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Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?

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12 hours ago, aura said:

@Iceberg and @CeremonyNewOrder My wife is really worried about me and wants me to go to hospital tomorrow morning, so that's the plan. Been getting death signals from the universe all day, so maybe it's for the best.

I think it is best for you to go to hospital if you're still getting death signals..

Being safe is always the best plan..

 

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The sensor in my brain and the voices of the universe have been bad. The day started off ok. But now it’s total chaos in my mind. I’m feeling pressured to “beat the clock” and do something before the universe does something to me. But I’m scared. So I’m probably safe. I don’t think my usual plan would work. I think it will fail. So I have no plan for real I guess.

It still blows my mind that another person here on CB gets death messages from the universe. I feel like the universe is fucking with me majorly by sending this person to these message boards. A kindred soul. It’s just so messed up. I’ve never met anyone else who has this problem. I’m sorry that it happens to others. I’m just blown away. Very sad that this is happening to another kind and wonderful person. I suffered with this for so long and now this happens. There has to be a reason. I don’t trust the universe and its intentions towards me. 

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16 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

The sensor in my brain and the voices of the universe have been bad. The day started off ok. But now it’s total chaos in my mind. I’m feeling pressured to “beat the clock” and do something before the universe does something to me. But I’m scared. So I’m probably safe. I don’t think my usual plan would work. I think it will fail. So I have no plan for real I guess.

It still blows my mind that another person here on CB gets death messages from the universe. I feel like the universe is fucking with me majorly by sending this person to these message boards. A kindred soul. It’s just so messed up. I’ve never met anyone else who has this problem. I’m sorry that it happens to others. I’m just blown away. Very sad that this is happening to another kind and wonderful person. I suffered with this for so long and now this happens. There has to be a reason. I don’t trust the universe and its intentions towards me. 

My days often ebb and flow as well..

I hope you do stay safe and resist the messages..

I know how hard it can be..

I try hard each day as well to distract..

I as well don't trust the universe's intent..

 

I think many people with our condition experience similar "symptoms" for lack of better words..

But yes it is as though you have a kindred spirit here..

It is awful that all this happens to us..

But we must all stay strong..

We are all connected in this journey..

And one day we will win this fight..

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Days have been weird. I decided to stop the meds two weeks ago or even more, i cant remember. Couldnt sleep with or without them, tried to take seroquel to sleep but it made me go late to all my classes cause i couldnt wake up. Cant eat with or whitout the pills, havent had propper meals since i got out of hospital, i simply dont want or cant eat at all i can go a whole day just taking coffee and cigarrettes. Other than that my mood has been stable (dont know how) my paranoia is a little rising but i can control it like i sort of know its my head and that i should chill out. No hallucinations. Havent self harmed. The pills made things a lot worse. But i know i cant stay like this. Im seeing a new pdoc next monday, hope she can give me new meds, like totally new meds. I hope i can make it till there. Also just got a "great" new, suddenly my family decided to confess to me that my uncle suffers from bipolar and is developing schizophrenia, also one of the sisters of my grandma is a schizophrenic too. I didnt knew where my disorder came from. Two years it took to my family to tell me that others were sick too and thats where it comes from. It sort of makes me calm cause it makes sense now and i dont feel guilty. 

Edited by Angerr

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On 10/21/2018 at 1:53 PM, Angerr said:

Days have been weird. I decided to stop the meds two weeks ago or even more, i cant remember. Couldnt sleep with or without them, tried to take seroquel to sleep but it made me go late to all my classes cause i couldnt wake up. Cant eat with or whitout the pills, havent had propper meals since i got out of hospital, i simply dont want or cant eat at all i can go a whole day just taking coffee and cigarrettes. Other than that my mood has been stable (dont know how) my paranoia is a little rising but i can control it like i sort of know its my head and that i should chill out. No hallucinations. Havent self harmed. The pills made things a lot worse. But i know i cant stay like this. Im seeing a new pdoc next monday, hope she can give me new meds, like totally new meds. I hope i can make it till there. Also just got a "great" new, suddenly my family decided to confess to me that my uncle suffers from bipolar and is developing schizophrenia, also one of the sisters of my grandma is a schizophrenic too. I didnt knew where my disorder came from. Two years it took to my family to tell me that others were sick too and thats where it comes from. It sort of makes me calm cause it makes sense now and i dont feel guilty. 

