Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org




Recommended Posts

My auntie who I love dearly came over yesterday..

One of the only other people in my life that understands me..

I am in no shape to be social..

But she always tries her best to talk to me and distract me with fun things on her phone..

I was so gone and lost..

I felt horrible..But not judged..

 

I did her hair..colored it her favorite bright red shade..

The whole time my mind was tortured..it was awful..

I don't know how it came out good..she loved it..

I can barely handle doing it..But I do it to make her feel good about herself..

She's too shy to go to a salon..

I don't know how I ever worked..

And it makes me sad I never will again..

 

After we had dinner..

It was nice..

But damn my mind was a mess..

I just wanted to crawl under my blanket..which I did..

I'm glad she understands..

 

I was so worn out and still am..

Doubt I will get dressed or budge from the couch..

My mind is mess..

Edited by coraline
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 7.4k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

You insinuated. That is all. I'm done. Blocking!

Take a year off and get yourself stable, I've had to do that before. Breaking for a year with the intention of returning is better than flunking out. You can fix it with the school now so you can come

Oh, it's officially been over a year since my last hospitalization for psychiatric reasons and my last trip to the psychiatric emergency room. Finally!

Posted Images

1 hour ago, coraline said:

This isn't the end of you..

I promise that..

Your mind wants you to believe that right now with everything you're going through..

You are a very a kind soul and you've done nothing wrong..honestly people can get caught up in their lives this time of year..

Try not to take offense to people on Facebook..

 

I'm very sorry about your brother..

I can only imagine how much you must miss him..But you will always have the loving memory of him..

Hold onto that into your heart..try to always remember him in the best of ways to help you get through this..

 

You do not need to beat yourself up because of what you're going through..

I know it's hard..

I have the same struggle and thoughts but try to distract from self loathing..

 

This will not be your last Christmas..

I know that right now you feel that way..

Just hold on and look forward to other days beyond now..

I know you can make it..

You have you're family for support..

And your care team..

And of course here..

 

Thinking of you..

And please stay safe..

Oh cora. Thank you so much. Your kindness and support mean a lot to me. You are so helpful. You have made me cry good tears knowing someone understands and cares. I will try to keep your words in mind when the voices or the death sensor acts up again. Thanks again. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
51 minutes ago, coraline said:

My auntie who I love dearly came over yesterday..

One of the only other people in my life that understands me..

I am in no shape to be social..

But she always tries her best to talk to me and distract me with fun things on her phone..

I was so gone and lost..

I felt horrible..But not judged..

 

I did her hair..colored it her favorite bright red shade..

The whole time my mind was tortured..it was awful..

I don't know how it came out good..she loved it..

I can barely handle doing it..But I do it to make her feel good about herself..

She's too shy to go to a salon..

I don't know how I ever worked..

And it makes me sad I never will again..

 

After we had dinner..

It was nice..

But damn my mind was a mess..

I just wanted to crawl under my blanket..which I did..

I'm glad she understands..

 

I was so worn out and still am..

Doubt I will get dressed or budge from the couch..

My mind is mess..

I think what you did was wonderful and caring for you aunt! Give yourself credit for that! Don’t dismiss it! You did a wonderful job and she loved it! How kind of you! 

But I get the sadnes and grief over not being able to work ever again. I completely understand that feeling and devastion. It’s so hard. We don’t want to be on SSDI, getting so little. I’d give just about anything to be able to work and have a job or career. Not just the money but the socializing (if I were well enough to do so I mean). The empowerment. The sense of accomplishment. The actually having an answer to the “what do you do?” question.

Anyway,, I’m glad your aunt understands. Not many do. People just don’t usually understand SZA or SZ disorders. Too much stigma. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, cakepop said:

I looked at my medical chart and my diagnosis is SZA depressive-type. Originally it was Schizophrenia. Not that it really matters it was just an observation. They also put Agoraphobia down but I don’t feel like I have that issue. 

My new therapist said she doesn’t think I’ll be able to keep appointments.

The treatment for SZ and SZA is pretty much the same. So I would not worry too much about what they say your diagnosis is. As long as the treatment helps, that’s what counts. 

Why did your tdoc say that? That seems rude. How does she know that? Have you been skipping appointments? If not, I don’t understand why she would say such a thing. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, cakepop said:

Yeah very true about the diagnosis thing! I used to take Lithium with an old pdoc. My new pdoc seems like he wants to lean on AAPs as mood stabilizers. I have more depression than anything else.

Well it was my first appt with this tdoc. I suppose she went off of stuff I told her and also the fact that she said she went through my medical records before seeing me? I tend to cancel appts or not show up when symptoms are worse.

It seems like she was just making a practical observation, although it could be interpreted as a bit judgey for a first appointment...did she seem to want to work with you on making a plan to help u get to appointments? That seems like the more important part 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Some real bad stuff happened. Someone pretty much commited a crime against me (extorsion) and i feel really bad, really sad, really anxious. It was someone i admired and even liked. Now i feel so bad im even suicidal. My new med (lyrica:pregabalin) is not working for anxiety and maybe is the source of suicidal toughts. Tomorrow we celebrate christmas here and i really want to die. I am so so sad. I want to kill myself. I dont know what to do. I should write to my pdoc but im so scared to do it, idk what to say. Im so scared she might send me to hospital I CANT TO BACK I WONT GO BACK. IM GOING CRAZY.

  • Sad 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, cakepop said:

No she didn’t bring up any type of planning to help me get to appointments. She just said work on taking one more shower per week as homework and the said see ya in 2 weeks ? 

