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Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?

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I had a good meeting with resident and attending pdocs. They are keeping me on clozapine. What a relief!

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Posted (edited)

I wish everything would just stop..

I have moments that are good but they are fleeting..

I want so badly to just be better..

I'm not sure if that's ever going to be my reality..

I feel like my mind is so programmed to destroy itself..

The voices that won't completely go away..

The paranoia..

The thoughts..

Everything that haunts me..

I look and feel exhausted from this battle..

I'm afraid I will never win this..

 

I do feel that I am doing a tad better from the increase of Zyprexa..

But not enough to function in society..no way am I ever returning to work..

Maybe it's just as good as it gets for me..

 

I'm working on coloring and a painting right now...

Trying to distract myself from everything..

 

I've been taking Bailey on walks with my mom..it's been nice weather..

I was feeling out of it yesterday on our walk ..I just hate how I am..it's borderline embarrassing...my poor mom..

After that we met my auntie for lunch for early celebration for mothers day..

Her kids..my cousins basically ignore her..I don't know what the hell is wrong with my family..

Lunch was nice..she is easy to be around and I love her..she gets me..she's my mom's sister..

Somehow she grounds me..I think she has magic powers..

 

Edited by coraline

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I don’t trust this new billing lady at the clinic. She was behaving rather oddly around me. 

I fear she is going to try to have our monthly bill increased. We can’t afford much more at all. 

I’m afraid she is going to do some digging into my file and our finances and maybe even try to find me online like get into my mobile bank account app or fine me here and think we can afford more. Also she will do this to us mostly because she almost fainted when she heard our total bill amount to the clinic which has accrued over 10+ years. It’s crap ton of money. Like we’d have to declare bankruptcy if they came after us for the full amount. 

I don’t trust her one bit. I’m very suspicious of her and her new computer system. 

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@Wonderful.Cheese I get nervous around billing stuff too, but I think it's pretty unlikely that she will be able to access your online accounts.

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I feel really really awful mentally. I’m losing it and am a mess since having to lower the zyprexa in half. Plus the nightmares are not helping. I either need to get back on a medium dose of seroquel XR or back to zyprexa 10 mg. 

I don’t know what to do. I can’t see pdoc for 3 weeks. I’ve tried calling my pdoc’s nurse enough times but she doesn’t call me back. What did I do to her ever? Are they spying on me here and she has read that I complained about her?

I see tdoc tomorrow afternoon. But what can she do but watch me sob? I’ll try not to cry but...!

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Went to Hearing Voices Group today and it went really well. It's helpful to interact with other people who hear voices... really helps to normalize my experiences.

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Otherworldly happenings. I am assuming the position of universal master, by sheer accident through observation of all possible outcomes. I really messed up the world this time, I think. That's why I'm punished. But to be quite fair I can hold and carry myself well enough that there need not be any silent alarms. 

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Posted (edited)

Ive been absent for months, my life has changed so much, im living in germany now for a year thanks to two scholarships i got. Havent seen my psych in 4 months, havent seen any therapist for 4 months since im not home, but should go to a new one here, quite scared though because i have to talk to them in german and im not that good to like voice out all my problems in my third language but still i need meds for the next half of the year. Im scared theyre going to question my diagnosis because all my medical records are in spanish and no one here can understand them. Had to go to hospital once here because of an infection and it was hell to get them to translate the names of the meds even after i translated them to the english names. Im scared of them not believing me or questioning me or not getting the right meds. But overall ive been the best in years, have had some episodes and almost totally lost it once but zyprexa kept me down thankfully. Havent had hallucinations in a while only anxiety but i seem quite controled and i think is because im taking my meds correctly and i am having an amazing year in a foregin country and a foregin univeristy.  The only thing i still struggle with is sleeping i cant get in bed in time (its 4 in the morning as im writing these)  or i etiher sleep till 3 or even 6 pm thats messing up my daily basis so i need to get help but too scared to go to a german psych :(

Edited by Angerr

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The entity is putting suicidal thoughts into my head.

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I think I will lobotomize myself since theyre chemically lobotomizing me anyway

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My anxiety is so out of control that I feel suicidal. I don't want to live this way anymore. This isn't a life.

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I have total memory loss from this past week of deep depression, suicidal thoughts, and psychosis. I probably should have gone to the hospital.

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I was in an uber today and we drove by some guy walking onto the highway ramp. The driver was like: "he's gotta be schizo!" Awkward.

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