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emack

Im so disgusting

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Well I fucking did it again. I let a guy lead me into thinking he was into me. I should have trusted my gut and walked away but I didnt. I let him use me and then toss me aside like a piece of trash. I didnt get anything I wanted to do. Thats because thats what I am. A piece of trash...

 

Anyway I got home and just felt revolting. I felt so dirty and so disgusting. I took a very hot shower but nothing I did to try and scrub off the vile, wretched dirtiness I felt worked.

 

So what did I do?? I cut myself on those places that he touched and I let him violate me on. Now I have fresh cuts all over my body. I am sitting here disgusted with myself. I did this to me. I deserved this because I thought thats what I wanted.

 

Now I am sitting here alone and bleeding. All alone because thats what I deserve. I am nothing...

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I'm sorry that this happened to you. We all have setbacks sometimes, it's not something to judge yourself for although believe me I understand doing that. You are not nothing. You are a person, with feelings, who deserves to be treated with respect. You are not a piece of trash.

I know what it feels like to be violated and to feel dirty. It totally sucks and I'm sorry there are complete douchebags in this world who have no regard for others feelings. I think sometimes we are angered because we live in a world believing we should get what we deserve but often that doesn't happen. It's so frustrating.

Do you need to seek medical attention? Can you see you tdoc or pdoc?

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you are not disgusting. theres nothing wrong with you. been there myself when im manic. footloose and fancy free. anyway sunshine while a guys dick is standing he has no concious. the strong prey on the weak. we just have to show we are stronger. and guess what we are.

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It sounds like you are taking on a lot of responsibility for something that is not all your responsibility. If you consented to something because he told you that you had a level of commitment and emotion between you and then dumped you, that is his responsibility. It is normal and right to expect someone to tell you the truth and if they tell you that you matter to them, to believe that. It is perfectly legitimate to expect a guy who wants sexual intimacy to be respectful, honest and kind, no matter what kind of sex you are having.

 

I get that feeling of shame and exploitation, I know how it sometimes felt easier for me to blame myself and hurt myself to try to get away from that. If you had sex on terms that were unclear or that you regret, you can learn from it. But although I see why you feel these things, they aren't true about you. You aren't trash, no emotion or any man can make that true about you. It sounds like you are angry, hurt, disappointed, ashamed. I think I would be if a guy had used me for his own sexual needs and dumped me. I know I felt that with a guy last year, who had all kinds of extreme sex with me and then dumped me. It was really tough.

 

I hope that your wounds are clean and if you need medical help, you can find a way to access that. If you have a doctor that knows about your mental health, I hope they are someone you can find a way to ask for help from with self harm. If you still feel this bad, please do post here and check out our lists of ways to express and soothe these feelings. This kind of experience doesn't have to become the norm for you. You deserve the be loved, cared for and respected. Your sexuality deserves to be treated as something precious and valuable by someone who you can trust.

Edited by Titania

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