That sounds really bad. I hope things with her get a better, maybe with time and more appointments. Otherwise you should look for a new therapist...

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/23/2018 at 6:40 PM, Angerr said:

Some real bad stuff happened. Someone pretty much commited a crime against me (extorsion) and i feel really bad, really sad, really anxious. It was someone i admired and even liked. Now i feel so bad im even suicidal. My new med (lyrica:pregabalin) is not working for anxiety and maybe is the source of suicidal toughts. Tomorrow we celebrate christmas here and i really want to die. I am so so sad. I want to kill myself. I dont know what to do. I should write to my pdoc but im so scared to do it, idk what to say. Im so scared she might send me to hospital I CANT TO BACK I WONT GO BACK. IM GOING CRAZY.

I'm so sorry something so awful happened to you..

It's understandable to feel so bad..I wish it wasn't leading you down the road of thinking of suicide though..

I can relate though..

Since you're feeling that your med isn't working I'd contact your pdoc..

Explain it's not helping your symptoms..maybe a different med is needed or dose increase..

There may be no need for a hospital stay unless you think you are unsafe..

 

 

I hate that all this is happening during this time of year..

I hope you can try to find some peace..

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Still in a major depressive episode. Doing IOP and med changes and trying to do everything I can to stay out of the hospital. In coming days I will titrate from 10mg to 20mg Lexapro and my pdoc is trying to see I can get Rexulti covered (as Abilify was good for mood but had bad side effects). The IOP pdoc said clozapine can also help with depression (news to me) so maybe increasing it in the future and maybe increase Pristiq (though I think it isn't helping). 

Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, CeremonyNewOrder said:

Still in a major depressive episode. Doing IOP and med changes and trying to do everything I can to stay out of the hospital. In coming days I will titrate from 10mg to 20mg Lexapro and my pdoc is trying to see I can get Rexulti covered (as Abilify was good for mood but had bad side effects). The IOP pdoc said clozapine can also help with depression (news to me) so maybe increasing it in the future and maybe increase Pristiq (though I think it isn't helping). 

I'm sorry you're struggling..

I hope with these med changes you will come out of your depression and avoid hospitalization..

I hate seeing people suffer..

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think my pharmacy is monitoring me..

I'm getting scared of picking up meds..

Klonopin to be precise..

They scan my id as if to make sure I'm taking it..

I want off this med..

I'm getting scared that they are controlling my mind on taking it..

I always wait until the last minute to refill it because I can't face picking it up..

 

I'm going to tell my pdoc this and see if I can get off it..

I just can't deal with this anymore..

 

The long walk to the pharmacy is dreadful..

And I fear the people..

I can barely make eye contact..

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/24/2018 at 11:39 PM, coraline said:

I'm so sorry something so awful happened to you..

It's understandable to feel so bad..I wish it wasn't leading you down the road of thinking of suicide though..

I can relate though..

Since you're feeling that your med isn't working I'd contact your pdoc..

Explain it's not helping your symptoms..maybe a different med is needed or dose increase..

There may be no need for a hospital stay unless you think you are unsafe..

 

 

I hate that all this is happening during this time of year..

I hope you can try to find some peace..

 

Thank you for your words. Im slightly better now. Seeing my therapist soon, she will help me write to my psych. Im still too scared to talk. 

On 12/23/2018 at 10:06 PM, cakepop said:

I can relate to feeling suicidal but feeling too scared to tell anyone. I feel suicidal as well but don’t want to go to the hospital. I hope things get better for you. Maybe you could ask your pdoc abouta medication change?

yes totally. I need a med change soon since im leaving my country and wont have a phsychiatrist in 6 months. So i need to be stable with meds. Hope everything goes well for you too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yesterday I went to the beach (it's summer here in Australia). I hadn't been to the beach for several years because I put on so much weight from the anti psychotics and making bad dietary choices but I decided to put my fears about my body to the side and embrace the love I have for myself. I threw caution to the wind and went into the surf with my swimming costume on and with all my fat there for the world to see and you know what happened? Absolutely nothing. Everyone was too busy doing their own thing. It was a lovely swim. After I got dressed I was walking to the bus stop when a young teenage girl walked past and called out 'you should sue McDonald's cause they sure did fuck you up'.  I give half a point for effort, but zero points for originality. Yes, I mark harshly. But you know what? What she said didn't bother me in the slightest because I was not put on this earth to be someones idea of perfection. I am happy with who I am and I don't need to prove myself to anyone. My body, my mind, my self, my life. Deal with it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

I don't know what to do anymore..

I don't trust my tdoc who has a holistic approach to therapy and thinks I'm on enough meds..

I feel like she's been talking to my pdoc and reporting that I'm fine..

That all I need is coping skills..

Even though I feel tortured..

My mind is a mess..

I don't feel understood by her..

I'm starting to not trust her..

I can't hardly function enough to implement the new coping skills..

I spend my days just hiding away..

 

The last time I saw pdoc she mentioned putting me on another aap..

But I refused because I'm stubborn and stupid and have trouble taking meds..

Everything I'm going through is my fault..

I can't deal with my own mind right now..

It's just getting too much..

 

I see pdoc soon and feel like she's going to be against me..

I feel like she's going to think I'm drug seeking to get out of this..

I don't trust her..

I feel alone in this battle..

Like I'm shutting down and am just going to keep suffering..

 

I feel like there is no hope for me..

 

  • Sad 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...