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Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?

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dang.. apt hunting is exhausting. I've spent more time on Craigslist in the past four days than I've spent on the computer in the past month. also driving places, checking them out, being dissatisfied, having apts taken out beneath your feet, emailing, calling, applications, research... agh! on the other hand I am enjoying the excitement I feel at the possibility of gaining my independence.  yet I am a bit nervous about that too. but I know I can't live with my parents the rest of my life. it's time to move on. I'm doing well and my meds are working the best they ever have, so I think I'm gonna be ok. just gotta find that Right Place. 

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13 hours ago, OliverB said:

I never do enough and feel useless,

I don't think you are useless.  Even if you might not have gotten enough done, you were useful here on CB offering advice and encouraging us.  That definitely counts.

Also, you are allowed to rest.  IMO you you don't need to be doing things all day for it to be a productive day.  IME if I start getting a lot done and am feeling great about it, I will still rest because if I don't, the quality of the things left to do won't be my best.  If that makes sense.

I'm sorry your anxiety and being obsessive is coming back.  I hope it takes a turn for the better and you start felling better.  If not though, like I was saying in another post, I'd call your pdoc (even though it is the weekend), and let him know.  If things continue to get worse, I think IP might be a good option.  I would hate it if you started spiraling downward too fast, with not enough time to turn things around.

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31 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

I don't think you are useless.  Even if you might not have gotten enough done, you were useful here on CB offering advice and encouraging us.  That definitely counts.

Also, you are allowed to rest.  IMO you you don't need to be doing things all day for it to be a productive day.  IME if I start getting a lot done and am feeling great about it, I will still rest because if I don't, the quality of the things left to do won't be my best.  If that makes sense.

I'm sorry your anxiety and being obsessive is coming back.  I hope it takes a turn for the better and you start felling better.  If not though, like I was saying in another post, I'd call your pdoc (even though it is the weekend), and let him know.  If things continue to get worse, I think IP might be a good option.  I would hate it if you started spiraling downward too fast, with not enough time to turn things around.

I feel I am going crazy, losing control, too confused, but I can stand until next Friday I see him. IP is not really helpful (only to stay away to diarly life and reorganize in case I was a mess), because IP doctors tends to think I just have a personality disorder, or they diagnose me with autism disorder (if I am too dissociated) or they say they have no idea and because they have to diagnose me something they write down adjustment disorder, they don't talk to you more than few minutes a day and there are not activities during IP. It's mainly for acute psychosis, people who had a bad trip from a drug or people with cognitive delay and psychiatric problems. They only have an  special unit for people with anorexia and eating disorders, all the rest are just kept there until they are not in danger, but there is not therapy or anything therapeutical.

Thank you, it makes sense to rest and it's helpful if  someone tells it to me. I feel less like a failure and less useless.

I can't call my pdoc on weekends, I see him at a day hospital that's open from Monday to Friday. He is there on Tuesdays, second and last Wednesday of the month and Fridays. I can wait, I have wroten a 3 page long letter to him about what happened yesterday with obsessions and about the dissociation that's appearing again (I guess psychosis "covered" it).

I am extremely dissociated right now, I have been all the morning (its 15:10 here), to the point I don't feel the obsessions anymore, but I am not OK. I am confused, I don't feel it was me what was yesterday, it was someone else. I have alters, I know since I am 17 years old. I thought they weren't and called them different because I didn't want to "be DID-like".  

I and the "yesterday I" are not traumatized but I know they are things inside my head that holds the traumatic memories and feelings...

This is one of the post I made years ago about them:

 

:Trigger: Possible triggering

 

 

 

I was sexually abused by my father since I was 3-4 until I was 8-9.

I was physically abused until I was 11.

I was verbally/emotionally abused until 18.

I suffered from neglect until I could self-care.

I didn't attach to my parents, and since we moved too often I never made a friend (I was in a differnt school every year, somtimes different schools in a same year).

I left them when I became 18 (I am 20 now)

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The Abilify seems to have worked its way back into my system. No more mumbling or low-flying planes. Phew!

