Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Parapluie

Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?

Recommended Posts

When I get in a bad place I like to listen to this song.  The lyrics are really pertinent to how I feel sometimes.  Check it out on YouTube sometime. 

Linkin Park - Heavy

I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go, but there's comfort in the panic

And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can't escape the gravity

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry

I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I'm paranoid
But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me
It's not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy

I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry

I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry

I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/15/2018 at 1:56 PM, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I wonder what and who is really real. I don't feel real. Not at all. 

I can relate to this..

Lately it's as though everything and everyone are far away and I am distant..

My feet don't even feel like they are solidly touching what would be called the ground..

It's as though I am starting to fade away and everything in this world is beginning to blur..

The lines are crossing and ziggzagging and circling around me leaving me to feel abandoned..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I saw pdoc yesterday and just wanted to burst out crying..

I'm just a mess..

I'm beyond lonely..

I'm realizing the only people I talk to is her and my mom..

I should be grateful for at least having that..

But I am such a burden on both..

One with a prescription pad trying to keep me out of the hospital..

One trying to take care of me because I can't do anything for myself..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
32 minutes ago, coraline said:

I saw pdoc yesterday and just wanted to burst out crying..

I'm just a mess..

I'm beyond lonely..

I'm realizing the only people I talk to is her and my mom..

I should be grateful for at least having that..

But I am such a burden on both..

One with a prescription pad trying to keep me out of the hospital..

One trying to take care of me because I can't do anything for myself..

Trust that you are loved.  I know this for a fact.  You are never alone, even when you feel like that.  You are a burden on no one.  It's OK to cry, that is how we release built up emotions.  Don't ever feel ashamed. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Deleted cause I can't think straight..

 

Edited by coraline

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, gb84 said:

Trust that you are loved.  I know this for a fact.  You are never alone, even when you feel like that.  You are a burden on no one.  It's OK to cry, that is how we release built up emotions.  Don't ever feel ashamed. 

Thank you for your kindness and understanding..

I just wish things were different..

I lost the few friends I had because I must be too much to deal with..

My ex ignored me for a week then told me to fuck off while I needed support..

I have family that won't talk to me..

I'm not trying to throw a pity party..

Just stating facts..

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm back from traveling to see my father and feel like my head is jumbled. Everything went well, even my small girl on sixteen hours of plane each way. But we discussed my mum whilst there and I know I have shit to work through and I just don't know whether it's worthwhile in a way. Does her death affect me still? I was hospitalized last month and my small girl visited me there on my birthday. Am I part of a repeating cycle?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/21/2018 at 1:15 PM, mellifluous said:

I'm back from traveling to see my father and feel like my head is jumbled. Everything went well, even my small girl on sixteen hours of plane each way. But we discussed my mum whilst there and I know I have shit to work through and I just don't know whether it's worthwhile in a way. Does her death affect me still? I was hospitalized last month and my small girl visited me there on my birthday. Am I part of a repeating cycle?

You may feel that you are part of a repeating cycle..

But you are doing everything right to break the loop..

You are strong and resilient..

 

 

I meant to add that if you're concerned about raising you're little girl around your illness and hospitalizations..

Don't worry..she is loved..she knows this..it's all that matters to her..

My mother grew up in the same situation and came out as a well adjusted women..

Her mother..my grandmother..had schizophrenia..who was in and out of the hospital..

She'd go on and off her meds until she eventually didn't and stayed hospital free..

so it is all so familiar..

I still have a ring she gave me when I was 5..

 

Sorry I keep editing this..

I just can't think straight these days..

 

 

 

 

Edited by coraline
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wake up..

Check phone..

Waiting for an apology I will never get..

Empty messages..nobody contacts me..I am alone..

 

Make coffee..a highlight of my day..

Force down the meds..the things I think are poison..

Early mornings with my dog on my lap waiting for quiet..

Sipping coffee I feel like crying..

My mom wakes up eventually and I have company in this..

 

The morning moves at a slow yet fast pace..

Constantly sipping coffee and going outside for smokes..

I feel the silent moments..

They get interrupted with the hatred and loathing..

Make another pot of coffee..

 

The loneliness starts settling in..

The phone is a phantom..the contact list a pointless character..

I need to learn to ignore myself..

To stop dreaming..

 

Force down some food..

Try to take Bailey for a walk..

Attempt to ignore the things we call symptoms..

Go back to sleep..

These are my days..

 

At night I force myself to eat..

Watch some tv..

Force down the meds I think are poison..

Eventually end up in bed with Bailey..hopefully in silence..

 

Yesterday I just couldn't handle anything..

I was on the couch trying to relax..

I snapped..voices took over..so much noise..

I went to hide in my room..where the demons are..

It's just too much..

 

I'm exhausted..

I need out of this..

It needs to fade away..

