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Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?


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It's just like I was really hoping that things would stabilize and things would return to like they were before May... I was not expecting the bits of paranoia I was getting to turn into full-blown breakthrough symptoms, or what is happening now to happen, even when the paranoia seemed to be fading away up until Monday. So I feel quite disappointed and frustrated.

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I'm flying out tomorrow with the hubby to see my family over 500 miles away! Yay! I'm so excited to see my parents. I miss them all the time and only get to see them twice a year.

5 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

I just woke up a little while ago, and I woke up agitated as all can be.  I hate this feeling.  Usually sleep helps it.  I hope this goes away very soon because I want to scream and yell at the first person I see, no matter how nice they might be.

Oof. I know that feeling all too well. Unfortunately, my husband usually receives the brunt of those feelings. I hope the agitation goes away soon! 

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Agitation really fucking sucks, to say the very least. I hate having to keep myself from lashing out at whoever is around me, especially my daughter, since she really sets me off when I'm feeling that way.

And on a positive note, I am slowly getting together a trip to DC, hopefully with my daughter, so she can see the pandas and all kinds of fun stuff there (she's obsessed with pandas), and so I can meet with my friends Liz (haven't seen her in six years) and Jean-Paul (haven't seen him in four years), whom I dearly miss.

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10 hours ago, Closure said:

Agitation really fucking sucks, to say the very least. I hate having to keep myself from lashing out at whoever is around me, especially my daughter, since she really sets me off when I'm feeling that way.

Exactly.  Sometimes I don't even lash out, but it is in my facial expressions.

---------------

I can not sleep for the life of me tonight.  From 2:30 PM yesterday until 2:45 AM (now) I have slept a total of 2, 1-hour chunks of sleep.  Idk what the problem is ... there isn't anything stressing me out (actually one minor thing but it isn't a major stress.  Not enough to cause insomnia this bad.  And I have a long day out today too.

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The pdoc appt was not exactly satisfying. My pdoc put me on a tiny dose of quetiapine, 25 mg, in the morning in addition to the 200 mg I take at night (I brought up XR but she thought my insurance probably would not cover it), to help control the hallucinations, since in the past nearly identical hallucinations were controlled effectively by risperidone (but she does not want to go up on that) and because I do not really notice hallucinations when I am first getting up in the morning (implying that the quetiapine wearing off as the day progresses could be a factor). I questioned the dosage, but she said she wanted to start out slowly from a low dose. About my mood, she thinks I'm in a mild mixed mood right now, since I don't feel normal, but at the same time cannot decide whether I am in a low mood or a high mood. Also, because a major component of my hallucinations is flicker, she wants me to get an eye exam just to rule out that any eye problems are involved (especially since I have never gotten an eye exam ever). (And yes, my pdoc questioned whether I was being fully compliant - she knows that I have for good stretches of time not been fully compliant - with how things just unraveled all of a sudden...)

Edited by Closure
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The big question I have is why now? Are these mood-induced psychotic symptoms? But the mood symptoms don't seem intense enough to induce psychotic symptoms. (My mood is pretty mild right now, but I am still seeing shit.) And if they are not, are they breakthrough symptoms? But regardless, nothing seems like it would trigger either.

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10 minutes ago, Closure said:

The big question I have is why now? Are these mood-induced psychotic symptoms? But the mood symptoms don't seem intense enough to induce psychotic symptoms. (My mood is pretty mild right now, but I am still seeing shit.) And if they are not, are they breakthrough symptoms? But regardless, nothing seems like it would trigger either.

FWIW my doctors consider my psychotic symptoms (delusions primarily) as mood related even when I'm only in a mild mood episode. I also have breakthrough psychotic symptoms pretty frequently. 

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8 minutes ago, aura said:

FWIW my doctors consider my psychotic symptoms (delusions primarily) as mood related even when I'm only in a mild mood episode. I also have breakthrough psychotic symptoms pretty frequently. 

The thing is that my clearly mood-related psychotic symptoms in the past have always occurred when manic, or at least very hypomanic (I'm not sure if I have insight into where hypomania ends and mania begins) or very mixed, where this is a quite mild mixed mood; I would at times almost mistake it for a normal mood.

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4 minutes ago, Closure said:

The thing is that my clearly mood-related psychotic symptoms in the past have always occurred when manic, or at least very hypomanic (I'm not sure if I have insight into where hypomania ends and mania begins) or very mixed, where this is a quite mild mixed mood; I would at times almost mistake it for a normal mood.

Yep, exactly this. My doctors considered a diagnosis of SZA but decided against it for a reason I still don't understand. I had an episode this year where I had to be hospitalized because my delusion was telling me to hurt myself, but beyond that I didn't really have depression symptoms. The consensus was essentially that "this is just another kind of episode you have." So apparently I have psychotic episodes that look like depression until you talk to me and I tell you there is a supernatural entity forcing me to hurt myself. Treat the symptoms not the label, I guess?

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12 minutes ago, aura said:

Yep, exactly this. My doctors considered a diagnosis of SZA but decided against it for a reason I still don't understand. I had an episode this year where I had to be hospitalized because my delusion was telling me to hurt myself, but beyond that I didn't really have depression symptoms. The consensus was essentially that "this is just another kind of episode you have." So apparently I have psychotic episodes that look like depression until you talk to me and I tell you there is a supernatural entity forcing me to hurt myself. Treat the symptoms not the label, I guess?

