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You ever get so convinced that someone just released a toxic aerosol or powder in an attempt to kill everyone around and you start to feel sick? Yeah. Kept happening on the bus today. 

If I wasn't such a wimp with confrontations I would so confront the person but I just keep quiet and hope that I'm wrong that they're not about to kill everyone. 

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I feel both like my parents are going to get into/have gotten into the notebook I take to my pdoc's and tdoc's (and which is meant for their eyes only), even though I carefully hid it to prevent this, and that someone might get into/has gotten into some papers on my passenger's seat of my car, even though I carefully placed them upside down so no one could read them from outside the car. (I still figured it was safer to have the papers in my car, though, then at work, because rationally speaking at least then they would have to break into my car, which might dissuade them, whereas if they were with me at work, someone definitely could take a look at them - of course, I kind of believe someone would be able to get into them, in my car, without actually physically breaking in, even though I am not sure how, maybe the papers are sufficiently translucent that they can read what's on the other side; of course the consequences of them getting access to the papers is they would be able to redirect one of my old retirement accounts into a retirement account of their choosing, and yes, they probably would need my birthdate and SSN, but they probably have ways of getting those.)

(And yes, I know I am paranoid right now.)

Edited by Closure
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39 minutes ago, iaawal said:

I know it might not be comforting but having insight is a big step even if it makes you feel worse. :( 

These days I generally have insight into my paranoia. Once I gain insight into something I generally do not lose it (but I can go years without any insight at all into something). My problem is that I still act on my paranoia sometimes even when I know it isn't real - it feels so real that knowing it is not real does not make a difference.

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7 hours ago, Closure said:

I feel both like my parents are going to get into/have gotten into the notebook I take to my pdoc's and tdoc's (and which is meant for their eyes only), even though I carefully hid it to prevent this,

I'm sorry this happened.  I understand your concern ... my parents read stuff I'd written also and it really affected me ... it felt like I was violated in a way.  I wasn't paranoid back then, but have become extra careful now.  I live on my own and I still hide things. 

The best thing that works for me is to type it all on the computer, then save it somewhere on my computer that I only know where it is, and that it can't be searched for.  ie, when I save something I wrote, in the title of what I save it as, I will save it as "bills" or whatever, mixed in with a list of a lot of other things that makes it very hard to find.

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And yeah, I had a really long and vivid auditory hallucination this afternoon, which sticks out because I very rarely have auditory hallucinations, aside from my voice-scrambling, they never have been so long or vivid, and almost all of them have been hypnagogic (this was while I was wide awake). I only could really tell this was a hallucination because like all my auditory hallucinations aside from voice-scrambling this did not sound like it was coming from anywhere, and it did not sound like a real sound something would make. (It could have been a really long, odd ringtone, but it did not sound like it was coming from anyone's phone.)

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15 minutes ago, heilmania said:

This evening, I was actually brave enough to introduce myself to two people I really admire. Like, in real life with handshakes and all. They both offered me their business cards. I died. :D 

That's such a good feeling isn't it?!?!?!?! I remember when I went to an event and brought back a business card someone gave me I was like WEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! 

That's awesome!!

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Just now, iaawal said:

That's such a good feeling isn't it?!?!?!?! I remember when I went to an event and brought back a business card someone gave me I was like WEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! 

That's awesome!!

Thank you! I'm still so excited. Now I have to figure out what to say in an email to one of them. The other just wants me to email her to remind her to do something.

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37 minutes ago, heilmania said:

Thank you! I'm still so excited. Now I have to figure out what to say in an email to one of them. The other just wants me to email her to remind her to do something.

Welp, if you're anything like me you better grab some coffee and food because sending that email will take hours. LOL. 

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5 hours ago, heilmania said:

This evening, I was actually brave enough to introduce myself to two people I really admire. Like, in real life with handshakes and all. They both offered me their business cards. I died. :D 

That is brave and a hard thing to do!  Did anything change (in general ... med tweak, therapy, etc) so you were able to introduce yourself to these people?  I think this is wonderful!  Congratulations!

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1 hour ago, melissaw72 said:

That is brave and a hard thing to do!  Did anything change (in general ... med tweak, therapy, etc) so you were able to introduce yourself to these people?  I think this is wonderful!  Congratulations!

Thank you! I even asked a question during the panel discussion!

