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Feeling suicidal, but no entity. Need some support. :(

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6 minutes ago, aura said:

Feeling suicidal, but no entity. Need some support. :(

I’m sorry aura. If you can, latch on to all the things that you love and all the things that love you. That’s what keeps me alive. Thinking about hurting my loved ones if I were to succeed in killing myself.

And also the fact that nothing ever works anyway. You always get found or don’t have enough of whatever and you fail anyway. Believe me I’ve tred a lot of times. Been close to death in the ER. Been caught “just in time” said an ER dr. 

Do you have any PRN meds to help you feel calmer and maybe take a rest or nap? Or maybe call your pdoc or tdoc for advice too? Talk with your wife or a friend to distract from the thoughts? Any other hobby to distract? Or any other coping skill you have learned from the IOPs and PHPs and IP and residential stays? Do you have any handouts or sheets that were helpful from any of those that you could revisit?

I'm worried. Please check in with your pdoc or tdoc or someone. 

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16 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I’m sorry aura. If you can, latch on to all the things that you love and all the things that love you. That’s what keeps me alive. Thinking about hurting my loved ones if I were to succeed in killing myself.

And also the fact that nothing ever works anyway. You always get found or don’t have enough of whatever and you fail anyway. Believe me I’ve tred a lot of times. Been close to death in the ER. Been caught “just in time” said an ER dr. 

Do you have any PRN meds to help you feel calmer and maybe take a rest or nap? Or maybe call your pdoc or tdoc for advice too? Talk with your wife or a friend to distract from the thoughts? Any other hobby to distract? Or any other coping skill you have learned from the IOPs and PHPs and IP and residential stays? Do you have any handouts or sheets that were helpful from any of those that you could revisit?

I'm worried. Please check in with your pdoc or tdoc or someone. 

I have some leftover clonazepam but I don't think it'll help for this problem. I see tdoc tomorrow and I'll let him know what's going on. Thanks for the support <3.

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1 minute ago, aura said:

I have some leftover clonazepam but I don't think it'll help for this problem. I see tdoc tomorrow and I'll let him know what's going on. Thanks for the support <3.

Ok. Are you sure you can be ok until tomorrow? I’m worried. Do you think a call today would be a good idea? I’m sorry I’m not trying to sound pushy. Just worried. 

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11 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Ok. Are you sure you can be ok until tomorrow? I’m worried. Do you think a call today would be a good idea? I’m sorry I’m not trying to sound pushy. Just worried. 

Yea I'll be fine. Don't have a plan or intent. Just passive SI thoughts. Thanks for caring.

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I'm not feeling any better on the addition of risperidone..

I know I'm on a low dose..But I don't want to go higher..I'm somewhat dizzy and not sure if it's the cause..

I honestly just want to ask my pdoc about increasing the Zyprexa..

I don't know though..I always feel like it's not in my control..

 

I have been through hell with this never-ending infection..

With 2 antibiotics that did nothing..

Then finally getting the removal..the pain was awful..

I still don't trust that they got it all..or didn't put something else in there..

I don't think this procedure will fix my thoughts..

 

 

 

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12 minutes ago, coraline said:

I'm not feeling any better on the addition of risperidone..

I know I'm on a low dose..But I don't want to go higher..I'm somewhat dizzy and not sure if it's the cause..

I honestly just want to ask my pdoc about increasing the Zyprexa..

I don't know though..I always feel like it's not in my control..

 

I have been through hell with this never-ending infection..

With 2 antibiotics that did nothing..

Then finally getting the removal..the pain was awful..

I still don't trust that they got it all..or didn't put something else in there..

I don't think this procedure will fix my thoughts..

 

 

 

I think an increase in zyprexa is a great idea. I know it helps me when I need it. And it works pretty fast IME and then it kept gradually helping more and more. Of course I take it PRN now only, but I used to take it for many years at 20 mg and an IP pdoc called it my miracle med. I hope it would do the same for you. 

It couldn’t hurt to ask your pdoc.

Remember, you are the patient and you are a team with your pdoc to get your meds right. So if you have a good idea (like this one IMO), run it by her to see what her opinion is.

Can you call her (I know it’s hard) or text her (I can’t recall if you can do this or not?). 