The thing is that I do clearly get psychotic symptoms when in perfectly normal mood; in the period from about sometime in early November through some point in December, I had perfectly normal mood (thanks to quetiapine), yet I was getting recurrent episodes of paranoia (along with anxiety,which to me seemed like it was what happened when the paranoia was almost but not quite completely suppressed by the AP); if it were not for the paranoia and the anxiety, along with the med-induced hallucinations, it would have been wonderful, especially since it was my first continual normal mood since May. Whereas this feels different from then; now I feel blah or sour, I get jittery, I get irritable, I momentarily freeze up at times, I do not function as well as I was doing before (particularly at work, I have trouble functioning at home regardless, but in normal mood I tend to function a bit better at work than I am doing now), and in general I cannot put a finger on what my mood is, even though I know it is not normal (my pdoc says that I have a mild mixed mood and I am inclined to agree, but this seems to lack the intensity I normally associate with mixed moods); also, I have been getting paranoia again in addition to the ramped-up hallucinations, which had largely disappeared sometime earlier in December.

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16 minutes ago, Closure said:

The thing is that I do clearly get psychotic symptoms when in perfectly normal mood; in the period from about sometime in early November through some point in December, I had perfectly normal mood (thanks to quetiapine), yet I was getting recurrent episodes of paranoia (along with anxiety,which to me seemed like it was what happened when the paranoia was almost but not quite completely suppressed by the AP); if it were not for the paranoia and the anxiety, along with the med-induced hallucinations, it would have been wonderful, especially since it was my first continual normal mood since May. Whereas this feels different from then; now I feel blah or sour, I get jittery, I get irritable, I momentarily freeze up at times, I do not function as well as I was doing before (particularly at work, I have trouble functioning at home regardless, but in normal mood I tend to function a bit better at work than I am doing now), and in general I cannot put a finger on what my mood is, even though I know it is not normal (my pdoc says that I have a mild mixed mood and I am inclined to agree, but this seems to lack the intensity I normally associate with mixed moods); also, I have been getting paranoia again in addition to the ramped-up hallucinations, which had largely disappeared sometime earlier in December.

Well, whatever is going on I hope your doctor can sort it out quickly. Doesn't sound pleasant at all.

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20 minutes ago, aura said:

Well, whatever is going on I hope your doctor can sort it out quickly. Doesn't sound pleasant at all.

I hope so too. I just feel that she is being a bit too conservative with going up from 25 mg for a morning dose of quetiapine. (She knows that 200 mg doesn't make me reliably sleepy.)

But yeah, there is a threshold to what level of these visual hallucinations I will tolerate; after the initial spike in intensity, those from the quetiapine were under it - this is over it.

Edited by Closure
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I've agreed to go up to at least 350 on clozaril. Maybe 400 to try and get me out of this place where I am convinced I'm ethically obligated to die in order to protect my small girl. Not until the command hallucinations start again, but who knows when that'll be...anytime really  

Felt shreds of hope whilst/after chatting with a dear friend last night. Today's a new day though and it's as if I took three steps forward but the new night has knocked me back two. 

 

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15 minutes ago, mellifluous said:

I've agreed to go up to at least 350 on clozaril. Maybe 400 to try and get me out of this place where I am convinced I'm ethically obligated to die in order to protect my small girl. Not until the command hallucinations start again, but who knows when that'll be...anytime really  

Felt shreds of hope whilst/after chatting with a dear friend last night. Today's a new day though and it's as if I took three steps forward but the new night has knocked me back two. 

I hope that the clozapine helps, and you stop feeling you need to die for your daughter's sake. Also, hopefully the command hallucinations don't start any time soon; I've never experienced them myself, but I hear they are pretty much as bad as hallucinations get.

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2 minutes ago, Closure said:

I hope that the clozapine helps, and you stop feeling you need to die for your daughter's sake. Also, hopefully the command hallucinations don't start any time soon; I've never experienced them myself, but I hear they are pretty much as bad as hallucinations get.

I just can't resist them. I've done lots of bilateral to put them into remission after I cracked treatment resistant. I always end up doing self surgery or something illegal, like ruining cables and trespassing and some other stuff. When they start I have no thought to not take guidance. It all fits. They seem like clearly the right things to do. It's not them being there that's bad for me, just as existing, but the things I do because I'm guided to are either bloody or dangerous. 

My least favorite voices are the ones that run commentary and heckle me with questions. And I don't know what exactly steals my thoughts and overtakes me such that I'm convinced I'm being controlled, but those things suck more for me from my perspective. 

Though I will say from others' perspective the command hallucinations are THE thing that causes the most problems. It's also something that as soon as a new-to-me mental health person sees that in my history...I'm dealt with completely differently. It's the single thing that professionals seem to uniformly be concerned about and focus on eradicating. 

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Soz, I was unclear. I'm increasing the clozaril now. My psychiatrist is doing everything to *prevent* them  I'm unconvinced there's hope of that really. My symptoms breakthrough, me meds fail, stress happens, etc  so they ARE trying to prevent. I'm just preparing for their return  

As for waiting until the command hallucinations to return, when they do I'm out. I have my plan freshly revised and I'm ready to go when those fuckers are. I won't live through another "incident". I'll finally prove whether I'm unkillable or not because my strategy doesn't leave options for mortals. Which, I desperately hope I am actually finite. 

Edited by mellifluous
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