I have to take my kitty to the vet tomorrow, and I totally don't have the money for it. I'm terrified it will be something beyond my ability to pay and that I'll have to put him down. He's been my buddy since I was 19 (I'm 27 now), and we've been through everything together. He's my anxiety support, depression support, and killer of mice. He even beat up an old roommate of mine who was shitty to me. I'm not Catholic, but I was raised Catholic, so I've regressed to praying to St. Francis. 

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1 hour ago, heilmania said:

The Abilify seems to have worked its way back into my system. No more mumbling or low-flying planes. Phew!

I have to take my kitty to the vet tomorrow, and I totally don't have the money for it. I'm terrified it will be something beyond my ability to pay and that I'll have to put him down. He's been my buddy since I was 19 (I'm 27 now), and we've been through everything together. He's my anxiety support, depression support, and killer of mice. He even beat up an old roommate of mine who was shitty to me. I'm not Catholic, but I was raised Catholic, so I've regressed to praying to St. Francis. 

I'm sorry your cat isn't doing well.  If you have to pay more than you can afford, how about a payment plan?

I'm glad you are doing well on the abilify now!

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5 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

I'm sorry your cat isn't doing well.  If you have to pay more than you can afford, how about a payment plan?

I'm glad you are doing well on the abilify now!

I wonder if the vet I'm taking him to does payment plans. That's a possibility. I have no idea what's wrong with my little buddy. I'm hoping it's worms. I had a dog when I was a kid, and I woke up to her having a seizure. We took her to the vet that night, but she had cancer that had wrapped around her lungs and had to be put down. I'm just terrified it's something like that. I'm such an anxious person, I guess my mind just goes to the worst possible outcome, especially with an animal I'm so close with. Animals hide illnesses so well when they want to. 

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2 hours ago, heilmania said:

I wonder if the vet I'm taking him to does payment plans. That's a possibility. I have no idea what's wrong with my little buddy. I'm hoping it's worms. I had a dog when I was a kid, and I woke up to her having a seizure. We took her to the vet that night, but she had cancer that had wrapped around her lungs and had to be put down. I'm just terrified it's something like that. I'm such an anxious person, I guess my mind just goes to the worst possible outcome, especially with an animal I'm so close with. Animals hide illnesses so well when they want to. 

That must be scary to watch a dog have a seizure.  I know what you mean about anxiety and minds going in different directions and thinking the worse possible outcome.   For me i think it is because I want to be prepared for the worst, so I can't expect anything worse than that. 

I mean I keep a positive outlook on things, but have in the back of my mind what might happen ... which probably won't happen, but it is still there.  If that makes sense.

I think the earlier you get him/her to the vet, the earlier your anxieties won't be as bad.  Plus, if there is anything wrong you'll be ahead of everything and could lessen the (problem) of what is going on ... and possible pain the animal is in.  I totally agree with you how animals hide illnesses very well ... wish they could talk sometimes!

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1 hour ago, melissaw72 said:

That must be scary to watch a dog have a seizure.  I know what you mean about anxiety and minds going in different directions and thinking the worse possible outcome.   For me i think it is because I want to be prepared for the worst, so I can't expect anything worse than that. 

I mean I keep a positive outlook on things, but have in the back of my mind what might happen ... which probably won't happen, but it is still there.  If that makes sense.

I think the earlier you get him/her to the vet, the earlier your anxieties won't be as bad.  Plus, if there is anything wrong you'll be ahead of everything and could lessen the (problem) of what is going on ... and possible pain the animal is in.  I totally agree with you how animals hide illnesses very well ... wish they could talk sometimes!

Me too! He has an appointment at 6pm today, so I'll just have to suffer through work worrying. Not too much longer. 

