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One of my voices has been crap. Miserable. Wanna kill myself. Going hiking tomorrow, just keep telling myself dead people can't go hiking. After tomorrow I suppose I'll keep signing up to hiking days out until it's over.

Edited by anethara
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I can always hold myself together while out in public.  And with a 'happy face.' 

For some reason though, end of last week I just couldn't keep myself together enough when I was out in public.  I was at a DR appt, and the DR asked how I was, and I looked at him and teared up, to the point where I couldn't talk, or else I'd burst into tears.  I didn't full out cry like I needed to, but still, I can always hold the tears back.  Not sure why I couldn't that day, but at least I got home without a problem when walking home.

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The paranoia is leaking through again, with thoughts of being poisoned, being watched/monitored, my stuff being tampered with, being followed, and so on appearing again. Furthermore, the last two days I have been getting lots of thought broadcasting, where I believe people can hear my internal self-talk even though I am not actually saying it out loud. Maybe the cariprazine was doing something after all, and trying to replace it with an increased dose of risperidone is not working. However, cariprazine has a long half-life (about two weeks), so it is probably too early to be certain whether this is actually due to stopping the cariprazine or not.

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I'm having psychotic thought processes - mainly getting signs/messages warning me about the evil entity - but since I have insight still my doctors aren't worried about it. Is that reasonable? I guess they can't jump every time I have the tiniest bit of psychosis. It's chronic for me as far as I can tell. But still it feels like they should be doing something. 

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My pdoc wants me to use skills learned in therapy to deal with more everyday psychosis, which does feel a bit frustrating at times, but at the same time is willing to make med changes to deal with more pronounced psychosis (like the episodes of such which I have been having not too infrequently lately).

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Diagnosis change today: full Schizophrenia, not just SZ NOS anymore. I finally got to talk to my psychiatrist over the phone. I may be reducing some of my antipsychotics as she thinks they may be making me worse. Plus the drooling and weight gain. Hopefully the results will be good!

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I didn't do any cleaning today and haven't for many, many weeks. It's disgusting around here. How do I get motivation? The longer I put it off the more I panic about it. How do I get back on track?

All this after I received 2 signs from the world that everything is going to be ok after all. A bright spot in my morning. I don't know what to think or trust. 

Also I'm hearing some belittling and degrading talk about me out and about. I see my toxic ex friend who wants to get me back/harm me, everywhere I go almost. No doubt she is causing some of this. 

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9 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Could you get something at least PRN for anxiety? Klonopin works wonders for me personally. YMMV. I still get bad panic though who am I kidding. 

I agree with Cheese about a PRN for anxiety ... Xanax works for me (as needed) for breakthrough symptoms.

 

8 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I didn't do any cleaning today and haven't for many, many weeks. It's disgusting around here. How do I get motivation? The longer I put it off the more I panic about it. How do I get back on track?

When I do/was deal/ing with this ... especially the panic/stress about knowing it really needed to be done, but that I had no motivation or "want" to do anything ... I just cleaned one thing.  Which led to another etc.  This doesn't always work though.  Other times I get a really tiny ounce of actually really thinking strongly of cleaning, and I take that opportunity to just start on something, big or small. 

Also, just sometimes picking up stuff makes me want to clean.  I start off thinking how I'll "just" pick up stuff to at least make it look neater.  And then I get more motivation to clean.  If I come across something really dirty or dusty, it makes me want to clean everything because if (whatever I had just cleaned) was that bad, what is the other stuff like?

 

9 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I received 2 signs from the world that everything is going to be ok after all. A bright spot in my morning. I don't know what to think or trust. 

I would personally go with it, and stay positive with that thought!  I've felt similar, and when I get to the point that everything will work out, I do my best to stay with it, and it usually works for awhile.  I hope it stays with you for a long time!

 

9 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Also I'm hearing some belittling and degrading talk about me out and about.

Do you mean hearing voices, or coming from actual people telling you this stuff?

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2 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

I agree with Cheese about a PRN for anxiety ... Xanax works for me (as needed) for breakthrough symptoms.

 

When I do/was deal/ing with this ... especially the panic/stress about knowing it really needed to be done, but that I had no motivation or "want" to do anything ... I just cleaned one thing.  Which led to another etc.  This doesn't always work though.  Other times I get a really tiny ounce of actually really thinking strongly of cleaning, and I take that opportunity to just start on something, big or small. 

Also, just sometimes picking up stuff makes me want to clean.  I start off thinking how I'll "just" pick up stuff to at least make it look neater.  And then I get more motivation to clean.  If I come across something really dirty or dusty, it makes me want to clean everything because if (whatever I had just cleaned) was that bad, what is the other stuff like?

 

I would personally go with it, and stay positive with that thought!  I've felt similar, and when I get to the point that everything will work out, I do my best to stay with it, and it usually works for awhile.  I hope it stays with you for a long time!

 

Do you mean hearing voices, or coming from actual people telling you this stuff?

I love your cleaning idea Melissa! Thank you so much! This might be my ticket out of this slump. Today I'm going to try to dust the house and see how that goes. I'm crossing my fingers that I can do this one thing at least!

And thanks again! I will do my best to stay positive with it all! I'm trying! I want to!

As far as the hearing things, I think it is hearing voices. It sounds and seems like it could be coming from random people or known people but I've been through this before and I'm really trying to keep perspective that it's not real and that no one is really talking bad about me.

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24 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I love your cleaning idea Melissa! Thank you so much! This might be my ticket out of this slump. Today I'm going to try to dust the house and see how that goes. I'm crossing my fingers that I can do this one thing at least!

And thanks again! I will do my best to stay positive with it all! I'm trying! I want to!

As far as the hearing things, I think it is hearing voices. It sounds and seems like it could be coming from random people or known people but I've been through this before and I'm really trying to keep perspective that it's not real and that no one is really talking bad about me.

You're welcome :) 

I hope you are able to get the dusting done today ... crossing my fingers for you!

And YES!  Definitely stay positive!  I'm trying to do the same thing now.  If I hit a bump in the road, I try to think of things from a different perspective now, ie, there was nothing I could do about it anyway, or it is out of my hands, or (said in a nice way, not angry or whatever, totally honest) 'What do you want me to do about (whatever it is) ... really, I can't do it'.  Stuff like that.  Because for me at least, if I can't do it, I can't do it.  It would just add more to the stress I already am dealing with.  Also, if someone says something to me like a personal attack or just something mean, I turn it around and say, "It takes one to know one."

A big thing I learned was to say "No" to people.  If you can't do something, for me I just say I can't.  Like with commitments ... I hardly ever commit to something because I know I won't be able to stay committed (based on past experience).  So if someone asks me to do something, I might do it, but I make it crystal clear that I can't commit to it.  I might do it that once, but nothing more.  And if I get stressed/panicked when I'm asked to do anything, I do not do it.  That just stresses me out even more.

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13 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Could you get something at least PRN for anxiety? Klonopin works wonders for me personally. YMMV. I still get bad panic though who am I kidding. 

I dont think my doctor prescribes benzos unfortunately. 

13 hours ago, Iceberg said:

@Butterflykisses Is it all day long or in episodes? 

It comes in waves but its worse at night

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