 

 

 

  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm new, but I thought I'd drop in. 21, SZA bipolar. Things haven't been too bad lately. I was on a late night four-hour coach last night and things started getting weird, and I had no idea what was real or just my stupid "imagination". The coach was forty minutes late and I didn't take my meds in case I fell asleep and missed my stop, but I was hearing all kinds of weird shit. Several songs which weren't there, and a couple in front of me chattering loudly who weren't there either. Thankfully when I got back I had my meds and some extra diazepam and crashed straight out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/16/2018 at 11:36 AM, Waterloo Sunset said:

I'm new, but I thought I'd drop in. 21, SZA bipolar. Things haven't been too bad lately. I was on a late night four-hour coach last night and things started getting weird, and I had no idea what was real or just my stupid "imagination". The coach was forty minutes late and I didn't take my meds in case I fell asleep and missed my stop, but I was hearing all kinds of weird shit. Several songs which weren't there, and a couple in front of me chattering loudly who weren't there either. Thankfully when I got back I had my meds and some extra diazepam and crashed straight out.

Welcome..

Ugh..the stress of all the head noise..

I've been a wreck myself..no escape though..

Sleep can be a cure..

Good thing you managed to crash..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been majorly depressed since cymbalta stopped working. We tried prozac but it didn't work and I just started Pristiq hoping a more potent AD will help. Because I'm not severely psychotic or manic right now, I can't get services from my treatment quickly enough. Tdoc appointment is now every three months. How the fuck do I deal with everything that has happened over three months in a 30 minute session? 

  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My husband is looking at maps on the Internet and I feel sure that they are somehow related to me. I think he is looking up my location and places I've been, even though I've never been to that part of the country. It's really creeping me out. Also when he types in a search term I think everything that comes up is about me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/29/2018 at 5:32 PM, CeremonyNewOrder said:

I've been majorly depressed since cymbalta stopped working. We tried prozac but it didn't work and I just started Pristiq hoping a more potent AD will help. Because I'm not severely psychotic or manic right now, I can't get services from my treatment quickly enough. Tdoc appointment is now every three months. How the fuck do I deal with everything that has happened over three months in a 30 minute session? 

I wish the meds were working better for you..

Hopefully pristiq does the job..

Having to wait so long for help is unfair..

Maybe journaling or blogging might help in the meantime..you always have here for support..

I hate the rush that appointments with both tdocs and pdocs provide..

It's like sit down and listen..damn you..

I wish you well..

And hope things get better for you soon..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/1/2018 at 8:18 PM, Juniper29 said:

My husband is looking at maps on the Internet and I feel sure that they are somehow related to me. I think he is looking up my location and places I've been, even though I've never been to that part of the country. It's really creeping me out. Also when he types in a search term I think everything that comes up is about me.

I can understand..

I get anxious when my mom is over in her chair looking at the internet..

I'm constantly asking what she's doing..

I'm scared it's stuff about me..

I wish my head would screw itself on straight and let me think more clearly..

All this annoying head noise..

I want it to stop..

I relate to you're worries..

But I can assure you that there's nothing going on..

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can feel myself getting dull..

I can barely hold an adult conversation..

 

My mom wants to talk politics and news..

I want to talk about if crayons are better than markers..

 

Am I completely going brain dead..

Are my meds just turning my head into goopy mess..

I can barely follow a conversation...

I space out so much..

 

I feel like I spend much of my time watching walls listening to voices..

These meds occasionally keep them at bay..

But I do still find myself getting lost...

 

Things flow from better to worse..

My mom worries..

 

My pdoc out of the blue texted me to see how I am..

My appointment isn't until the end of the month..

Odd..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, coraline said:

I can feel myself getting dull..

I can barely hold an adult conversation..

 

My mom wants to talk politics and news..

I want to talk about if crayons are better than markers..

 

Am I completely going brain dead..

Are my meds just turning my head into goopy mess..

I can barely follow a conversation...

I space out so much..

 

I feel like I spend much of my time watching walls listening to voices..

These meds occasionally keep them at bay..

But I do still find myself getting lost...

 

Things flow from better to worse..

My mom worries..

 

My pdoc out of the blue texted me to see how I am..

My appointment isn't until the end of the month..

Odd..

I am dull as well. I let the other person or other people do the talking. I have nothing to say anyway. My case manager said I was very distractable and spacing out during our last meeting. She kept asking what I was thinking about. ?

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The government still hasn’t given me the results of my long SSDI review. I’m worried. It should have been here by now I thought.

 They always plot to take it away from me. Hurt the little guys who barely make anything from it. Why? I think they do it for kicks. Awful.

I know they spy on me and think that because I haven’t been hospitalized in 3 years or more maybe that I’m perfectly well and can work full time. I can’t handle work though in reality as much as I want to. They don’t care. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

The government still hasn’t given me the results of my long SSDI review. I’m worried. It should have been here by now I thought.

 They always plot to take it away from me. Hurt the little guys who barely make anything from it. Why? I think they do it for kicks. Awful.

I know they spy on me and think that because I haven’t been hospitalized in 3 years or more maybe that I’m perfectly well and can work full time. I can’t handle work though in reality as much as I want to. They don’t care. 

I hope they give you an answer soon..

Are you still receiving funds?..

Maybe they are quicker at denying than approving..

Just a thought..

I totally feel spied on as well..

Especially since I haven't been hospitalized in awhile..

Must prove I'm "better"..

Even though life is still a battle I'm..well we are both trying to win..

I swear these reviews are a way to harm us and mess with us..

Scare tactics..

I don't know what to expect..

How the hell do they expect people with severe mental illnesses to run out and work..

Maybe some can..

But I'm surely not one of them..

It's been proven..

I really hope they get back to you soon..

The last thing you need is more stress and worry..

Edited by coraline

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...