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I'm having horrible hallucinations

I keep seeing my dog die in horrible ways, and the voices are telling me that my dog is going tto die in horrible ways....

they are also criticizing me for what I eat and how I look

I see my pdoc tomorrow and I'm thinking of switching from prolixin to stelazine

 

anyone have suggestions

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11 minutes ago, Crazyfroglady said:

I'm having horrible hallucinations

I keep seeing my dog die in horrible ways, and the voices are telling me that my dog is going tto die in horrible ways....

they are also criticizing me for what I eat and how I look

I see my pdoc tomorrow and I'm thinking of switching from prolixin to stelazine

 

anyone have suggestions

Unfortunately, I cannot help myself. Hopefully the switch helps you, since you seem to have been having a pretty hard time with all this lately, and it is horrible that it has to involve Mimi, whom I know you most dearly love.

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When I first saw a psychiatrist about hearing things that came from nowhere and no one else could hear, he said he didn't think it was psychosis. He said it was "pseudo-hallucinations" and "mis-perception". I sort of felt better and worse at the same time about that. Firstly I don't want to have a serious disorder like that; my uncle had schizophrenia and had a very hard time in life. But second, it felt like very suddenly I was having a lot of trouble doing anything and was acting quite hysterical sometimes. This would explain why and probably I would be able to resources to help me be a productive member of society if I did have a psychosis disorder.

On Friday, I had to start seeing a new counsellor who is also a psychiatric nurse. During intake she asked me a lot of questions that seemed eerily close to what I was having troubles with. She said she thinks I have schizoaffective. I still don't know how I feel about this, but I have to wait to see the psychiatrist again. I don't really know what to do or think in the meantime.

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28 minutes ago, Dunsparce said:

I don't really know what to do or think in themeantime.

I see my psychiatrist on Friday about a really important thing and neither do I know what to do meanwhile!

What I do it's writing a lot, about my experience, possible explanations, how I could deal with it, make a list about what I want to tell my doctor, post here if I need something or want to ask something, and of course, keep doing what I should do in my diarly life  (cook, shower, etc.). I don't know your situation and I see it's your second post so Welcome here, I didn't see your first one, I am gonna check it :)

What helps me if I am distress it's music, drawing adult coloring books, excercise and reading forums.

I hope some of these ideas help you.

Here a picture of the adult coloring books:

a4ygl4.jpg

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8 hours ago, OliverB said:

I see my psychiatrist on Friday about a really important thing and neither do I know what to do meanwhile!

What I do it's writing a lot, about my experience, possible explanations, how I could deal with it, make a list about what I want to tell my doctor, post here if I need something or want to ask something, and of course, keep doing what I should do in my diarly life  (cook, shower, etc.). I don't know your situation and I see it's your second post so Welcome here, I didn't see your first one, I am gonna check it :)

What helps me if I am distress it's music, drawing adult coloring books, excercise and reading forums.

I hope some of these ideas help you.

Here a picture of the adult coloring books:

a4ygl4.jpg

Oh writing about my experiences sounds like a good idea. My brain always goes blank during counselling/psych sessions and I'm more eloquent when I write anyways lol.

Colouring books sounds like a good idea too, thank you. That's really pretty, is that your colouring?

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Going into MGH this morning, and it is sleeting outside right now.  Worst day for this to happen.

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I am going home from my inpatient hospitalization tomorrow. Total length of stay: two weeks and five days. We are allowed cell phones and computers in this hospital.

My working diagnoses are still SZA and BPD. I am now on 15mg Zyprexa, 600mg Seroquel, 600mg Lithium, and 25mg Nozinan as needed for outburtsts of anger, against myself or others. I think this stay really helped. The meds are making me feel a lot more stable than before (a change from Depakote to Lithium happened, as well as more than doubling my Zyprexa dose). I also practiced and am going to continue practicing my DBT skills. All in all, I think myself and my inpatient treatment team did well. 

And another big thanks to the help of my wonderful fiance, without her I wouldn't have even considered inpatient. Thanks @Angeni Mai, I love you! ♡

Edited by Pixen
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After a long 6-7 hour day, mostly at MGH, and waiting 2 hours for a 5 minute appt, I am not having any surgery! 

The surgeon said not to worry about the broken wire.

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I'm glad you're not having surgery Melissa. is the pain being addressed though? 

i signed a lease on an apartment today! moving in next Wednesday 

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