad I started bawling, the Judge made the lawyer stop, and the Victim's Advocate and the detective in charge of the cash were almost carrying me out of the CCTV room (I did it so I didn't have to go on the witness stand, beside the courtroom, I wore a mic, a TV showing His Honour, and it was displayed in the court room, but I did not see them. I have no idea what would have happened had I been in that courtroom. I had to get a note from my pdoc for CCTV) I kept crying "I'm so sorry, so sorry" but they said that I had done very well.

I was wrecked. I kinda still am. The detective got my roommate out of the courtroom, and brought her out. The victim's advocate and detective, and my roommate, helped settle me down. I was bawling. The detective said "Good for you for yelling at the defense lawyer. More people should do that" and the victim's advocate said "he's fucked. You 9 survivors have ruined his business, etc, etc, etc. You did a great job with the Crown, Defense lawyers have a special place in hell.

I woke up crying for 5 days.  saw pdoc. He helped me out, gave me time to just talk

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