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Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?

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I had a good meeting with resident and attending pdocs. They are keeping me on clozapine. What a relief!

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Posted (edited)

I wish everything would just stop..

I have moments that are good but they are fleeting..

I want so badly to just be better..

I'm not sure if that's ever going to be my reality..

I feel like my mind is so programmed to destroy itself..

The voices that won't completely go away..

The paranoia..

The thoughts..

Everything that haunts me..

I look and feel exhausted from this battle..

I'm afraid I will never win this..


I do feel that I am doing a tad better from the increase of Zyprexa..

But not enough to function in society..no way am I ever returning to work..

Maybe it's just as good as it gets for me..


I'm working on coloring and a painting right now...

Trying to distract myself from everything..


I've been taking Bailey on walks with my mom..it's been nice weather..

I was feeling out of it yesterday on our walk ..I just hate how I am..it's borderline embarrassing...my poor mom..

After that we met my auntie for lunch for early celebration for mothers day..

Her kids..my cousins basically ignore her..I don't know what the hell is wrong with my family..

Lunch was nice..she is easy to be around and I love her..she gets me..she's my mom's sister..

Somehow she grounds me..I think she has magic powers..


Edited by coraline

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I don’t trust this new billing lady at the clinic. She was behaving rather oddly around me. 

I fear she is going to try to have our monthly bill increased. We can’t afford much more at all. 

I’m afraid she is going to do some digging into my file and our finances and maybe even try to find me online like get into my mobile bank account app or fine me here and think we can afford more. Also she will do this to us mostly because she almost fainted when she heard our total bill amount to the clinic which has accrued over 10+ years. It’s crap ton of money. Like we’d have to declare bankruptcy if they came after us for the full amount. 

I don’t trust her one bit. I’m very suspicious of her and her new computer system. 

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I feel really really awful mentally. I’m losing it and am a mess since having to lower the zyprexa in half. Plus the nightmares are not helping. I either need to get back on a medium dose of seroquel XR or back to zyprexa 10 mg. 

I don’t know what to do. I can’t see pdoc for 3 weeks. I’ve tried calling my pdoc’s nurse enough times but she doesn’t call me back. What did I do to her ever? Are they spying on me here and she has read that I complained about her?

I see tdoc tomorrow afternoon. But what can she do but watch me sob? I’ll try not to cry but...!

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Went to Hearing Voices Group today and it went really well. It's helpful to interact with other people who hear voices... really helps to normalize my experiences.

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