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1 hour ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I think an increase in zyprexa is a great idea. I know it helps me when I need it. And it works pretty fast IME and then it kept gradually helping more and more. Of course I take it PRN now only, but I used to take it for many years at 20 mg and an IP pdoc called it my miracle med. I hope it would do the same for you. 

It couldn’t hurt to ask your pdoc.

Remember, you are the patient and you are a team with your pdoc to get your meds right. So if you have a good idea (like this one IMO), run it by her to see what her opinion is.

Can you call her (I know it’s hard) or text her (I can’t recall if you can do this or not?). 

I can text her but she will only see me by appointment...

And right now I just can't afford to see her..

So I am going to have to wait..

I had to buy Bailey's meds which in my opinion is more important..

Plus his vet visit for his blood work..

 

I know my mom would help..

But we are mail ordering his meds and they are still not here..

So that might be emergency money for Bailey..

 

I know I need to learn to advocate for myself better..

I do on occasion..

But when it comes to meds..I know nothing and go with the flow..

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8 minutes ago, coraline said:

I can text her but she will only see me by appointment...

And right now I just can't afford to see her..

So I am going to have to wait..

I had to buy Bailey's meds which in my opinion is more important..

Plus his vet visit for his blood work..

 

I know my mom would help..

But we are mail ordering his meds and they are still not here..

So that might be emergency money for Bailey..

 

I know I need to learn to advocate for myself better..

I do on occasion..

But when it comes to meds..I know nothing and go with the flow..

Ok. Well hang in there then. We are here for you. Rooting for you along the way.

Too bad your pdoc won’t prescribe anything over the phone. All of my pdocs have in the past and present. And since your pdoc is expensive it would be a nice and handy thing to do (calling her) in between appointments if you needed something prescribed or adjusted. 

Thinking of you. I hope Bailey’s meds come in the mail soon!

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3 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Ok. Well hang in there then. We are here for you. Rooting for you along the way.

Too bad your pdoc won’t prescribe anything over the phone. All of my pdocs have in the past and present. And since your pdoc is expensive it would be a nice and handy thing to do (calling her) in between appointments if you needed something prescribed or adjusted. 

I try and get all my refills at my regular appointment, Docs should not be asked or expected to do work for free. My generalist will not do almost everything unless you have an appointment. If the pharmacy will FAX a request for refills of established meds she will sign them promptly and return them. A lot of her prescribing is done electronically. Fortunately it is Medicare and office visits to your primary are generally free. I see more and more docs doing this, it is a big time sink. Your time to get things from your doc during regular appointments. 

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2 hours ago, notloki said:

I try and get all my refills at my regular appointment, Docs should not be asked or expected to do work for free. My generalist will not do almost everything unless you have an appointment. If the pharmacy will FAX a request for refills of established meds she will sign them promptly and return them. A lot of her prescribing is done electronically. Fortunately it is Medicare and office visits to your primary are generally free. I see more and more docs doing this, it is a big time sink. Your time to get things from your doc during regular appointments. 

Well all Drs must not be the same I guess. Mine tells me to call if I need anything or if anything comes up in between appointments. She has always ended our appointments in this way, telling me to call if needed. I guess it's a YMMV thing. 

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32 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Well all Drs must not be the same I guess. Mine tells me to call if I need anything or if anything comes up in between appointments. She has always ended our appointments in this way, telling me to call if needed. I guess it's a YMMV thing. 

yep, all mine have had a call if u need me thing

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13 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Well all Drs must not be the same I guess. Mine tells me to call if I need anything or if anything comes up in between appointments. She has always ended our appointments in this way, telling me to call if needed. I guess it's a YMMV thing. 

Mine wants me to text her if I need her for things..mostly details of what's going on..

But she wants to see me..she will get me in quickly though..

She won't do prescriptions over the phone unfortunately..

Even if it's a med increase..

I wish she would..it would help..

Edited by coraline

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I just had a meltdown and yelled at my mom..

I told her I was sick of her and other hurtful things..

 

It happened because Bailey came running in from the yard with something in his mouth..

I am convinced that people are trying to poison and kill him because he barks..

 

I was in the hall and my mom was just sitting there telling me he had something rather than do something about it..

