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Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?

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i'm so over people making unsolicited comments about my symptoms, calling me delusional, saying i lack insight.

they must not realise that the times i have "insight" according to mental health professionals, i'm just abjectly suicidal at the damage done and the thought of all the damage i will do.

and then i think, what if they're right and i am delusional? it's like an obligation on my part to remove myself from the worlds of those i love the most, especially my small girl. i don't want to leave her, but i can't live on apart from her.

i thought people were my friends. they just seem to apply their ideas of what they want or need or believe i need....isn't that a recognized form of mental health stigma: to believe you know better than the mentally ill person what s/he needs?

i feel just overcome right now. this discrediting ailment makes it so that people i know and even those i don't, like the receptionist for the dentist, prioritize asking intrusive question or making really hurtful comments.

that's never going to magically give me insight. it's just going to offend me and alienate and isolate me. and people would rather be in their minds "right" than compassionate and see me as a person.

i don't know how much longer i can endure this. the voices were better, but now they're just meaner. they're laughing at me just like most of those fuckers on cb are laughing and passing judgment on me.

as the saying goes...judge a person by how they treat those they dislike, because everyone can treat their friends well. turns out, both groups have a habit treating me like an ignorant child.

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Aw, @mellifluous, you are so right. Being called delusional (whether one is or is not doesn't really matter) is so hurtful. That comment is not only dismissive, but it throws a wrench in the lines of communication immediately- there's nothing you can say to defend yourself (if you say "no, I'm not," they say, "yes, you are," and the discussion is immediately over), and the person who called you that in the first place isn't interested in hearing anything more from you. 

It's not playing fair. 

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12 hours ago, heilmania said:

Aw, @mellifluous, you are so right. Being called delusional (whether one is or is not doesn't really matter) is so hurtful. That comment is not only dismissive, but it throws a wrench in the lines of communication immediately- there's nothing you can say to defend yourself (if you say "no, I'm not," they say, "yes, you are," and the discussion is immediately over), and the person who called you that in the first place isn't interested in hearing anything more from you. 

It's not playing fair. 

you know what, though? i have a small girl. she's everything to me. i feel my heart will burst just thinking about her.

but what if they're all right? what if i am that sick. i'm exposing her to that.

what is my social obligation? if i'm incapable of ...i mean, i haven't been able to read decently for a while. that's pretty basic shit we're talking about. i haven't showered yet this week. i changed my clothes once.

i am freaking the fuck out about this dentist thing for a reason that others see as trivial or dismissable. and...

i feel this happens to me; it's happened before: i have this glimmer of thinking maybe i *am* just that ill...and if that's true, i need to rectify my existence as quickly as possible so as not to do more damage and be a net negative in the world. but what if i'm already unkillable because of the damage i've done? what if she is doomed to have her life ruined because i'm a "schizophrenic with delusions lacking insight?"

fuck, i don't have a flat affect at least because can bring me to tears instantly. holy shit. i don't know what to do. i just want what's best for her. and i'm terrified that it might not be me at all. that i might be what's worst for her.

i don't know. i really don't. but i've had all of these thoughts before and maybe i just need to let one of them sink into my thick head. it's too much. it's just too much.

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10 minutes ago, mellifluous said:

you know what, though? i have a small girl. she's everything to me. i feel my heart will burst just thinking about her.

but what if they're all right? what if i am that sick. i'm exposing her to that.

what is my social obligation? if i'm incapable of ...i mean, i haven't been able to read decently for a while. that's pretty basic shit we're talking about. i haven't showered yet this week. i changed my clothes once.

i am freaking the fuck out about this dentist thing for a reason that others see as trivial or dismissable. and...

i feel this happens to me; it's happened before: i have this glimmer of thinking maybe i *am* just that ill...and if that's true, i need to rectify my existence as quickly as possible so as not to do more damage and be a net negative in the world. but what if i'm already unkillable because of the damage i've done? what if she is doomed to have her life ruined because i'm a "schizophrenic with delusions lacking insight?"

fuck, i don't have a flat affect at least because can bring me to tears instantly. holy shit. i don't know what to do. i just want what's best for her. and i'm terrified that it might not be me at all. that i might be what's worst for her.

i don't know. i really don't. but i've had all of these thoughts before and maybe i just need to let one of them sink into my thick head. it's too much. it's just too much.

If you are "that sick", your small girl will grow up to be understanding and empathetic.

I grew up watching my mom have awful panic attacks that would leave her laying on the bathroom floor. I might have turned out a little crazy myself, but I blame that on genetics, not exposure to mental illness via my parent. I don't want to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but I credit my mom with raising me to be kind, empathetic, nonjudgemental, patient (at least with those in crisis), and caring. Part of that comes from understanding mental illness, and part of that is because she has always been a wonderful mom to me.

What's best for your little one is to be with her mother who loves her. If things were really bad, I truly believe your partner would protect your child from you, and that's not happening. The way you interact with her is all that matters, and it sounds like you do so with a lot of love and care. Children are adaptable, forgiving little people, and what she's going to remember is that despite everything you deal with, you always looked after her. That means a lot.

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Think I've reached the post-psychotic depression phase. I'm hoping with the medication increase this part never happens again, because it just screws everything up. 

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I'm going to be in a partial-hospitalization program all week, 9-3. I've been IP before, and I was trying to avoid it by trying to get into an intensive outpatient program, but the psychologist who assessed me said I'm too high risk for that program, and she wants me in this more intense one. She said if she doesn't see improvement, she wants me IP again. I'm supposed to call Monday morning to find the closest location. I just happen to randomly be off work this week, which is amazing, because I can't afford to take time off. 

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That sounds like a good chance for you to  get the help you have been needing,Heilmania! I really hope it helps! 

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Husband might or might not be getting sick. Please no. Please please please please please please please no. I can't handle it right now. He has his cancer Dr appointment this Friday too. That and the voices and messages...it's too much. I can't. 

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Everything fell through. The mental-health care system is the pits. Going back to old pdoc. Experiment over. 

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i hate my fucking situation and everyone who's ever decided they're better than me with their consensus reality bullshit can go FUCK yourselves. 

i'm losing my shit. i can tell. and i don't even know where to begin. but i'm tired of being called foolish and delusional and insane and i am NOT just taking it anymore. that's right, fuckers! 

if you dislike me, fine, but could you stop trying to ruin my fucking life? i mean, is that too much to ask? and if you do dislike me, know that i don't trust you and i don't give a fuck what you think about me BECAUSE you dislike me. leave me the fuck alone already!

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38 minutes ago, mellifluous said:

wow, that was quick

night meds + PRNs = i'm going to bed really soon 

Aw, Melli. I hope you'll get some peaceful rest. 

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Just checkin' in!  My Vraylar has worked out well.  It's all good.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am OK.

 

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1 hour ago, whatsizbucket said:

Just checkin' in!  My Vraylar has worked out well.  It's all good.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am OK.

 

so glad you are, bucket :) xx

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Having the worst day I've had in months. Managing to scrape myself through work, less than an hour to go. So much agitation, paranoia, delusions. Some insight, which is a blessing. I have to remember not to make decisions when like this that could be majorly regretted later.

Only one week till I see my psych, thank goodness. Pretty sure this dose of haloperidol is too low, if the symptoms have been so persistent

 

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I just came into my room and my water bottle was moved. Now I think someone moved the bottle and put rabies inside so I can get infected. Why would someone do that to me?

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