I hope the new pdoc works out..

Just hold on till then..

Illness runs in my family too..

I'm glad it brought you to a place of not feeling guilty since finding out about your family history..

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Just got back from the pharmacy..

When it was my turn I told her I had no idea why I was there..

I am falling from reality or something..

My mom was waiting in the car with Bailey..

I told my mom what happened and she said to either call pdoc or pull it together..

I'm so lost..

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2 hours ago, coraline said:

Just got back from the pharmacy..

When it was my turn I told her I had no idea why I was there..

I am falling from reality or something..

My mom was waiting in the car with Bailey..

I told my mom what happened and she said to either call pdoc or pull it together..

I'm so lost..

Try bringing a list with you next time.  If I go to the store without one, I'll end up walking out with half of what I needed.  Then I will remember when I get home.  My memory is terrible, so don't beat yourself up, it's OK to forget. 

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8 hours ago, gb84 said:

Try bringing a list with you next time.  If I go to the store without one, I'll end up walking out with half of what I needed.  Then I will remember when I get home.  My memory is terrible, so don't beat yourself up, it's OK to forget. 

They know what meds I'm there for..

It was like I had no idea why I was even standing there..

I got completely gone..

 

Edited by coraline

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I'm falling down a hole..

Living in a shadow listening to the chatter trying to make out words..

I'm losing myself in this world..

Messages sent from the tv..

I try to escape but only end up back in the hole..

 

Yesterday was a test and I failed..

Each person I passed on the long walk to the pharmacy reading me like a book..

I a rambling mess..alone but with the ones in my head..

Feeling followed scared to look up..counting the square tiles on the floor trying to ground myself..

But I floated away..

I am separating from myself and the gaping hole is swallowing me up..

 

 

Each day the transmitter gets stronger..

I can't fight it..

I try to distract but feel that's all my life has become..a big distraction..

So much so that the distractions have their own world of drowning me..

I feel as though I only exsist to live in this suspended world full of voices to be held away while they scream at me..

To live to ignore a device that's deeply implanted in my body that's meant to monitor me..but I am left to fight that off..

That I am not to busy my mind with suspicious thoughts of certain colors of cars..

I'm told everything I think is false..

The messages from my room and walls and tv are to be thought of as false..

 

To believe this fully is almost hurtful..

It brings me to a place where I believe that my entire existence is anything but real..

  • Sad 1

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Well, the death threats continue. They persist even though I survived my birthday. The death sensor buried deep in my brain is really bothering me. I'm very worried and upset. 

I can't think straight even. I'm all jumbled.

I just want peace. 

 

 

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I'm home again after another 1.5 weeks IP stay. My plan is to go residential on Wednesday. More fun times with the SZA monster.

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Hi all

its been about a year since I last posted anything

I was given the diagnosis of treatment resitive schizophrena I was put on clozapine but it really screwed with my white blood cells and had to come off it.

Got a full time job but yesterday I had an appointment with my pdoc

He claimed I was still unwell

I disagreed

Now my motivation levels have collapsed. My posistivity is through the floor.

I have gone months feeling great yet after my appointment I feel crap. I have stayed off work work and don't pan on going back. I am currently medication free.

right now I feel I am a worthless schizophrenia suffering pathetic waste of air. I am really struggling. I have a supply of haloperidol and sertraline and I wonder if I should resume taking them. 

Currently my voices are quiet but negative. 

 

Should I wait for my symptoms to get worse before taking the tablets or should I do a pre emptive strike on them. I was hoping to stay medication free as I now have my creativity back after 10 years of feeling nothing.

 

I guess I am depressed. 

Not sure as what to do.

Andy

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I see pdoc tomorrow. Not that she can do anything. This death sensor has taken over my life. What little is left of it anyway.

I'm sad that husband and I got into it last night. He scared me big time. That turns into anger in me. It wasn't pretty. Luckily we don't stay mad long. It was anger out of fear. 

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