I snapped..then she snapped at me..everything was so loud..

 

I can't deal with what my mind is doing..

I'm sitting here full of tears that won't fall trying to be brave..

Feeling like a horrible monster..

Bailey is trying to comfort me..

I drank a cider because I needed something..

I'm so sick of all of this..

Edited by coraline

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17 hours ago, coraline said:

I just had a meltdown and yelled at my mom..

I told her I was sick of her and other hurtful things..

 

It happened because Bailey came running in from the yard with something in his mouth..

I am convinced that people are trying to poison and kill him because he barks..

 

I was in the hall and my mom was just sitting there telling me he had something rather than do something about it..

I snapped..then she snapped at me..everything was so loud..

 

I can't deal with what my mind is doing..

I'm sitting here full of tears that won't fall trying to be brave..

Feeling like a horrible monster..

Bailey is trying to comfort me..

I drank a cider because I needed something..

I'm so sick of all of this..

I’m sorry you had an argument with your mom. I snap at my husband a lot too. I say hurtful things to him too. I can’t even tell you the number of millions of times I’ve snapped at my husband. I feel horrible as a person too after I do it and after it is said and done. 

You are not alone. Your mom loves you. It’s normal to have arguments or fights with our loved ones (especially the ones we live with). No relationships with anyone are perfect. 

Try to not beat yourself up so harshly. You are a good person. I know it feels so shitty though, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are still a wonderful person. I’m glad Bailey was there to comfort you. 

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The new resident I'm working with thinks I have a personality disorder. WTF! She barely knows me! I've met her 3x! 

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On 3/29/2019 at 2:30 PM, aura said:

The new resident I'm working with thinks I have a personality disorder. WTF! She barely knows me! I've met her 3x! 

Remember aura, you know yourself best and you know how hard and how long you have fought to get to this point with finding a med (clozapine) that has helped you so much. Don’t let them (the new resident and tdoc) take away all the progress you have made. That belongs to you. You own that progress. No one can take that away from you.

So if I were you, I’d calmly tell them symptom by symptom how you clearly don’t fit into that category of disorder. Print off a list of symptoms of the personality disorder and go down the list one by one. And if you want my 2 cents, it’d best to remain calm. If you start yelling or whatever, it’s more cause for them to think you do have some sort of personality disorder. Not saying you’d yelll. You are a kind soul. But just my 2 cents. 

But the main point is to own your progress and remember that no one can take that away from you. So don’t let them win by causing you to totally implode with anger or anything else. Stay strong. You can get through this. You’ve been through worse, right? 

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6 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Remember aura, you know yourself best and you know how hard and how long you have fought to get to this point with finding a med (clozapine) that has helped you so much. Don’t let them (the new resident and tdoc) take away all the progress you have made. That belongs to you. You own that progress. No one can take that away from you.

So if I were you, I’d calmly tell them symptom by symptom how you clearly don’t fit into that category of disorder. Print off a list of symptoms of the personality disorder and go down the list one by one. And if you want my 2 cents, it’d best to remain calm. If you start yelling or whatever, it’s more cause for them to think you do have some sort of personality disorder. Not saying you’d yelll. You are a kind soul. But just my 2 cents. 

But the main point is to own your progress and remember that no one can take that away from you. So don’t let them win by causing you to totally implode with anger or anything else. Stay strong. You can get through this. You’ve been through worse, right? 

You are the best, Cheese. I feel better reading this. I'm meeting replacement tdoc on Wednesday and will hopefully clear up this mess. He wrote me back apologizing for putting PD as my diagnosis because he was only "considering it as a possibility" rather than having a firm idea. *eye roll*

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On 3/29/2019 at 3:30 PM, aura said:

The new resident I'm working with thinks I have a personality disorder. WTF! She barely knows me! I've met her 3x! 

It is still possible to have both a personality disorder and a psychotic one. I am living proof of this. I dont know you as a person nor am I a doctor, but hopefully they don't throw out one diagnosis when the regimen for that has helped you so much as I gather. It is possible to have both. Not all professionals will agree. Either way if the treatment works a diagnosis doesnt always matter because symptoms can bleed into a plethora of other conditions. All that matters is if the treatment is working.

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