I think, med-wise, I'm stable and doing well. I think the Adderall increase (from 20 to 30mgs) I had a few months ago has improved my mood a lot, and being social feels a little less exhausting. My Klonopin has been doing its job with my anxiety in general. I finally got my Abilify fully back in my system and actually stopping my hallucinations (I screwed it up during the holidays and had awful repercussions). My Effexor feels like a solid base that the rest of my meds are built upon. 

I think the big change for me is that I work at a different place. My new boss has helped me feel more confident, and I realized I actually know what I'm talking about when it comes to nonprofit management. This panel discussion was on creative placemaking, which I've studied and practiced extensively, so I felt like I could talk about it and my job and organization. 

I also drank a big coffee during the panel discussion, lol. :P 

6 hours ago, iaawal said:

Welp, if you're anything like me you better grab some coffee and food because sending that email will take hours. LOL. 

AND I'm planning to ask my boss about the requirements to do his job, as he's resigned effective the end of June. If I could do the job, it would cut my 10-year plan in half. 

I'm also terrified the crazy will break through and ruin an entire organization. It hasn't happened yet, but my anxiety makes me ask the question, you know?

 

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16 minutes ago, heilmania said:

I'm also terrified the crazy will break through and ruin an entire organization. It hasn't happened yet, but my anxiety makes me ask the question, you know?

Yes, I do know.  In a way it is kind of a "good" (anxiety) thing (in some cases) because you can prepare for it ahead of time ... Something I do is always carry PRN meds with me so I don't get into a bind.  Or at least enough that would get me home so I can deal with (whatever) at home instead of a crowd.  That helps with the fear and anxiety of something happening unexpectedly.

However, on the other hand, I know this is easier said than done, but try not to worry about becoming symptomatic/breakthrough anxiety, etc.  It can happen at any time, unannounced and completely unpredictable (at least for me).  So worrying about it IMO doesn't seem to help much because how can you predict something like breakthrough symptoms?  That is why I said in the first paragraph that I always carry some PRNs with me, to reduce the anxiety (at least for me).

I hope this makes sense ... I don't know how else to word it. 

 

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4 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

Yes, I do know.  In a way it is kind of a "good" (anxiety) thing (in some cases) because you can prepare for it ahead of time ... Something I do is always carry PRN meds with me so I don't get into a bind.  Or at least enough that would get me home so I can deal with (whatever) at home instead of a crowd.  That helps with the fear and anxiety of something happening unexpectedly.

However, on the other hand, I know this is easier said than done, but try not to worry about becoming symptomatic/breakthrough anxiety, etc.  It can happen at any time, unannounced and completely unpredictable (at least for me).  So worrying about it IMO doesn't seem to help much because how can you predict something like breakthrough symptoms?  That is why I said in the first paragraph that I always carry some PRNs with me, to reduce the anxiety (at least for me).

I hope this makes sense ... I don't know how else to word it.

You're totally making sense. I always have my Klonopin with me, and thank goodness it doesn't make me drowsy! Taking an extra combined with a step outside or "bathroom break" almost always seems to help. 

I know what you mean that I shouldn't worry about breakthrough symptoms, but I can't help but fear I'll suddenly have a psychotic break or something and ruin my career and an organization at the same time. It's a totally ridiculous fear- I've never even been IP- but a fear nonetheless. :( 

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14 minutes ago, heilmania said:

It's a totally ridiculous fear

I honestly don't think it is a ridiculous fear.  When breakthrough symptoms happen whenever they want to, it is a totally rational fear.

I understand you not wanting to go IP.  I see it how it could be a good thing or a bad thing ... depends on the hospital, DRs, nurses, treatment, etc. So it could go either way.  But you are doing really well now. 

 

15 minutes ago, heilmania said:

but I can't help but fear I'll suddenly have a psychotic break or something and ruin my career and an organization at the same time.

You know though, you knowing this (what could happen) ahead of time, I think really helps.  If you did not have that worry/question in your mind about what could happen, you might not be prepared if something did happen.  So it is great that you are prepared the best you can for something unpredictable.

One thing that helps me, is to think of various hypothetical situations that I might be in ... so if they ever do happen (which has happened to me), you'll have in the back of your mind an idea of what you will say/do.  I do this all the time for different situations that might happen, and different conversations that I might have.  I am able to "edit" my thoughts so if I am thinking of something, I can think how (whatever it is) would or would not be a good/helpful thing to say/do.

I'm really glad you are doing so well!

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